Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

I am responsible for my own happiness. The one who has to cheer me on ... Is me. I am heading home to see my parents. It will help me feel better.

Thanks for reminding me that it is a walk.

You are far more positive than me. On the surface, it doesn't seem that bad but my mind wanders and I get impatient.

I met up with some friends tonight. It will take my mind off things.

back at home. i can actually respond in a proper manner now.


making sure we eat properly - cook healthy meals.
have a balance of date nights and home life.
money management.
intimacy.
making sure chores were done.

life was pretty simple. there wasn't very much to deal with.
i still think those things are important. but there are no date nights and no intimacy for me now.

even living alone. life isn't that complicated. yeah, you balance everything yourself but i did that before anyway.
i make sure i eat properly, my bills are paid on time, and the chores are done. anything else is fun time. and that means GAL.


from where i sit or stand, there are no openings.
i'm afraid to ask why you think the situation isn't as bad.

i'm just having a bad week.


you may have to guide me a bit on this.
you know that i've been programmed to 'win' throughout my entire marriage and possibly my entire life.
i don't know any other way. it's all i know.

i'm afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt again.


again, will need a bit more info on this because now we are working on the sitch and not me.

my posts over the next two days will be a bit different as i'll be posting via mobile phone.

Hey there D4ML, I have to say I think you have a good shot also. But I can see why you are having doubts.

You are over in the Infedelity board and the person you are posting with is FANTASTIC at affairs and exposure (and I get that you needed to check that out--I did as well), but honestly, he has you going over and over your sitch and rehashing all the old stuff from MONTHS ago, and it isn't going to be helpful.

It's keeping you stuck. I know you want to be validated about all that stuff, but the old saying keeps popping up in my head: Do you want to be right? or do you want your H...

You stick with doing the work and there is NO WAY you will have the same R. It's just impossible. And you cannot say what it will be in the future and no one else can make that prediction either.

So please, you are doing great, but I see some major steps back over there and I don't think it's helping you at all. They are a little cynical over there (do you blame them!?!) and I just think it's best you stay here--or lurk in peicing now. You want to keep your hopes up and keep positive--I think you can do this!!

LauraOh.. Thank you.

I knew something was off.

This is why I HATE forum jumping!!

Pick a place.. and focus on that.

------------------

Dumped.. do you want to prove he has another?

Yes or No.

I am not playing your silly game anymore.

If it is the end all.. then just say it is.

If you want to find a reason to quit and give up.. you have had many chances at that.

One more.. most likely will not make the difference.

What do you want?

you and forrest seem to think this. maybe it's because you've been there before and i haven't.
i'm living it now. and what i am experiencing (the no contact) seems to be telling me otherwise. i read somewhere that the longer you are separated with no contact, he will get used to you not being there instead of missing you. so basically, the longer i am separated from my h, he is getting used to life without me. he doesn't miss me. so .. why would he want to reconcile?

it is when i read that piece of information, that it triggered this snowball in me. to start thinking that maybe there was somebody else. that he no longer thinks of me. that he's thinking of somebody else .. and it just takes over.

i am not seeing the 'openings' or the 'good shot'. my h doesn't even care to contact me at all. all i see is me being shut out. and when this happens, all i can say is i don't know what i did to cause him to be so angry at me that we need to severe our friendship. if i had some communication, i can either gauge my progress or maybe i'll see an 'opening'. but i see nothing.

i feel like an idiot for trying to save something that i see is impossible to save. that's where my head is at. i feel stupid. very stupid.


yeah. i can see this .. i learned some new things. but even his advice, i can't get myself to stomach. be nice to his mother? i rather eat roadkill.


i don't really know how to answer that question.
i would like my h back but at what cost. it depends.


i am trying to stay positive but it is really really hard at the moment. the folks over at infidelity haven't given me a real reason to be completely negative. but i agree, the rehashing of the past isn't helpful.


i don't want to prove. i just want to know.
i don't want to have my head buried in the sand. you know that it's my dealbreaker.

it's my nature to constantly be alert for anything that could change my game plan.

if there is someone else, then we move to plan b now.
otherwise, we keep going. but constantly monitor to see if we need to move to plan b. i don't want to be caught off guard.


i want to know why you think there are openings because i simply don't see them.
i see the door firmly shut. and i wonder whether i'm going to 'lose'. i feel like i'm losing the battle.

the longer we are separated with no contact, the less he will miss me. the door isn't going to open for me.
with no contact, there is no seeing what i'm doing.

and this has me in a downward spiral. the infidelity thing doesn't bother me as much as that. in most sitches, reconciliation happened after a few months of separation. my separation is starting to become longer than most. there is no contact because we have no kids. there is no reason to stay together. where are the openings?

allen_a in infidelity helped me understand when and why one would stray. i wasn't there to find out if my h was seeing someone. i went to make sure i didn't have my head buried in the sand. you hear others say that 99% of the sitches involve an EA/PA. if you say that your WAS isn't, then you must have your head buried in the sand. so i went to see if i had my head buried in the sand.

allen_a started asking me a bunch of questions about my h and his family history. and that re-opened the history books. he didn't fill my head with thoughts of 'oh he must be seeing someone'. he had me looking at things from a different perspective but i don't belong in that forum right now.


trying. not succeeding. one step forward. two steps back.

i did something different. i drove home. cheered my friends on at the tournament. being home felt good. i understand why you need to move away from your h when you separate. i dropped the rope for the weekend. i'm still barely hanging on.

Hey D$ML, as I see it, you are on the verge of trying to win back your H.

You are afraid to leap. You don't want to look foolish.

It is making you feel anxious--normal, very, very normal.

It's like the other stuff. There are steps. There is work. The more you do the work, the less scary it will be.

Don't be afraid of looking foolish--especially around here. You are a loving person. You loved. You have that ability and that emotion. It is admirable--not foolish. That is who YOU want to be. Always keep in the front of your mind--who do YOU want to be.

Don't worry about him, how he will look at this, nothing--it's all you. It's all the type of person that you are, that you want to be, that will make you proud of yourself in the end. And taking that leap WILL make you proud of yourself. You can proudly say "I did everything I could". There is a lot of power in that statement. I have been able to say it and I am proud as heck of the work I have done. I have been a fool for love--yeah me!! I admit it!! I will never be sorry that this is "me".

I hope that makes sense--you just need to dig in and the anxiety will go away. There will be goals and homework and all that stuff and you will meet them bit by bit and grow in your confidence.

Take the leap. or we'll have to push you off.lol.

Are you envisioning a reconciliation where it's not a problem for him if you treat his mother coldly?

during the marriage, she cried to get her way and lied about me to my h (said i was mad and mean to her when i wasn't).

after h declared it was over, she took liberties at me and was disrespectful towards me in my own home.

things like that, would have to stop. reconciliation doesn't mean that i'd be sacrificing my self-worth to be a doormat to h and his family. i will not do that for my h or for my m.

yes and yes.
maybe it's that 'need to win' in me.
i've said it in the previous post. it's all i know. how do i change it?
i envision the work to be like me gripping on to h's leg and begging him to not leave me. i don't want to be that woman. it looks so bad. a strong capable woman having to beg a man to stay with her? i have too much pride for that.


i do feel anxious. and for some reason, my sixth sense tells me another legal bomb is about to get dropped.


forrest says we are done working on me. it's time to work on the sitch. what kind of work is involved in that?


i feel shame. i've had a few people tell me that d is very common and that there's nothing to be ashamed about it. but to me, it's very shameful.
it's public knowledge that someone doesn't want me.
that in itself is shameful.
and that's why i've always been looking for an out. i don't want to be told twice that i am not wanted.

that's what i'm afraid of. that the work is going to involve begging, groveling (sp?) and making myself look desperate, needy, and weak.


i've barely done anything. it's no wonder forrest says i've done a little bit of work. there's more to do?


right now, i feel like i've taken steps back.


why does this remind me of swim class in grade 6?

somehow i feel a legal setback coming on. i feel like the two month absence of h is due to him planning some big legal war against me. it's a strong vibe. and that has me conflicted. yes, i know .. i need to get rid of these thoughts. but it's that part of me that has to prepare myself from getting blindsided.

i have nobody to help me. i have my l and that's it. i'm not the vindictive woman that you hear about when a h asks for a d. i'm just playing by the book. why waste money on a legal battle?

"i read somewhere that the longer you are separated with no contact, he will get used to you not being there instead of missing you. so basically, the longer i am separated from my h, he is getting used to life without me. he doesn't miss me. so .. why would he want to reconcile?"

"it is when i read that piece of information, that it triggered this snowball in me. to start thinking that maybe there was somebody else. that he no longer thinks of me. that he's thinking of somebody else .. and it just takes over."

So.. you did it to yourself?

Do you believe everything you read?

Don't say yes.. cause I will disagree with you.

"i feel like an idiot for trying to save something that i see is impossible to save. that's where my head is at. i feel stupid. very stupid."

Then quit. Stop posting and live your life. It is the "easy" thing to do. It also is just more of the same from you.

"i don't want to prove. i just want to know.
i don't want to have my head buried in the sand. you know that it's my dealbreaker."

If it was truly a deal breaker.. you would have already been filing. The way I "see" it is it is just you looking for the answer. Again.. I don't think it would change things for you.

Assume he is. It is the smart thing to do.

What now?

"i want to know why you think there are openings because i simply don't see them."

Your L is telling you to try and have a sit down with him.

That seems fairly important to me.

I am crazy though.

"i see the door firmly shut. and i wonder whether i'm going to 'lose'. i feel like i'm losing the battle."

Again.. stop posting and move on.

"the longer we are separated with no contact, the less he will miss me. the door isn't going to open for me.
with no contact, there is no seeing what i'm doing."

Again.. more of the same.

I don't care if he ever "sees" it. This is not the goal. He has to make the choice to come back. If he does.. I want you ready. I am thinking ahead.. and preparing you for what might come. You are still living in the moment.

I thought you had caught up some.

"my separation is starting to become longer than most."

Really? Hmm.. I know a few people that have you beat... and they have kids.

"allen_a started asking me a bunch of questions about my h and his family history. and that re-opened the history books. he didn't fill my head with thoughts of 'oh he must be seeing someone'. he had me looking at things from a different perspective but i don't belong in that forum right now."

Why?

If you don't belong.. why are you there?

I am not the one you want supporting you when you are down. I am here to push you. As history has shown.. I will do it to a fault. Call me a "drama queen".

But I only post where I think I can help. I would not be wasting my time if I did not think you had a chance. Nothing I have seen so far has said to me.. this "stitch" is done.

But.. you have to step out of your comfort zone.. and test the waters. It is gonna sting a bit.. but that is life.

You need to GAL.. some more.

Think about what you want.