Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

the difference is that when i post on lauraoh's thread, i'm looking at her sitch from outside the fish bowl. it's easier for me to give advice and sound normal.

for my own thread, i'm in the fish bowl and can't see it from outside. that's why the two people are different.


for some reason, i think he's scheming something to screw me over in the legal process.


yes, i understand that. the self-torture is weird.
it's like me saying .. my social life has improved, i am in great shape. and he's sitting at home moping and getting fat.

i would never think this. i would think that i'm being naive. he's probably having the time of his life. he's probably happy with the way things are.

would i ever think that he misses me? no. i don't think this way. i don't think he misses me at all. i guess it's like self-defence and protecting myself from potential hurt. it's easier to think negatively .. that way, i won't be disappointed. is that what you call a self-fulfilling prophecy? i'm learning the meaning of that term.


i'm still hanging on because there is a part of me that believes he's still a guy with good morals. i'm torn .. he told me he'd never get into a relationship again. that he was 99.99% sure. he couldn't promise me 100% because he never is an extreme. but that part of me that says "dumped, don't be so naive!" takes over. it's like the devil and the angel on my two shoulders.


i'm not trying to be smart .. but what did i do that you told me not to do? the cupcake thing? yeah, that was bad.


i think you can just call up the wireless provider and they'd do it. the text app has a 'block contact' feature.


those are pretty good odds.


i didn't date any of the four.
i didn't go to sushi, i didn't play on sunday, and i didn't date the recruiter.
the last guy, we're just friends. we didn't go out 1/1. but we're becoming good friends now but that's about it.

i think i tried but i wasn't ready to date - i'm not the dating type. i don't date around and try and find out what i like or don't like. i know what i like and what i don't like. i'm one of those people who can tell right off the bat whether i like someone or not. and if i don't, i don't bother pursuing anything.

the only person i ever liked was my h. it got better as i got to know him. that's when i was talking to the real h.

the h i talk to now, it's not him. he's parroting his parents. and that's why it's hard to talk to him. stuff that comes out of his mouth, is not him.

so in that sense, i'm pretty safe there. besides, if i ever slept with someone else, my h would never take me back. i can't let that happen. my h would not want someone who has had some other guy's thing in the woman he's with. i'm well aware of this .. and so sleeping around? i wouldn't do this unless i truly wanted to shut the door on my chances. i wouldn't do it get back at him because it'd never work. in fact, he'd go running away from me. but even then .. i don't do that. i have more self-respect than to do that.


maybe 'tough' isn't the right word.
i don't have tact. i can dish it pretty harshly.
i am quiet on the other threads in the other forums because i can be pretty harsh with my criticism. i've had to bite my tongue on many occasions but i chose not to respond on other posters' threads. better to keep my mouth shut than to say something i might regret.

you know that my lack of tact has gotten me in trouble in my m. and that's why i hold back.

am i still suicidal? not at the moment. but i can't guarantee that i won't be later because he might have something up his sleeve that will put me over the edge. i have no skeletons in the closet, but they might fabricate some story and lord knows what they could come up with to hurt and tarnish my name or image.

are he and his parents capable of this? i think so. i live with this in the back of my mind. i have to sleep with one eye opened.

You don't think he's missing you at all?? Are you serious??

It doesn't matter that his parents don't miss you--and I HOPE that they are trying to convince him that he is over you--because that means they see he is not.

There is a huge advantage that you have gone dark on him--he has been forced to deal with some of his own issues. And he has missed you.

You may not win him back, but it won't be because he doesn't miss you. If he is a human, he has missed you.

I would say if anything, because of the darkness and lack of emotion during the separation process, he is convinced YOU don't miss HIM. You haven't reacted like a typical female at all--no crying, no begging, no emotion on your part. You may have gotten mad, but that is not the same.

I'll bet you would shock the HECK out of him if you could somehow let him know you've missed him.

But you guard those emotions carefully, so you won't look "foolish" and won't "lose". Those things you keep to yourself are the things he needs the most. My fear is that you won't get that in time and yes, you will have your self-fulfilling prophecy come true and you will be "right" here, too.

It is very junior high to have the "FINE, if you don't want me I don't want you" mentality. Adults, when faced with a loss that MEANS somethig to them, don't behave like this.

You have led your H through example ALL through your M. I challenge you to "see" that again, you LED him to be like this!!! That is the bad news.

The GOOD news, is, that Forest is right!! You have wonderful odds of leading him in ANOTHER direction!!

You. Have. This. Ability. God. I. Pray. You. See. It!!

(Ever see the movie the Miracle Worker with Patty Duke and Ann Bancroff? This so makes me think of that movie!!)

One day your hand will be in the water and the light will go on--after you stop "fighting" with your teacher!!

QFT

yes. i'm serious.
it's because i saw him change from my h to this really angry and heartless person who i don't know ..
sometimes i don't even know if my real h would miss me either.
in the past, all he's ever cared about was his parents. i never factored into his life. if he died, his first concern is his parents and not me. i was told this! and i lived with this for the last 2 years.

from what i saw happen over the 8 months that this took place, i don't know who this new person is. i have no reason to believe he has gone back to the h i knew before marriage.


one can only hope this is happening.


there's a list on the newcomers forum that lists all the things you shouldn't do .. no crying, no begging, no following him around like a puppy, no r talk, always look happy/unaffected, etc.
i look at that checklist and i thought i was doing the right thing.

yes, i may have convinced him that i don't miss him. but if i don't, then wouldn't that be defeating the db purpose?

i still hurt a great deal. it takes every ounce of energy in me to put on a facade. i need to do this in order to successfully db this.

i feared being suicidal because if i get a d in the end, the 'healing'/mourning process will start at that point and it will mean i let out the human side of me that has been suppressed all this time. i have yet to wake up in the middle of the night in tears .. i have yet to experience a day where i just don't want to get out of bed. i have not experienced the really bad side of healing. this is what i fear could put me over the edge as well. you hear so many people say how they wake up in the middle of the night crying, how they can't get out of bed, how they walk around with a dead soul. is that what i have to look forward to?

at the moment, i am trying to avoid feeling and becoming emotional because in order to properly carry out this db plan, i have to stop making emotional decisions and make smart decisions .. which means using my brain and not my heart. yes, i slip up when my paranoia strikes but i don't act on it. when the occasional emotional side of me creeps out, you see the 'crazy' dumped. and when i have the emotional side under control, then you see the 'normal' dumped. i wish i could have gone through the healing process first because it probably would minimize the jekyll and hyde posts and allow me to see things from 'outside the fish bowl'. but we were a little tight on time.

it's funny .. i thought my crazy posts showed my emotional/human side. but it comes across as just 'crazy'.

believe me lauraoh. i still hurt a great deal. i can't show it now otherwise, i will really backslide on the GAL work that i've done. the GAL has helped me turn off that human side.


yes, i admit that you are correct.
the thing is, back in january/february when i was seeing ic, i was told that he was ahead of me on the detachment curve. he's way ahead of me. he's planned this and he's looking out for himself, etc. so to me, he's done with the healing process and is moving on. this was planned all along. i was the oblivious one and now i'm having to play catch-up.

i equate being ahead on the detachment curve with 'being over me'. there is no feeling in him for me anymore. so he doesn't miss me. human or not. being detached means he doesn't think of me at all. unless i'm interpreting that incorrectly? likewise if i'm being told to get ahead of him on the detachment curve, it's equivalent to 'dropping the rope'.


i haven't had a chance to say anything to him. so i have nothing to gauge. maybe that's what's missing.

They ALL change into "heartless aliens". You have been here long enough to see that! Why do you think EVERY ONE OF THEM DOES THIS???

In newcomers there is the List. But more important than that list is the 180. There are plenty of people here that need to show their S's that they DO CARE!!! I hope I don't sound sexist, but most of the time it's a guy, but sometimes it's not. These people have held back emotionally and it is a 180 FOR THEM! One of the things that really got to me from my unemotional H was when he cried and said it would break his heart if I left him. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. It was shocking.

No, acting like missing him in YOUR sitch would be a 180 and would be HELPFUL in the db process.

I don't want to mess up your work--and if becoming emotional messes it up I don't want you to do that.

But being detached is NOT about not caring!! If your H is ahead of you in the detachment, GREAT!! That means he is looking at all this objectively now without getting all angry about it. He is way ahead of you, but in a good way! He would probably be interesting to talk to. But he thinks you are ANGRY!! So of COURSE he doesn't want to talk to you.

i just don't get men.
my h used to say to me "please don't leave me" and that if i were to leave him, he would be heartbroken .. he wouldn't care if i took everything because losing me was a bigger deal.

look who ends up leaving US?! our Hs!! what is with these guys? first they say don't leave me .. and they end up leaving us.

what do they want from us?

OK, sexist me coming out.lol.

They're men D4ML, and they are woefully inept at figuring out this stuff. They don't want to leave us--but they don't know how to make it better either. He had his parents before he had you, they will stick by him no matter what, and right now, he has doubts about you sticking by him. That's all.

He has had a lot of time to think he may have made a mistake. I promise you, along with missing you, he has wondered if he has made a mistake.

But there is no D4ML taking the lead down the road of forgiveness and healing.

Men don't go to friends in the way that we do, they don't like counseling, they don't have internet friends to help them.

They are pretty predictable creatures and once you have been here long enough almost ALL of the sitchs here have a "pattern" and are pretty predictable.

You have some very predictible things going on in your sitch--people who have been here long enough "see" that there is hope--that a few well-rehearsed conversations, with no anger and no bitterness and no "look", would probably turn everything around.

Your H is not a bad, evil, horrible, jerk. He is a scared guy. They act like this and worse when they are scared.

Yes, we scare them. Maybe because we can bring out the absolute worst in them.

i don't know if i believe that he doesn't want to leave me but i believe that he doesn't know how to make it better. he said we tried and we couldn't make it to work.

i know we all say to not believe 100% of what they say and only 50% of what they do.


sometimes i don't know about this. he's in constant contact with his parents and what i've seen so far, it sounds like their influence on his decision is stronger than his own. it's almost frightening to see him as the puppet and his parents as the puppetmaster. it's like he lost his backbone due to fear that his parents will disown him or die.


this is true so far. he's shut out all of his friends.
even friends from high school or college .. and those he call his 'best friends', do not call him. they might call once a year or so but that's about it. they have families they have to look after so their priorities have shifted and rightfully so.

he refused counselling but he did a bit of individual counselling for a while. i don't think he does that anymore.


the "look", huh?

i think my h hasn't grown up yet. i don't know if he ever will. it's funny, i never thought about posting in the MLC forum. nor have i trolling the threads on that forum.


i had a feeling my h was scared when i told him that i wanted to go to the fertility clinic to get myself checked out. he wasn't scared for my health. he was scared that i was going to force a pregnancy to happen. and so he started spewing stuff. it was amusing and i thought it was sweet. the words he said hurt but i was compassionate because he said those things out of fear. and i understand that.

but i still think he's a good guy.

FG - i am going to need some coaching. the paperwork is almost done. it needs some tweaking.

a little nervous, a little scared .. scared as in .. do i really have to talk to him? am i going to be eaten by wolves?
if not, it can't be that bad, right?
what's the worst thing that could happen? he'll d me?

btw, had the best time at squash yesterday.
7 guys and 1 girl (me).
having eating wings at a pub. we were celebrating the last day of the summer squash league. btw, i got carded at the pub.
i sat next to G4 (guy #4). he wanted to test out the IM apps on his iPhone4 so he added me to his buddy list and asked me to ping him. we talked about staying in shape. apparently he's got a six pack and a big dragon tattoo on his back. .. so do i!! ok, i don't have a dragon tattoo but my abs are pretty defined.

h was home all night. he missed out on some great cardio, friends, wings, and beer. i didn't drink .. i was designated driver. but it was a lot of fun.

the 7 guys and 1 girl type gatherings was typical me pre-marriage.
i've said before, i've always been one of the guys. and no, i don't think any of them are interested in me. we just got together because we are friends and we needed food.
it's fun and not something that we do on a regular basis.
but i will be in contact with them during the regular season. we are going to organize our own games later this year. they are better players than me so to be invited to play, is great for me. you will only get better by playing with better players.

hanging out with my friends was something i didn't do during my m.
not because i was m but because h was somewhat of a loner and wasn't friendly.
he came off as being 'better than everyone else'. so nobody gravitated towards him. he didn't have many friends.
we wouldn't be invited to gatherings and if we were, he would not eat the food because he didn't know who made it or how it was made.
and if he ate the food, i would hear him talk endlessly of how bad the food was and how they served cheap stuff, etc.

what a downer.

i realize now that what held us back was him. not making plans, not going anywhere, not making friends, not having friends over ..

i used to play squash with my h and he would openly criticize me on the court about my positioning, footwork, etc. to the point where one person thought it was abusive. nobody stood up to say anything but it solidified his 'jerk' status among the other squash players.

life wasn't fun then. it's fun now. and i wish he could see that life can be fun. we shouldn't sit there and wait for the reaper to show up. to do that, you are wasting your life. life is too short.

dumped.

This is the sort of thing you should tell him. Not in an "I'm better than you I am enjoying life more", but in a way that a friend would tell another friend. A concerned "pep talk".

I promise when you see him you will feel sorry for him. You have things WAY more under control than he does.