But I feel that there was a real cognitive breakthrough with W in our therapy session today. Her eyes finally zoned in and she sat straight up to listen when I was talking about my self-realization. She hadn't done that before. Afterwards, she said that she was impressed and happy that I finally figured it out.
That's the power of agreeing with a WAS. You want more breakthroughs then keep agreeing with her in a sincere way.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
BB - I'm going to give you some solid advice because I was, and still am, in the same exact sitch as you. Exactly.
My W decided to leave on Jun 20. Said she was moving out July 25. That gave me a month. I tried everything to get her to stay, going to MC, doing super-chores, being super husband, doing everything. Yes, I did well, but I also screwed up some. Which, you will do the same in the next 2 weeks.
I was Mr. Control too. The root of our problems are my control issues, just like you. Let me guess, anything you ever did was never good enough for her, and growing up nothing you ever did was good enough for your father. Right? Ok. Listen.
You have to let her move out. She's checked out.
Just because she stays in the house means she's going to "come around". You can't pressure her into staying in the house. Anything you do to pressure her to stay just will push her further away.
You have to let her go. You HAVE to.
When you give her what she wants and don't put up a fight, you are no longer Mr. Control. You're Mr. BBalls. The nice wonderful guy that loves his W and would give her the stars and moon.
Remember this - By pressuring her to stay, or fighting for her to stay, you're only reaffirming that you're the person she doesn't want to be with, Mr. Control.
Take my advice. My W stayed 2 months after bomb day, and 1 month longer than she said she would. When she did finally move out, he was so sick of me that she left without even telling me. Don't make the same mistake.
She's going to move out anyways, unless SHE changes HER mind without ANY input from YOU.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Alice, PEImom, Coach, John, - thanks for all of your input. I'm glad that you guys are taking an interest in my case and giving me some sound advice.
One question - I have a picture of her on my nightstand. Should I take down this picture? We have a small house and we are still sleeping in the same bed so I'm sure she'll notice if I take it down.
Also, in our home office, we have a little "wedding shrine" with 2 wedding teddy bears that she had setup after our wedding. While packing last night she removed all her books that surround this shrine, but she left the 2 teddy bears up. There are also a couple of pictures of us that she had put up from way back, which are still up.
Does it mean anything that she left our wedding shrine up? Should I go and take everything down ?
Got an email from the W today announcing her weekend plans. I think I know what I should do to DB but wanted to get the forum's opinion.
W is going to a local food festival and spending the day there. W will have various friends meet her there throughout the day. This was a very unique food festival that we both enjoyed thoroughly last year when M was going well. W's email continued with "if you want to come, that's fine but I just thought I'd let you know who else will be there".
W also announced she's going to pack on Sunday and go to Ikea to check out furniture (presumably for her new apt). W email "if you want to go to Ikea with me that's fine".
While I want to be with her, I know this is a cardinal sin in DB if I follow her. So I should just reply with "thanks, have fun but I have other plans." right?
Yep, you are busy. Whatever is boxed up move it besides the door and start re-arranging the house for your new man pad. You go to the festival if you want with your own posse. Don't sit around the house, stay busy.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
One question - I have a picture of her on my nightstand. Should I take down this picture? We have a small house and we are still sleeping in the same bed so I'm sure she'll notice if I take it down.
....
Does it mean anything that she left our wedding shrine up? Should I go and take everything down ?
What do YOU want to do? What do you feel is the RIGHT thing to do? Not the thing that will get your W back, or make her angry, or make her feel like she needs you or misses you. What do you feel is the right thing to do for you?
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
One question - I have a picture of her on my nightstand. Should I take down this picture? We have a small house and we are still sleeping in the same bed so I'm sure she'll notice if I take it down.
....
Does it mean anything that she left our wedding shrine up? Should I go and take everything down ?
What do YOU want to do? What do you feel is the RIGHT thing to do? Not the thing that will get your W back, or make her angry, or make her feel like she needs you or misses you. What do you feel is the right thing to do for you?
Don't go by what you feel. Think, get input, seek to understand then take action based on your thought process.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Update - W did her own thing last night, I did my own thing. When I got home, we exchanged pleasantries "how was your evening? ok, good." and then she wanted to discuss details of our split. Things like when can I go with her to close our joint bank account, whether I wanted her furniture, who was coming to help her move, etc. I didn't say much and generally nodded or said "that's fine, whatever you want to do is fine by me".
I'll continue with my LRTs, 180s, and continue to move forward.
W wanted to talk about splitting up assets today and I lost it when we got to the ice cream maker. I told her thanks for all the things she did, that I really cared, and that I want her to be happy. The conversation went on for 4 hours -- she opened up at times to tell me her mom blamed her for the D. At this point, she broke down and I had to give her a hug.
She seemed receptive to keep talking so I kept talking too. I basically repeated my position of working on myself, but I fell down and told her "I know I can't ask you for what I'm about to ask, and I know I need to set you free, but my feelings are telling me to ask for one more chance".
I know, I deserve a 2x4 or 4x4.
She replied with "I somehow knew that you would ask for a second chance, but I can't stay with you right now because it would mean that you want control of this situation. So, I need to move out but I will give you a second chance in the future. That's more than what I've given anyone else in past relationships."
I said "I understand that I need to set you free and let go, and that's my way of showing that I'm not trying to control things".
She said "thanks" and then resumed her packing. At one point, she let her guard down and called me "honey", which I hadn't heard in 4 months, but then she caught herself and went back to calling me by my formal name afterwards.
I think I fell down but I didn't completely screw it up because I kept reiterating that she needs to be set free, that I didn't have the right to ask but I did because the therapist told me I need to work on expressing my feelings too to improve my communication. I think she understood that I was sincere.
