Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Validation questions

No. the DB board is my IC, The MC wasn't of value for a couple reasons.
1-Though my W said in the initial "couple" meeting that she wasn't sure if she wanted to try (and MC hit her point blank with "Are you seeing anyone else?") in retrospect she had been EA for at least 4 months and PA was confirmed later at one month.

2)After W's only solo session (where MC claimed to have asked abou an OM again-again denied), when I asked when our next session was she told me "I don't see the point. I've said all I needed to say". Found out later from W that MC apparently asked her about 8 questions and then told W "You're done and he just doesn't get it". What kind of MC gives somebody the answer. When I asked the MC about it after, she said "Your W needed to face her truth" Who talks like that?

It was funny that when we went to our first mediation and the guy asks "What attempts at reconcilliation have you made?', my W said "We went to MC'ing"!! I actually laughed out loud and said "Attending two sessions doesn't mean you did anything"

Then he asks what grounds are we to use for the D. She says "We ceased to live as man and wife since Aug 2009" I interjected and said "ADULTERY in April is why we are here. Those are the grounds. They are NOT negotiable" Should have seen the look on her face.

CD Bear,

Talking about bad MC - 7 years ago me and W went to MC because I insisted. She did not want to go but agreed. MC gave us a printed questionnaire to fill prior to the first session.

It was a stupid on-line like relationship quiz. W left her copy on the counter that night and I could not help but to read it.

She completely falsified all the answers to make me look as bad as possible while making herself look like the "lost case".

The MC session took 45 minutes and decision that MC made was "you guys have no future" and that was based on the questionnaire alone. No real attempt to talk to either of us was made.

We had a drink afterwards and W was so proud of herself for being smarter than MC.

We actually reconciled a week later because I gave her my half of the house. I gave in and it worked. Now I have no ammo left in my gun and she knows that.

I'm not sure what you meant by reconciled; your half of house and no ammo left.

But your MC sounds as uselss as ours was.

CD Bear,

7 years ago we were about to split and my W wanted to gain control of the mortgage. That was my last resort technique back then and I sold my half to her for a $1.

As soon as the papers were signed she took me out to dinner and I toasted her for becoming "free" from me. That was the night she asked me to stay and we re-started our R.

Today I have no leverage to implement DB fully because she now owns the house and I have nothing but years of payments towards her mortgage. That's why I say that I don't have any bullets in my gun.

All I have is patience and time and I may have to move out willingly without the fight. I could sue her for equity which is recognized in my state but I don't want to.

Geez, that is brutal.
have you spoken with a L about what leverage you may not be aware of?

You signed the contact under duress?

If you are still married I would think that matrimonial property is still divisible regardless of the contract.

gotta be something illegit about that deal back then to nullify it.

CD Bear,

I don't want to hijack this thread but if you look up my sitch you'll see that I'm not legally married. That's where my legal weakness enters the picture.

I tried to do everything to save my R and I was ready to leave. At that time we had carried the house together for only 2 years. I gavebit up as a olive branch and that turned our R around.

Pinhead...that's perfect.


Yes...I HAVE seen folks recommend "I'm sorry you feel that way".... But it accomplishes the opposite goal.

I think the fear some folks have is that if they 'validate' they are agreeing and that's not the same thing. So that's why they recommend the above sentence.

I've also seen 'just agree'. Well that's crap, you can't really do that well.....and that makes you stuck.

But you have an infinite number of options in between.

You want to present an 'agreeing' countenance.....because you want to love them, you want to really listen.....you want to be 'open' to agreeing or whatever. That's the validating....you are making your beloved FEEL their value.

Keeping your opinion out of it...is exactly right, pinhead.

Now saying things that sound more similar to "I'm sorry you are experiencing such pain", are supportive, SORT of validating, but they kind of put an end to the conversation. And that's NOT what you want to do when you're validating. You want them to say as much as they want to say.


Now ....when you are LISTENING

More than the words...and DO listen to the words....but have your shield on. Listen for ways to improve....but don't take every negative comment ON yourself. You are hearing their experience, but it doesn't mean you have to absorb it into your being and feel terrible. You shouldn't.

I digressed....more than the words.....watch the body language. Don't take each one separately but pay attention to the combination of them. Most of communication is nonverbal. If you're getting it on the phone...listen to the tone.

Pay attention to your OWN body language. You can 'say' things that tell them to continue talking or that you are really open, but if your arms are crossed and you aren't freezing....that speaks louder than your words.





Validating is how you handle an OR talk when you're stuck with having it. Consider the information they give you very valuable as far as your DBing. If you aren't ready to do this, avoid the OR talks.