Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Here's a story...of a very sad lady

Sadly, this is my second time here. 7 years ago I was here, very similar feelings and I saved my marriage and was very happy, apparently I was very naive.

Basics: H45 (today), me 44, S13, S11 M21 years

Our life became complicated about 1.5 years ago. My husband's job was not going well and he found a new job. The new job was 12 hours away from where we lived. My H immediately moved to the new location while kids and I stayed to sell house. I made a deal with my job and if I stuck around for 1 year I could then work from my new home and keep the job at the old location. We built a new home in the new location and came down in May but went back for the summer and boys and I returned last week for the school year. The boys are back in school and I have enrolled them in activities to get them quickly acclimated and involved. Then H dropped the bomb. Some stuff over the summer didn't add up and I realize there is another OW. I have snooped enough to confirm OW, but trying not to do anything more as I know it will hurt me, not him. There was an OW last time, but I thought it was an EA, not PA, we never talked about it. This appears to be a PA.

When H first told me, I asked for C or Retrouvaille. He said we did the self-help crap last time and it didn’t work. What we did last time was suffer for 8 months, he moved out, he then went to see a C and then decided he wanted to make it work and we saw C together a few times and were happy again and I gave him my complete trust. I realize I was slow in accepting the change of this move, but I had complete faith in our M and that were doing everything in the kids’ best interest of being in a better school district in old home. Obviously, I choose wrong.

So H has told me he wants me to move back to old location and he will come visit the children 2x a month. Or, if I choose to stay here, he will move to an apartment. I’m waiting to get an appointment with my old C to see what she recommends is best for the kids. My fear is if I leave, then the prospect of saving the M is severely diminished. I have in the years lent my divorce remedy book to friends and need to get a new copy. I’ve been working on just being his friend. I’m not begging for anything, though I did tell him very strongly that I wanted to work on the marriage and I’m not ready to give up for the sake of the children. H told me that I am more honorable than he is, he guesses. I do remember to believe nothing that he does and only ½ of what he says. I do my best not to cry around him and have been pretty good about that. He took off his wedding ring and S13 has noticed, but he isn’t sure what it means. He didn’t ask me directly about it, so I haven’t broached the subject yet. H has agreed to wait for C opinion before we make any decisions or who stays or who goes.

So that is where I am with some huge decisions ahead of me. I have only told a few select friends for their support, knowing that their advice for me is often based on my pain and not on what I need to do to save my M. As despite everything he has done, I do want to do that.

Dagny

Talked to my old C and made a decision. I will stay here until x-mas, it gives me time to figure out what I want to do and it gives me the opportunity to try and save the M, again. If I move 12 hours back to home the chance of being able to work on the M will be slim. C thinks I should confront H about OW --to at least say that I know there is someone else. This is my second time through this and I need to lay everything out on the table. I’m very non-confrontational, but I’m not the one who rocked the boat, he did. Me keeping my mouth shut and letting him perpetuate the lie isn’t going to help anything.

Now I need to figure out how to say everything I need to say to H. How and when we are going to tell the kids. I guess it depends on when he is going to find an apartment. Power shifts back to him.

Dagny.

Oh boy, I just looked up my old info to add to my signature when I first came to the boards and saw that jamesjohn had linkds all my threads in the successful women thread. Now I truly feel like a failure! How could I let myself be in the exact same position, again?

Though, I do know that isn't completely true, I know that I can survive this, I know that if I DB and I fail to save my M, I will save myself.

Tonight is the "talk". I'm actually writing myself notes so I remember to say everything I want to say. I must bring up the OW, not sure if he will deny or confirm. Doesn't matter, I just need to be honest and stop brushing things under the rug. As C said, if the M is going to end, have it end honestly. And if it will be saved again, everything will be out in the open this time.

Dagny,

I'm so sorry to see you back here, but you're not a failure. Affairs are HIGHLY addictive, and without complete no-contact, a transparency plan, and GOOD marriage counseling/family therapy, with a FT who specializes in infidelity, the recidivism rate is VERY high -- upwards of 90%.

So it isn't you ... it's him.

Just learn from your mistakes, and protect yourself going forward. Time to ditch the "be his friend" thing, and start worrying more about being "Mamabear." Your kids are going to need you in the next 24 months, in a big way.

Puppy

Best to just say "I know all about you and ________, so please don't disrespect me or our family any further by continuing to lie about it." If he does (lie), then put your hand up in the "STOP" position and -- looking him straight in the eye -- say "Stop it. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful not only to me and to our marriage, but to our family. We always taught our kids the importance of honesty; I've decided that WHATEVER happens with us, I am going to insist on that in our family moving forward." And then if he persists in the lie (ex.: "we're just friends"), turn and leave the room.

I had to do this with my wife. From my personal archives:


Boundaries/”Start with the DECEIT”

I would start with the DECEIT.

Once it became apparent in my sitch that my wife wasn't going to end her affair, despite confrontation, exposure to her parents, siblings, our adult children and her employer, I decided that I couldn't stop her. But I was DAMNED sure going to stop tolerating the DECEIT. She was lying to her own parents (whom I love and respect, very much, and who have been like PARENTS to me throughout our marriage), and to our adult daughters.

So my BIG boundary was this:

"I will no longer tolerate your deceit. I will no longer stand idly by while you have an affair with a boy half your age, and then not only LIE to your parents and our children about it, but you make wild accusations about ME, that I'm 'crazy' and paranoid. Well, that's over. You either tell them the truth, or I will, and I will show them the evidence that I have. You have exactly five minutes to decide."

And I was dead serious.

btw, my smaller boundaries were:

-- no calling or texting OM from inside of our marital home;

-- no calling or texting OM in front of our kids, regardless of where you are;

-- I will no longer allow our family's finances to be spend enabling your affair; you will have to get your own cellphone, and pay for your tummy tuck Visa payments, lingerie, haircoloring and what-not.

-- If you plan on coming home after 1am, don't bother coming home.

In your case, since you're living apart, I would start with the DECEIT boundary. It's incredibly disrespectful, and there's no reason why you have to stand there and be lied to, continually.

----------------------------

Wow, PDT, lot to digest here. This is a bit of a new road for me with the affair, I'm pretty sure last time it was an EA, this time, I believe PA. But could be wrong, could have been PA last time, but still don't think so. So I need to learn how to react to all of these emotions.

When I read the idea of "being his friend" it hit home with me. It is something I can do and I don't think that and "mamabear" are mutually exclusive. If I act as his friend I will bring an air of civility to the home and situation. Mamabear comes very natural to me and is always at the center of my thoughts, probably causing some of these problems as I do often put them in front of the M, which hurt during this long moving period. Many times during C yesterday I would ask C what is best for the kids and she would steer the conversation back to what is best for me.

I don't know the name of OW. I haven't snooped that far as I know it will devastate me. I need to read more of your advice on affairs, need to learn how to address that and learn if I can forgive that. Right now I'm in the save the M mode, but I know there is that chance that it might not be the right thing for me. However, at the moment, it is the premise I am going to adhere to.

I'll let you get your bearings, but will keep checking back on your thread to answer any questions, Dagny.

But know this: "busting an affair", or "laying out (and enforcing) strong boundaries", and "save the M mode" . . . are NOT mutually exclusive!! In fact, every piece of "take a strong stance" advice I've ever given on these boards, has been with saving the marriage in mind. In over six years and nearly 20,000 posts, and studying literally THOUSANDS of affairs, I have personally never seen the "be their friend" or the "Little Bo-Peep" thing work.

Not once.



"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"


1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.


2. Do either:


2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)

Allen A's Posts

; or


2b. "Set Them Free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

"Setting Them Free"


Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy, will read and learn about affair approaches.

Question to all those out there:

I have decided that I will stay in the South until Christmas break and at that time will re-evaluate if I will move back to the Northeast where I have a job or stay here. Do I tell H that timeframe tonight or do I just simply state that I am staying here.

Second Question: Do I tell him one of the reasons I'm staying here is to be able to fully give our M a chance or do I simply state that I'm staying here as it is best for the kids?

Thanks for opinions!

Dagny

My opinion:

Tell him of the plans, but DON'T give it a timeframe (I can explain this more funny later).

Tell him nothing other than "I've decided that this is what's best for me and the kids right now; that could change."

Puppy

Um, should have said "more fully," LOL. Sorry!