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Over-analyzing everything is the road to hell.

Good


Take care of yourself first, then decide what you really want. I'm just saying this B/C I wanted nothing more than to be with W and raise my kids in a family atmosphere at first. Now 1 year later I know my kids will be OK b/c I am a great dad and I deserve to have someone who WANTS to be with me.




Again, I had the same feelings. My disposition has changed over time. But good of you to remain committed.


Great, if you're shy join groups that need communication and interaction.



Me too! Go drown some worms and enjoy the outdoors!


Express route!!!
don't analyze why she does ANYTHING!!!

gr8 day 2B alive, thank you.

I knew I came to the right place.

As strong as I want to be, and will work diligently on gettin there..I have a fear. I fear than if ever see her with another man, and that man is introduced to our children. I will fall apart..all over again.

This is one I have not yet had to deal with but have thought about.

I know for myself I will not introduce any new woman into my kid's lives without:

1. Being absolutely sure there could be a significant, meaning R.
2. Letting my W or STBXW know about it.


Come here and read, learn from others who walk in your shoes already.
This place is good.



I think it's common courtesy to let each other know whom your kids are interacting with.
We still have to co-parent and raise our kids with values.

Keeter, don't get ahead of things. Focus on today.

That is excellent advice Pinhead, I try and convince myself that is simply common sense that I should follow. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me...

I stumbled today.

I picked up the kids car seats and their things this morning, as they were being dropped off by my W at school. I broke down and started the "talking" again, no kids were present.

I will be taking the kids away for a weekend of fun, I figured we all really could use it. Especially me. She is going away somewhere as well. I know I am killing myself thinking she is going away with OM, but maybe she isn't. She just said she was "going away". I figured if she wanted me to know she would proactively offer to tell me...not keep it personal. I will be honest in saying that yes, I do want to know if she is. At the same time I wouldn't mind knowing where she will be..in the case of an emergency. So I came out and just asked her. She did tell me where she was going, but at the same time..it was none of my business. She mentioned that I was being passive agressive, and I agreed with her and apologized. I do know I can get like that...with the pain. I told her I will have fun with our kids and keep my focus on them, and I really will...otherwise we won't have a good time...and it will be all about me. I told her she will be missed and its not the same when we are not doing this together as a family. I am sorry for trying to carry on these conversations with her, that it is just really tough...I am trying.
She just told me to stop, so I did and she drove off.
Gets worse...then I texted her. Apologized again for my behaviour (the discussions were not heated in anyway...haven't been in a long time..and we don't have many). I told her that I married her because I love her, I had children with her because I love her. I wouldn't have married her or had children if I didn't know in my heart that I was prepared to do anything, no matter what happened, to make things work and make our marriage last forever. Being left alone to to do that...makes it rough. Because now its one of us trying...not two.

I really blew it eh?

Ugh, where to begin???

Keeter, it is difficult to say the least. but you are pushing her further away from you and you don't realize it.


Stop initiating R talk, it is the last thing she went to hear and she will feel uncomfortable every time she has to see you.



Again you being needy here, wanting to know her where abouts.
And she's right about......IT is none of your business. Controlling




She doesn't care that she will be missed, don't say things like this. And stop apologizing for everything and start validating her feelings.


Again, not attractive. Pushing her firther away. She's now thinking she can't wait to get away from you and the drama.



Blah, blah, blah. That's what she heard here. Stop saying ILYs.
She was propbaly working on the M by herself before all this happened and you didn't know it. Now she is tiring of trying and you and all of us LBS wake up when W is out the door.


You did get this right...... IT IS GOING TO BE ROUGH!


I'm telling you all of this b/c I too already did it. And trust me, it doesn't work!

For you to have ANY chance you need to totally detach(in a loving way). Coach is excellent here helping people through thus.

Forget about all that about yesterday, you can't take it back.

YOU are your focus.

I will, and thank you again. Like I said, I am going to make this weekend for me and my sons. Have lots of fun and laughs. I also want to use it as a turning point, so that when we return on Monday - I have a fresh start, a new outlook on how I will cope.

The detaching things is hard for me as well, I guess I don't fully understand what it means, how to do it. It feels like I am getting rid of her..that I don't want her anymore.

Ooops, I acidently pasted this to me sitch;

Keeter, read this analogy.
It really help me early on.


PICNIC ANALOGY:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.