Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again I'm back and looking for insight

Hey Laura, just stopping by and checking on you. School has just started and there have been a few glitches here and there. Of course it wouldn't be the beginning of the school year if it all went smoothly! lol

I wonder if you are beginning to see your H in the way he wants to be seen. Interested in seeing where this goes.

kat

Hey Kat, so glad to hear from you!! I hear ya about school--S is in 9th grade right now and we are busy busy with getting him ready--I can't imagine doing this x 4!!

I am getting along with H pretty well. He went to his parents this a.m. and took his guns. I asked him to remove them from the house. I have a funny story about that.lol.

He has a couple of shotguns, and quite honestly, during this time he has expressed that he is "afraid of me" (D4ML, didn't yours say that too--SO WEIRD!! Like, WHY are you afraid of ME??)

Anyway, I am thinking, I am afraid of YOU with your two shotguns and your history of a NASTY TEMPER...the fear thing just escalated for maybe no good reason but anyway, I said a couple of days ago I want you to get those guns out of the house. And he was very agreeable, OK, I'll take them to parent's.

So he asks me to carry the one while he carries the other and I give him a pained look (the guy always has to have me "help" with the stupidest things) and we are walking out of the house, him in front of me, and I said "Boy, I bet you are hoping right now you were careful to remove all the bullets, huh!". He says, "I am always careful to do that". So I hold up the gun, point it off to the side (not directly at him but to the side of him JUST IN CASE) and pull the trigger and there is an audible "CLICK".

I said "I BET you jumped just a little inside just now"

I'm such a stinker!! hahahahahaha!!!!

oh gawd yeah .. afraid of ME? oh pleez.


lol. you're so bad! but nice dig. <high five>

I would have jumped big time!! What if I forgot one??!!

kat

then too bad, so sad.
sucks to be him.

Right--it sucks and I'm not about to let him off easy in any way, shape, or form.

Which leads me to today's scenario. H is back from his parents and per usual is asking S what he wants to do today--beach or movie? NOw, for MONTHS he has taken S from me with no invite or anything--and they were trying to get a friend of S's to go with but couldn't get anyone out of bed. (teenagers!)

So then H asks me if I want to go to the beach. I figured already I wasn't going to be invited, had made plans to help the 17 y/o neighbor with her AP English paper due Monday, and just in general had not thought I was going to be asked.

Oh, H spent 20 minutes outside on his phone this a.m. speaking to idiot friend--only reason to spend 20 minutes outside speaking is to discuss how he is going to screw me--I guess that is mind reading but honestly--he doesn't usually talk to this guy so long outside unless there is stuff he doesn't want me to hear.

So I said I had plans and he gives me a "I can't believe you don't want to spend time with your S". So I am like, look, I haven't had breakfast, I am not ready, you asked everyone else in the world and NOW are asking me, don't lay a guilt trip on me because NOW you are asking!

So he is like "We're in no hurry, we'll wait for you".

So I rush around getting ready and I start getting really, really sad. Was he planning on using this against me if I DIDN'T go? What "plans" does he have now to screw me?? Why am I going to the beach with him acting like we are the happy family when he doesn't WANT me in his family???

So I told S I wanted to talk to him and H and I said quietly to S, this isn't going to be pretty--please understand I have to be tough on your dad right now.

So I told them both, Gee, I would LOVE to have been invited to the beach and gone like a happy family with BOTH of you, but here's the deal. Your dad served me with papers last Wed, he doesn't WANT me as a part of his family, he wants something else or someone else and this all makes me really, really sad. S, I am sorry this is happening to you but this is the consequenenses of your dad's actions. I can't go to the beach today knowing your dad spent 20 minutes on the phone this a.m. trying to figure out how to take you from me or figuring out how to screw me financially.

I don't know if I mentioned on here that my H is going for primary custody, doesn't want to pay any alimony, and doesn't want to pay any custody all per the paperwork I was served with on Wednesday. My L says he is taking a very, very aggressive stance.

So my H gets mad and leaves and I grab S and tell him again, I love his dad, I am SO SORRY to do this, I am fine, please understand I have to try to make him see what he is doing and hopefully one day we will be a real family again, etc. My S is upset but I do think he sees what I am doing--I have been talking to him all along telling him I have to be very, very tough right now--my H DOES RESPOND to my being tough.

I did have a bit of emotion in there too while speaking to him. I am trying to balance this. Can't have too much crying.

Anyhoo, I know I am walking a pretty fine line here--I don't want to do damage to my S and if this does go through, I don't want my S to be scarred for life. I will have to be the bigger person and not talk badly about his dad....which...as long as he doesn't try to take my S from me and doesn't screw me financially, is do-able.

I mean, you can want a D and all but do you HAVE to be ugly about it? You make a ton of money- it would be EASY for him to treat me very, very fairly!! And I don't need primary--50/50 is fine w/me.

I think people like your H like to think they will intimidate you and give you little to nothing for all of your time in the marriage. You didn't say but I expect he will be trying to get the house too.

If he relates to tough then so be it. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Just remember if you want to rebuild your marriage, the old foundation will have to be demolished before you can rebuild.

kat

He is a bully with the underlying fear and cowardice of a typical bully.

Yes, he is big on intimidation. But if he is so stupid as to get ugly, he will lose his S eventually.

I have been tempted to go speak to his parents. They are good people, have NO idea what he is really like, and I have been wanting to spare them the "gory details", but feel he is going to alienate his S and this may affect them as well...

They had some ugly words for me in the beginning--money grubber was my moniker from his mom! Didn't matter that when I met him he was $30 thousand in debt! and I owned my own home, which I sold, and put the profit into this home.

I had my suspicions about the home thing too--and I had him put in writing that his intention is for me to keep the home. My L tells me this may be helpful.

His parents are in their 70s, but YOUNG 70s. I have gone back and forth on this one for weeks. To them, he is thier "perfect doctor son". Ugh!! (and he is not a doctor! he is a PA!! That is irritating too!!)

What do you think Kat? and D4M?? I think part of making the foundation crumble is exposure. My H has a lot of false pride.

I would think if you presented it as exposure for the sake of their advice you may bode well. I exposed to my FMIL and she listened for a bit but was not willing to help in anyway with her son. We got into our only argument and even though I apologized, we didn't talk for two years. Are you ok with that outcome?

Kat

That is an example of why I had a hard time accepting the exposure technique. However, I do believe in cases where the S is so rebellious and the M is not going to survive the A....that it should be exposed. It needs to be done in the right way. But with the exposure should come the realization that R's could be changed due to the exposure (such as in your case). Bust the A if you see that the D will not be busted.

I don't say a lot to encourage exposure b/c I posted to a LBH who had a terrible rebellious WAW....and he left the board immediately after he exposed her A, without telling us what happened. (This wasn't Ken, but long before him.) I am no expert in the exposure technique and felt that I may have given the wrong advice and it went very badly. Guess I'll never know.

In my personal stitch, it would have ended my M. I am sure of it. Mainly b/c of the mental condition that I was in at the time. My shame would have been too great. I believe I would have moved away. I just could not have face my family or the people where I lived.

So, that was why I was against exposure in the beginning, but after much reading from Puppy & Allen.....I understand why it is needed in some cases.