Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Retrouvaille - What's your experience?

Hello all. I've been using the LRT to no avail, it has been pushing her away further, she has avoided all contact.

Last week, I reached out to her and indicated my intentions on reconciliation and committing to our marriage. She wanted more. However, we talk, then she shuts down. I get a little overbearing and am learning to back down.
We talked Thurs night....I asked her to go to Retrouvaille which we paid for during our first separation in 11/09.
Late that night, she text me, "I guess our conversation didn't go as you planned". I replied the next morning, Friday with, "I said what I needed to say, made my intentions clear, what's done is done, today's a new day, it's never to late to look forward".

To my surprise I get a text later in the morning asking if I could talk. I told her in a few hours. When I called her, she dumped me in voicemail then texted that she couldn't gain privacy (she's living with her parents) but wanted to know when the next Retrouvaille weekend was. It started last Friday. Our sons 6th birthday was this weekend and I had a party planned for him (she did hers last weekend). She didn't want to dissapoint him by his B-Day being put off. She's big on birthday's where as I am not. I didn't see the harm in rescheduling for one week, so I think she was using as an excuse.

We have had one more talk on Friday night.

She does not say either way what she wants. She did indicate she wants to find something that will bring back the feelings first before trying to work on the marriage. I'm a believer of leading the heart, not waiting for the feeling. This seems to be the BIG stumbling block.

Last night she texted me to start a conversation, when it ended I sent her a smiley face kiss...on her phone she thought it meant "lips sealed' so she texted back what that was suppose to mean. I replied that it was sent with love or sealed with a kiss. The texting stopped. Perhaps the conversation was over, just seemed abrupt to me.

There is another Retrouvaille coming up and I'd like to inform her of it, but don't want to come across too strong. However, the stories about this program are incredible.

Your thoughts?

I'm curious too.

Trying to get my W to go, but she doesn't see the point

Yep. The program is incredible. The hard part is getting the two of you to walk in the door. After that, it's easy. You should not wait for the feelings to come back first. Retrouvaille is for couples on the rocks. I like what you said here:

"I said what I needed to say, made my intentions clear, what's done is done, today's a new day, it's never to late to look forward".

That is exactly the right attitude. The past is done, you can't change it. the time to make your life better is NOW. Ask her to go to the weekend. Maybe make it a date. I don't think I ever had a happier, warmer weekend than the one we spent at Retrouvaille.

It was the single biggest help I had in making the first step away from the train wreck that was my marriage and my emotional state.

I posted this before so I apologise if I'm being repetitive.

Prior to going, my W was:

- resistant to going. In fact she wanted a promise that she could leave any time she felt uncomfortable ... even on the drive there.
- She wanted to leave within 5 minutes of being there, I persuaded her to stay.
- convinced we had lost our connection ages ago (part of re-written history)
- convinced she could never love me again, and would have given the world to feel that way for me, but could simply never see it happening again. Ever.
- would want the M for the sake of the kids, but felt OM was her true soulmate, and it was a sacrifice she would have to make as a mother. In her words then "It's not like I hate you Deep, or can't stand the sight of you, I can live my life with you without being too unhappy". Till this day, I can scarecely recall words that hurt me more in my life.
- Was adamant she could keep OM as a friend, and refused on NC in any form.
- She was gritting her teeth and seeing this through so that I could not say she didn't try, not that she expected it to help at all.

Retrouvaille is not a magic bullet, nor an instant miracle that makes everything ok. But these DID happen:

- Saturday night (the second night of our weekend), W kissed me and for the first time in months, told me she felt something, a lot like the connection we had. This was after the agony of months hearing her tell me she felt nothing when we kissed and to please stop even asking her about it.
- When we packed to go back, she hugged me, and thanked me for making her come, and making her stay, and that she was moved in ways she never thought possible.
- when we pulled into the driveway of our apartment block, she held my hand and thanked me for giving us another chance.
- We unpacked in our room, I hugged her from the back, and the dam just broke, she cried and cried, and hugged me and told me she was so sorry. It was the first time I felt she truly felt remorse.

It wasn't a fairy tale ride after that. We had huge downs and huge fights and still had (and have) work to do on our M, but it gave us a chance that I honestly think we wouldn't have had otherwise.

Our third child was the 40-something child born to reconciled couples from the programme in our area we're told. We both help out at weekends now (simple things like registration and making the coffee) as a small way of paying it forward. From someone deeply suspicious and cynical of the programme (and still a non-Christian), my W is now encouraging people to attend it when she comes across friends with problems in their M.

2 couples I have helped persuade to attend are now reconciling, one of them just had a new baby.

It is not an easy and sure-fire solution, it doesn't work for everybody, and it does not fix everything and make the love just come back and the pain go away ... but it is a huge aid for couples to learn techniques to communicate better and move forward to a better marriage.

You have nothing to lose, do what you can to make a weekend.

Lotus and Deep, thanks for the feedback. I threw the date out to her yesterday on the phone. She's been calling me/texting me every day since I initiated contact with her (although only about our son) and stated my intentions. I have to remember to believe nothing I hear and only 50% of what I see...right?
I asked only that she agree to give me a date when she would decide to/not to go. She said, "tomorrow". I said, "Whoa, that seems awfully quick, how about 8.14 you let me know", she said, "Thank you,I appreciate that". I was getting from her prior she was feeling pressured.

I added that even if we are to continue with our D (I must STOP putting negative seeds out there), we need to work through and resolve our issues so we don't carry baggage and to be the best parents we can be. This weekend will give me a chance to work on ME. I'd go without you becuase I'm excited to do more work on ME, but they won't let me go without you.

Now, to pray she read and research and find all the great stories of hope and that it fills her heart with a desire to do such and not freak out and run to the fear of getting hurt again!

She called last night at 9pm to coordinate another date to get her remaining items out of the home. It turned into a roller coaster ride 4 hour conversation.

Today I paid her auto insurance without questions which is due to expire Friday. She's thankful I'm sure.

ONE week ago, we were silent, now have talked/texted everyday, today was the first I initiated since last week and kept the conversation short. She called me back to share more about my S riding his bike.

People who want D's don't share this kind of stuff.....DO THEY?

Drop the rope. If there's anything left in the tank, she'll be attracted back to you.

And when you talk, don't. Listen to her. With your full heart and attention. As if your marriage depended on it.

Women want strong men to fight for them. Much of what they do (as long as there is no OM) is based on fear.

Pinhead....

Drop the rope....I tried the LRT, got no where. Please be sepecific...

And when you talk, don't...this is a challenge of mine...but she wants to hear me respond, please give example.

TBD,

The LRT is a long, long process. It can take years. I know you don't want to hear that, neither did I. But you'll eventually realize the LRT is about salvaging your soul, not your marriage. It might save your marriage, but nothing is given.

The listening thing. Not to be sexist, but most women talk out loud through their problems, while men want the basic info, and then want to fix the issue. Trust me on this, it has killed my marriage. Read "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" as well as "The Five Love Languages." You'll start to understand how much importance women place on a partner who listens.

You validate what she says by really listening to what she says, then saying something like "yes, that must have been hard..." or "I can understand why that would be upsetting." The thing is you can't fake this. She'll see right through it.

If she asks you a simple question, give her a normal, short answer, but let her lead the convo. If it's a tough question, answer with something along the lines of "That's a tough question. I don't know the answers right now, I'll have to give that a lot of thought."

When you give adhoc, quick replies to deep questions, you're acting superficially, and in a reactionary manner.

I have some questions about Retrouvaille.
1. Is it like Marriage Encounter, as in talks, journaling, etc.?
2. Do we have to share a room?
3. What are reasonable expectations about afterwards?
My husband and I talked about going. I was for it, but he stalled. Then he brought it up again, but I said it would be a waste of time.
Thanks.