Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Is this Piecing?

Well I could if I could remember my username and password to that account I'll unpack the box that has all the statements in them sometime this week to verify if the garmin was on them. It is a bit fishy smelling, but then again I don't believe too much of what she says anymore anyway. There have been way too many lies already.

Not that you've asked me, but my advice on these kinds of sitches is that really only one of two views work:

1) Verify the truth independently; or

2) Assume she is lying.

Too often, people do:

3) "I assume she is telling me the truth. She told me 'X', and I believe her. After all, you have to trust . . . right?"

But #2 works just as well as #1.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy. I don't disagree with you at all. Based on the last couple of years with her, unless I have proof otherwise I take everything she tells me with a grain of salt. She has proven that she is capable of looking me straight in the eye and telling me the Earth is flat and get angry/defensive if I tell her I don't believe her.

Right now, I'm not 100% confident that we are on the road to reconcilliation so I don't feel a huge need to verify/validate what she is telling me. Once I see we are definitely heading down that road then I will take more of an effort to trust-but verify until a solid track record is in place.

Well it has been a few days since I posted on my thread so here's an update - really not much to report but here goes.

Updating on the W's new credit card, it does appear that the charge was for a gift she gave me last month so I am going to put that to rest - not that I was overly concerned about it because I really have taken the attitude that we are separated so she can pretty much do whatever she wants, who am I to care or tell her otherwise.

I continue to set myself up for unrealistic expectations that are based on my assumption that she is interested in reconciling. For example, I am leaving to go out of town for the next 9 days. I will be taking our two D's with me. She will be staying in my house while I am gone to look after things. I had hoped that maybe she might decide to stay tonight, but that did not happen. She came over for dinner and then left to go back to her place. I'm trying to figure out my own emotions about this - I'm not devastated that she didn't stay, but it would have been nice. I guess I'm just looking for direction and I really won't get it until we both sit down and discuss what our plan is regarding reconciling or divorcing. For me I think having the physical intimacy a couple of weeks ago has awoken a desire to have closeness with someone, to be in a relationship again - I really haven't had one for more than 2 years now. I'm not even sure it should be with her - but I know that I miss being with someone who actually cares about me and more importantly wants to be with me.

Well I am obviously rambling and I need to get to sleep - I have an early morning ahead of me.

BA

This may be my last post in Piecing since it really appears that we are not "Piecing" at all. My trip out of town was good. Had a good conference and a nice time visiting with my family. My D's had a really good time staying with them as well. I even got in a couple of rounds of golf which was nice.

Came back home on Monday. W has spent a lot of time here at the house with us since I have been back. I decided to talk with her on Tuesday night just to see if we are on the same page regarding her moving in. It appears we are not. She said that she wants us to be "roommates" and she did not say there was a chance of reconcilliation at all. She is happy with the current status in her life and knows that she is the one with "issues". She mentioned that the intimacy we had a few weeks ago was probably a mistake.

Then last night my oldest D announces to me that the W has found a really nice townhouse that she likes. Hmmm, that's interesting because the W was just talking yesterday about starting to move some big furniture items back into the house here. So I am going to ask her about this townhouse and see if she has changed her mind about moving in. If she has that is fine, I just need to make some adjustments financially in order to manage the household finances here on my own.

Admittedly, this whole situation still makes me incredibly sad and I still don't understand why she is not happy with what we had.

BA

Hi BA--

May the pot call the kettle black?

There's an old parable - actually a Zen Buddhist koan - that has really been getting under my skin for the past few days. I'm posting it on my own thread and will relate it to my personal situation there.

But it's relatively short, so I'd also like to post it here. My intention is not to try to impart the wisdom of the ages, but maybe just to remind you of what you already know from DB'ing for so long....

Ok, here goes:

There was a farmer who had a beautiful mare. One day she got loose and ran away with a herd of wild horses.

The farmer’s neighbor said, “Oh, what bad luck!” To which the farmer replied, “What's good, what's bad - who knows?”

Some time passed.

One day the mare returned and it soon became clear that she was going to give birth to a foal.

The neighbor said, “Oh, what good luck!” To which the farmer replied, “What's good, what's bad - who knows?”

The mare gave birth to a strong colt and the colt grew fast.

Some time passed and the colt was ready to be trained. The farmer’s son began to train the colt and one day fell off and broke his leg.

The neighbor said, “Oh, what bad luck!” To which the farmer replied, “What's good, what's bad - who knows?”

Some time passed.

There was a war and the army came around looking for young men to be soldiers. Because the farmer’s son had broken his leg and walked now with a bad limp, he was not taken to fight. Instead he stayed home, cared for the farmer as he grew old, and lived to a ripe old age himself.

What's good, what's bad - who knows?

Whatever happens in our lives, we're the ones who decide what's good and what's bad (or who just wait and see). If something seems bad, maybe we simply need to change our approach. Sometimes the worst-seeming things push us to exactly where we need most to go.

THE END

Easier said than done, huh?

As always, throwing the best wishes (along with the occasional Buddhist koan ) your way.

Sincerely,
Mrs. A

Hey Mrs. A - thanks for stopping by and posting this. So very, very true. The thing is I even know where I really need to go and what I really need to do, it's just getting the fortitude, courage or whatever you want to call it to do it. I don't want to put the final stake in the R and know that if I give up it's over because she has already checked out for the most part. Right now I'm just basically peeling the bandaid off slowly and prolonging my pain.

BA

Okay so it has been a few days. I did talk to W about the townhouse that my D mentioned. W stated that she was in fact still casually looking but nothing serious. She did mention it to our D because they drove by it one day when heading over to the shopping center and she told D that it was for sale and seemed nice. However W told me that she would not seriously consider entering into a contract to purchase a home without telling me first and having me look at it with her. She still plans to move back in next month if that is okay with me.

Really until she gets a firm job offer I don't see her buying anyplace before the end of the year. I'm pretty much okay with that for now, but we both know that we can't live in limbo forever. She also seems to resent, to a certain extent, the fact that I have bought a home and made a pretty good deal on it considering the market in this area. That's on her though. I told her more than a year ago that once the lease was up on the house I was renting that I was going to buy a house either with her or without her.

So as usual it's pretty much the status quo. She will move in next month as a "roommate" which will at least help out financially. If it results in a tense living situation then I'll simply let her know that it's not working and she needs to find a place of her own and move out. On the other hand, there is always the slight possibility that living together could lead to a full R of the M - but I'm certainly not counting on that.

BA

Yep, after a certain point we can't count on anything.

As you know, I'm grappling with the same sort of thing with Mr. A - he gives me a glimmer of hope, I grab it, and then he dashes it away. And then he parades it out in front of me once again, and the whole circus starts over.

Not meaning to hijack, BA. But I don't think much harm (other than personal emotional fallout) can come of us being "generous" to our (x)life partners. In other words, you can know with relative certainty that you'll never look back at taking the high road now and say: "Oh, I really wish I had shi**ed on that bi*ch when I had the chance!"

Now help me remember my own advice when it comes to Mr. A!

ORRRRRRR.... tell me straight-up that I am naive and delusional.

P.S. Thoroughly enjoying my own string of emoticons!

P.S. - I looked for you on the alt and got nowhere. I have 2 friends - NM and Gardener. Look under them to find me as Deebee Mrsa. I have no idea how to get around FB's crazy arbitrary rules, but I hope you can find me!