I decided to make a separate topic about my questions that I have about validation because they don't seem to be (??) the main issue in our relationship and are a sort of an offshoot...
It's more to understand the role of validation and how to do it, rather than something that is particularly connected to my sitch. I am going to put in particular snippets of conversation that I have problems with, but they are more of a template to be used in similar situations.
We were talking about feeling accomplished at work. My H's current job doesn't make him feel accomplished because he feels it's not anything important. Then he said that he doesn't think that his dream career he wants to pursue will make him fulfilled because it's not something important to most and that only few best people actually make a difference.
So I want to validate his feelings, but at the same time I want to reassure him... I want to tell him that it's not true that only the best people make a difference and that what matters is that what he would be doing will be important to him. But that doesn't validate his feelings? If I agree with him though, it just makes things worse.
Please I'm lost!
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Then he said that he doesn't think that his dream career he wants to pursue will make him fulfilled because it's not something important to most and that only few best people actually make a difference....
I want to tell him that it's not true that only the best people make a difference and that what matters is that what he would be doing will be important to him.
Hi ris, I think if my H told me that, rather than disagreeing with him (even though your viewpoint sounds more accurate...) I think I would say something like...'H, tell me more about that. Why do you think your dream career isn't important to most?' It sounds like he's feeling fairly low in self-esteem about this issue; yes reassurance can help, but what he needs most is someone helping him to come to those positive conclusions himself, not offering them for him.
You being there with supportive 'tell me more about that', statements to help him get down to the root cause of why he's feeling the way he is, will enable him to counter those distorted thoughts and beliefs he has.
Have you read any good books that deal with issues like this in communication? If you're interested I could suggest 'Hold me Tight' by Dr Sue Johnson; Also, 'Messages' by Matthew McKay, and the one I'm in the middle of right now is 'Just Listen' by Dr Mark Goulston. I think you'd find them all really helpful, and they all seem to have useful exercises to try.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Hi again ris, just wanted to add - I'm not sure if I'm describing this well; I guess the important thing is that when you're trying to validate, think more about acknowledging the way they're feeling (eg - I'm so sorry to hear you feel that way...), than trying to analyze what they're thinking. Plus, asking him those open ended questions will help keep him talking. Just the sheer act of him being able to talk while you're listening will help make him feel validated. The more I think about it, the more I'd recommend that 'Messages' book. It's very enlightening.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FMV, thank you so much! You're being very helpful I think I always try to do something to help and fix things (which often has the opposite effect) instead of just listening. If you have any other suggestions, they're welcome. I'll get that book, have a few lined up already, but it sounds like something that would help.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
FMV, thank you so much! You're being very helpful I think I always try to do something to help and fix things (which often has the opposite effect) instead of just listening.
No worries ris, I'm still making my own fair share of mistakes in my M but I'm happy to share whatever I can to help. My question to you (re: above), is - where do you think your tendency to respond that way comes from? Sometimes, though not always, understanding our motivation for different patterns of communication can help us break away from them if they're negative.
For example, sometimes when I do it, I wonder if it's because I'm trying to take ownership of problems that aren't mine. I feel like I have to fix it for them, or are obligated to do so, although I'm never sure why. Maybe sometimes I feel like I'm to blame for the problem in the first place; I had my fair share of that growing up, so it wouldn't be surprising I'd continue that pattern of reacting to a conflict. My IC has asked me in the past - 'who are you trying to protect here?' to other issues. I wonder if the same question could apply to this kind of challenge.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
For some reason I feel very disturbed if someone (my H mostly) is upset. I feel compelled to do anything to make him happy and I find it hard to accept that sometimes he might just be in a bad mood and there's nothing that I can do about it (I am getting better at that though). I'm a perfectionist and I think it's to blame, I just wish everything could be butterflies and rainbows. Not very realistic, I know. I'm also a terrible optimist, which sometimes drives my H nuts. He does have problems with low self esteem so that's where it often clashes I think.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
It's basically getting across that THEIR thoughts and feelings...how THEY look at it matters to you.
It's never...I'm sorry you feel that way. That is actually negating them. This is not exactly what fmv said...the way she said it is more supportive, but could be misheard by your H depending on how your relationship is going.
It doesn't have to be...."I understand"....
It's, like fmv said: "Tell me more....." "ok, and......"
Really listening
<I'm also a terrible optimist, which sometimes drives my H nuts.>
I have this problem too, and it has lead to my guy not believing what I say when I am encouraging sometimes. So just listening is really worth a try. See if the tries to 'get you' to encourage him. Hold it back. And when you do encourage him, be really specific, make sure it can ring true with him.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
How about "I'm sorry that >>this situation at work<< is making you so upset"? (replace >><< with the issue at hand).
In another thread I mentioned that the "I'm sorry you feel that way" just sounded kind of artificial to me. It's mostly conversations that we have over and over that this comes up in, so I think I'm not sure how to react when it's nth time that we're talking about the same thing.
On another note I think I need some advice on dealing with low esteem issues of my H, any recommended readings, topics, books? I think it goes beyond just validation. He just told me "no one but you would notice if I was gone. I can't look at myself in the mirror and I haven't been able for years". I think I can validate this until cows come home and it still won't make him feel better.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
but could be misheard by your H depending on how your relationship is going.
Sorry I mis-spoke ris, hope it didn't confuse things for you. thanks for clearing that up sgctxok.
I am a little confused now :P In another thread I was told to say the "I'm sorry you feel that way" as well, so...? Is it the expression that could be misheard or the whole attitude?
Thank you for taking the time to talk me through this
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
I think I always try to do something to help and fix things (which often has the opposite effect) instead of just listening. If you have any other suggestions, they're welcome. I'll get that book, have a few lined up already, but it sounds like something that would help.