You feel scared to put yourself out there for him because you know what he's capable of and what he's done in the past. That means you know it's wrong and that's a good thing.
Dating others makes you feel worse because you are not ready to date. And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. You need to heal yourself first and recover from this R before you can even think about moving on.
You have every reason to be afraid of him. I bet sometimes even when he was nice he obv turned at some point and was hurtful again. That's why you don't feel safe even if he is being kind, because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.
When my ex cheated on me, my older sister said she didn't know how I could want to try again. Then her H threatened to rip off the kitchen table leg and beat her with it, and he chased her around the house with a hammer trying to hit her with it....
Just saying the spouses around here have done 'bad' and 'wrong' a million different ways. None are the worst, they are all unacceptable, in varying ways. Keep seeing your counselor. Are they helping?
