The latest-we had our first talk last night and she wants to seperate. I started to ask her the hard questions like where are you going to live, how will we divide the time up with the kids, etc. She instantly turned it around saying that I was trying to deny her custody of the kids. I told her that I think she should be in the kids lives but I was not leaving my house. She is the one have the EA and if she wants to seperate then she can move out. I am not going to give up my house so she can have her affair. I just wonder what she is thinking sometimes. If our roles were reversed and I had the affair plus wanted to seperate, she would tell me to go and don't let the door hit me on the way out.
The latest-we had our first talk last night and she wants to seperate. I started to ask her the hard questions like where are you going to live, how will we divide the time up with the kids, etc. She instantly turned it around saying that I was trying to deny her custody of the kids. I told her that I think she should be in the kids lives but I was not leaving my house. She is the one have the EA and if she wants to seperate then she can move out. I am not going to give up my house so she can have her affair. I just wonder what she is thinking sometimes. If our roles were reversed and I had the affair plus wanted to seperate, she would tell me to go and don't let the door hit me on the way out.
Gef
Mistake. Big mistake. #1 rule? No R talk.
She's not sure of anything right now. In MC she said she wants to work on this and will go NC with OM. Yet, last night she wants a S? She is waffling Gef. If you continue R talk, she's going to go back and forth. Do not have any R talk. Give it time. Do your 180's and she will stick it out.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
"Wife, I won't share you with another man. If you don't stop immediate contact then I will pack your belongings and help you move out and initiate a D."
be very clear about what is non-negotiable to you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
John, Coach is correct. A "R talk" -- as definited by MWD -- really refers more to ongoing relationship talks. Temperature-checking. "What are your intentions?" Blaming. Re-writing marital history. Etc.
There's nothing wrong with firmly establishing right up front what your BOUNDARIES are, as Coach suggests here. That's not "R talk" -- that's WHERE YOU STAND, your "Boundary of Personal Integrity."
Puppy
P.S. After I did this with my wife, and she refused to respect my #1 boundary of "no open marriage" (she did respect my smaller boundaries like "no phoning OM from inside our home," or "no phoning or texting OM in front of me or the kids," etc.), I then had the perfect "out" for why I insisted on no R talks. "I will not discuss our marriage with you as long as you've made the unilateral decision to invite a third person into it, by having an affair" became my position, and I was absolutely UNWAVERING in that.
She squirmed and b*tched and moaned and screamed bloody murder at first, that I refused to sit down and talk to her. Eventually, over the course of a few weeks, as she saw that I was NOT going to be either bullied nor sweet-talked (and she tried both approaches) into sitting down and having an R talk with her, she eventually stopped trying.
I confronted my wife within 24 hours of having proof she was having an affair.
I exposed her affair within 24 hours to our adult daughters, and within two weeks to her family and her employer.
I re-confronted her on Day 60, and laid out a "No More Deceit" boundary, telling her "either you tell our daughters and your parents the truth about your relationship with (OM), or I will." I had evidence, and I told her she had five minutes to decide. Within two hours, she had told all four of them the truth -- that she wasn't "just friends" with OM, and that Puppy hadn't been lying when I told them she was having an affair.
About a week later (around Day 70), I filed for divorce, after my wife stubbornly refused to end her affair.
On Day 90, she ended her affair, and asked "what will it take?" to reconcile. I laid out my short-list of non-negotiable boundaries, and we reconciled.
There were several fits-and-starts after that, with the divorce initially being put on two 3-month "stays" before finally being withdrawn. We also separated for a couple of weeks about a year ago, and agreed to date other people, but that was short-lived, and after one "date" (drinks with a former co-worker) I agreed to move back in with her to work on our marriage. We did some MCing, still struggle with the SSM thing, but have remained great friends and partners ever since, and celebrated both our 25th wedding anniversary and the birth of our first granddaughter this Spring.
Interestingly, when my wife tearfully asked for reconciliation (and thereafter), she told me that although she HATED me at the time, and was LIVID with me for exposing her affair, she understood why I did it, RESPECTED me for it, and THANKED ME for fighting for our marriage!
Well I took the advise of several posts and started a 6 session MC with divorce busters. We are still using the old MC because it is covered by insurance. I have to say that I got some good insight into our marraige from the DB. I haven't approached the W about the DB counseling session yet. I think I will at some point. But she started her own counseling session to get things worked out in her own mind. She lost her mom, got a new job (left the old one after 15 years)--both in June and just turned 42 in August. This caused her to look at her life and realize that it was not what she wanted. So she decided to end it with me because she knew me and that I couldn't change and be happy.
I have realized that she really doesn't know me that well.
I have made and will continue to make changes to my life because I don't like what I had become. I had neglected friends, familyk, and buried my self in work and home projects. I didn't realize that I was hurting these area until she told (probably too late now) but I am not going to give up.
We did have a talk about the OM and it sounds like it is only an EA and he is not interested in her at this point. That doesn't change anything because she still wants to seperate. She made an appointment to look at a condo near by our house. She siad that I could keep the house and we would split the kids between us. The only problem is that I don't want to be house poor. So at this point, I told her that I understand her feelings and if she wants to move out then I would support her (emotionally). However, I am thinking about filing for a D because that way there is a time limit to this (6 months) for her to figure things out and allow me to move on if we don't reconcile. I could also have the option to sell the house if I needed to.
