Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New to the Forum - my story

I have thought about the possiblity of having that discussion with her, for quite some time. I didn't have children, to be a part time dad (be there 1/4 of my childrens lives). We made the decision together..50/50..to have kids. This was her choice to end the M.

No, we still do not have anything officially signed or leglized. I don't bring it up with her, and she never really mentions it. She sounds confident she wants to, but never pushes the issue. Most likely because we are broke because of this - I am anyhow.

I obviously don't bring the matter up..because I don't want a D!

I don't have the DR book anymore...but from what I recall...I am at the "Last Resort" stage?

Cuz it sure feels like it

it seems we are all in that boat when weget here

Do you think she would immediately file for D b/c you want to spend more time with the kids?

You are fearful of living the your life to your standards b/c of what W may do.

Until you break the way of thinking you will be walking on eggshells with anything your W wants.

Don't be nasty about it or argue. Do it in a loving way and you will be rewarded.

If she is threatening you with D everytime she wants something then you're just a donkey chasing after a carrot on a stick.

Conquer this fear and you we feel better for you.

GR8 - you have been so helpful thus far. Really want to thank you. I posted my story on here, and shortly afterwards...it felt like I had been adopted by you. You have been a great mentor for me lately. Greatly appreciated.

Today marks the first full week that I began detaching myself, it sure isn't easy, nor was I expecting it to be. I had tried this before, months back when I had first read DR. Now I must remain consistant...strong. I have this community now.

I read some success stories, one in particular that I enjoyed was "The DR Saved His Marriage". It brought a few tears to my eyes - that fellow was going through what I had...hurt...devoted to his kids (he did exactly what I did...decorated the kids rooms etc). He was struggling financially, was tough to GAL when your funds are low. But he found ways...his desire for change helped him prevail. His love for his W was true.

I have had little communication with X this week, and if any..it has been strictly about the kids. I keep it brief and to the point...and so does she. So far so good...I think.

It is her B-Day this weekend, and also her weekend to have the kids. I offered to take the kids for a bit in case she wanted to go out. I did not "push" the offer on her. My exact words "your birthday is this weekend..not sure if you intend on going out to celebrate..but if you do..I am available to take the kids". She declined and told me she had already made arrangements with the kids, but thanked me anyhow. I left it at that. Thats a 180 for me right there! Normally I would pressure her to help out...or try and keep the conversation going.

I would like to get her something for the B-Day, from the kids. She got me a coffee mug from the kids on my b-day. Should I keep it as simple as that for her? Its very tough for me not to get her a something with a little meaning.

No - I don't feel like she has used the D papers as a weapon, or as leverage for things she wants.

I think it is just the way I see it.

You are mind reading her reactions to your actions.

I know this:
If you don't ask for something, you will never receive it.

Conquer this fear.

Tell her:
You need more time with the kids so you can be a good father to them.

I get the kids more than our initial "verbal" agreement. It is pretty open, flexible right now.

I know I can feel free to call her up and ask her if I can take one of the boys, or both fishing for the evening etc. (outside of the "schedule") If she doesn't already have prior plans with them...it is usually OK.

I just know, that if she ever presented me with the S papers...and she is requesting sole custody...it won't go over too well for her.

The way I see it, its no longer just a verbal agreement between two mature adults...it is a legal document.

I try not to think about it right now, and go with the flow.

on week 2 of going dark...
I didn't have my sons this weekend, but was lucky enough to be called in to coach the final games of the season for my oldest son. I loved it, all the kids had a blast and so did I. It was also my XW's birthday...I texted her in the morning to wish her the best..and that was it. It was difficult for me, but I really stuck to my guns yesterday. She looked like she enjoyed her night out..she was texting and on her phone most of the time we were there. Had a really battle of emotions going on inside me at one point, I missed that I couldn't have celebrated her 30th B-Day with her...I had always planned on doing something big for her. And at the same time I was jealous..watching her potentially talking to a OM..while at our son's soccer game. It was his final game..a big day for him..and she is busy having a social life. There are other times for that...IMO.
I stuck to enjoying the day with my boys...as it was not my weekend to have them. Once the event was over with..I hit the streams for some trout fishing...I needed it and felt much better when I returned home. Hadn't done that in a while.
I will be attending a meditation calls next Monday - I had always thought I couldn't meditate...as my brain is always too busy...have a hard time shutting it down. So, time for a 180..stop saying I can't..and just go and give it a shot.
I am getting close to telling her I want our sons more often..

Keeter-
I am a newbie here too. We have similar stories and r trying to implement the same strategies to win r WAS back. It is so hard. I am on day 3 of no contact. We don't have kids- only 2 dogs so we really don't have to see each other. My H is having an EA. He moved out and is living with a male friend in his spare bedrm. H claims he isn't talking to OW anymore and that has nothing to do with him wanting D. But I know my H and he can't be alone. I pushed my H away and know exactly why EA happened. I made a lot of mistakes and took r marriage for granted. Never thought he would leave me. I realize all this now, but he says he's done and doesn't believe any changes would last.

I believe setting r spouses free is the only chance we have to save r marriage. The begging and pleading I did just pushed him further away. Stay strong and I will b following ur updates.