I never had to say. She could tell by how swiftly I confronted her about affair, and how aggressively I exposed it, that I meant business, I guess.
If she HAD violated them? Well, she did stay out really late one night, and I locked up the house tight, and turned out all the lights, inside and out. If she had contacted OM in front of us, I would have probably stepped things up very legally. I let her know very clearly that how she "behaved" those months would have a great deal to say about what I decided to do about pursuing primary custody of our boys.
In regards to your question, this is a new complaint. However, she has always refered the decision up to me as to where we eat and what movie we see. There have been times when she wanted to see a chick flick and I wasn't happy about that. So that is an example of me be controlling.
Oh, suuure, now if THAT isn't a great reason to have an affair and tear apart a family, I don't know what is!! Wow, what a controlling ass you were.
After figuring out that I am going up North she now has no one to watch the kids. I guess she is not going on her trip. I kinda of wonder if she was ever planning to go on this trip or if this was a test. There have been a lot of test lately. So here is the latest.
We are both off on Labor Day weekend. So I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere with the family. She said no that she wants to spend the day by the pool. I said OK and asked the kids if they wanted to go to an amusement park, camping, the zoo, or sit at the pool. They both decided to go to an amusement park. I was going to tell the W that we were going to the amusement park but my daugher said something at dinner. So the W got mad (really mad) and wouldn't talk to me. I think I am still going to go and offer her the option to go. Regardless of what she says, we are going. It will be fun and it is the last day of summer vacation. I don't think this really isn't about the trip but the fact that she wants to control the relationship and family. I have been doing a lot of 180s and she is not sure how to handle these things. On a positive note, she has agreed to go to dinner, play cards, has talked to me every night (for at least a 1/2 hour), and seems interested in me. On the down side she is looking at Condo that we can't afford. I just don't know what she is thinking. Time to put some boudaries down and see what happens.
After figuring out that I am going up North she now has no one to watch the kids. I guess she is not going on her trip. I kinda of wonder if she was ever planning to go on this trip or if this was a test. There have been a lot of test lately. So here is the latest.
We are both off on Labor Day weekend. So I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere with the family. She said no that she wants to spend the day by the pool. I said OK and asked the kids if they wanted to go to an amusement park, camping, the zoo, or sit at the pool. They both decided to go to an amusement park. I was going to tell the W that we were going to the amusement park but my daugher said something at dinner. So the W got mad (really mad) and wouldn't talk to me. I think I am still going to go and offer her the option to go. Regardless of what she says, we are going. It will be fun and it is the last day of summer vacation. I don't think this really isn't about the trip but the fact that she wants to control the relationship and family. I have been doing a lot of 180s and she is not sure how to handle these things. On a positive note, she has agreed to go to dinner, play cards, has talked to me every night (for at least a 1/2 hour), and seems interested in me. On the down side she is looking at Condo that we can't afford. I just don't know what she is thinking. Time to put some boudaries down and see what happens.
As Coach likes to say, "LEAD." Your actions should be "I thought it'd be fun to take the kids to the amusement park on Saturday. You're welcome to join us." If she pouts, bitches, moans, or whatever, YOU STILL GO, and you remain UPBEAT about it.
Well we went to session 4 of the MC and it was not fun. She started off by saying that she wanted to seperate because I was trying to deny her the kids. I pulled out the emails that we sent to each other and read her the section where I told her I was going to talk to the kids. That didn't seem to make a difference. She was looking for an excuse and that was it. We talked somemore about her possible trip and she said that I didn't trust her and we couldn't have a relationship that didn't have trust. That was it. I have bent over backwards for her, given her space, stayed positive, ignored her OM texts, and tried to work things out in MC. She hasn't committed herself to us and I just let her know in plain english, that I knew she was still talking to him (she denied it), that she had photos of him on her cell phone (she denied that) and that I didn't believe because of a variety of 1/2 truths and lies. I told her that since we were in a safe place (with a neutral party present) that our kids had seen her looking at him (when a hockey uniform) and that I caught her in bed looking at him on her cell phone and doing something else at the same time. I have had it. She didn't deny it anymore and just looked down in her lap.
The MC asked her if she wanted to seperate to divorce. She said no just to think. He then asked her if she wanted to date. She said no. He then asked her if I could date. She said yes. He then asked her if I could have physical contact with another woman. She said yes. He then asked her if I could have sexual contact with another woman. She said yes. He looked at me and I told her to just be honest and admit the physical relationship because at this point I really don't care. I already know that something happened. She still wouldn't admit it. We both left the MC session drained emotionally and she went to look at condos to buy (not rent but buy--also at a price range that she couldn't afford).
She came home and told me that she couldn't afford the condo (what I told her earlier) and that she was looking at another one today that was cheaper. I told her that I didn't want a condo or the payments and that she should consider renting. She stated that it was a waste of money to rent. She said that if we reconcile, then we can rent it. I don't want to be a landlord. So now she is off looking at a condo.
She has developed a plan to buy a condo. She is using some inheritance money that was supposed to be for the kids college fund (according to her deceased mother) to make a down payment. She will let me keep the house. She wants to share the kids 50/50 and I said ok. But I work weekends, so she would like my mom to watch the
Kids one weekend a month. I am going to leave my mom out of it. She has to realize that she is leaving and if the kids are in the way, then she has to find a place for them. I work weekends and cannot take a weekend off each month so that she can do whatever she wants to do. I would take time off if we patched things up and were together. But not now. She needs to hit that reality wall of a single parent/homeowner lifestyle. She is the one who wants to leave, she will be the one who has to deal with the problems of home ownership and single parenthood.
She just came back from individual therapy and announced that her therapist told her that she should get a divorce-after the first session. I wonder what she told the therapist in one meeting to make the therapist say that. Or if the therapist is any good.
She has also found a condo that she wants to buy. So I have given up and will now try to go from saving the family to trying to limit the financial damage that is coming. I still have a hard time believing that this is happening. I tried to reason with her but it is no good-I knew that before I even opened my mouth. It was a shock that she wanted to divorce at this point.
I called the MC and told him. He called me back at 9:30 pm and said that he couldn't believe it and that it was bordering on malpractice to reccommend divorce after one meeting. He also said that we had been making progress and he had given us a good chance to recover from everything.
She now wants to tell the kids ASAP. We'll have to see what is going to happen from here. I really hope it will not get ugly in court. But I am prepared if it does......
Gef, my W told me the same after meeting with our C, the C met with each of us individually first. After W went she came home and told me that C told her to file for D. When I went back to C I asked them point blank did you tell her that. C said no, absolutly not, there's more but the point is that I think some W's want to hear it so they feel better about what they want to do and twist what the C tells them. In my case the C told W to think about what it would take to fix it, that's all.
I see PDT posting to you and that's great. Just my 2 cents.
I notice that you keep asking for advice but don't do anything with it. All your posts just describe what happened and not really about what DB principles you've tried applying.
Bottom line is to do something different. Right now your W is going to see anything you say as negative. It doesn't matter if the sky is blue. If you say it is, she'll say it isn't. Which is why you avoid the R talk to a certain degree.
The OM is an addiction and it takes several months for it to go away. What boundaries have you established? Doesn't sound like you had any.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I notice that you keep asking for advice but don't do anything with it. All your posts just describe what happened and not really about what DB principles you've tried applying.
You noticed that too, eh Bond? I can only guess that Gef just wants to vent and complain, so I've just left him alone. It takes two to have a dialogue.
