Depends on whether or not this agreement is something YOU need at this point (to stem financial bleeding, for instance), or is it just a lesser-step in something that SHE claims to want (divorce).
What do YOU want/need at this point, Khudoo?
Puppy
I dont really need it and if i pushed it I would only be doing it to show her i want to get on with things
What i want is my W back but that is something I realize may never happen and so i am prepared to get on with my life without her.
i know we are going to sell the house and separate. things are not too bad at home right now so I am undecided whether pushing her out the door is the right thing to do. i have made it quite clear that I am ok with separation on any timeline and maybe that is enough.
I bumped into one of her friends ( that i absolutely trust and has been very supportive in us staying together ) last night and she opened up a discussion on our sitch. She just said even though W is going full steam ahead she doesn't really know what she is doing and is a mess right now. She certainly hides that well with me. She also said she initially thought there was an OM involved as that would have explained things but doesn't anymore.
The only thing i have noticed is that she seems to go right to the edge of making some non reversible decision and then goes quiet and doesn't follow through.
Personally I think the only chance we have of reconnecting is if we vacation later in the year as that will give us some alone time in a non stressful environment. Till then I just need to try and get her out of my mind as much as possible and consider her GONE to me
it is only the manner of her leaving and her memories of it that i can control.
Umm.. no you can't. She could leave while you are sleeping one night rather unexpectedly, and she will remember what conforms to her personal confirmation bias. The latter is true of us all.
The only thing YOU can control is how YOU choose to act.
If you act with dignity, honor, strength, and you are not vindictive, you will not have to live with regret or guilt from having acted poorly.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/19/1001:58 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
What is stopping you? You can do that right now. Start making plans for a better life for yourself, start enjoying your freedom to do any old dang (reasonable) thing you want.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
It's a tough call, Khudoo, and one of the few tactics I don't really have a strong opinion on one way or another. If you decide to "stand for your marriage," and delay the filing of the separation agreement, then it could be seen as "hanging on," and not fit with the whole "Letting them go" thing that I do believe works very well. On the other hand, if you push for it, it goes against what's widely considered a DB staple, and that is the whole "If this is what you want, fine, I won't stop you, but I'm not going to help you move it (D) along, either."
Wrap into all of that the fact that filing for divorce is THE ultimate "jolt" that you can use to possibly jar the wayward out of their fog, and move back toward the marriage. It puts them in crisis.
It's a really, really tough call, Khudoo, and only you can make it.
What is stopping you? You can do that right now. Start making plans for a better life for yourself, start enjoying your freedom to do any old dang (reasonable) thing you want.
Not sure if you read further up my thread but i have and have always had a very good and active life. My W was a part of all the activities but has since dropped out. I have continued on and very much enjoy my life aside from this aspect. I am not the hanging around moping type and never was and in fact my W has made several sarcastic comments that this does not seem to be affecting my life too much.
When i referred to the memories of her leaving i did not mean it literally i just meant that she can either remember me trying to hang off her leg pleading for her not to go or I can and will be strong and just tell her i truly hope that she finds what she is looking for down the road.
What i am really looking for advice on is whether i should help her out the door or else just agree with her that we should separate and let her do it in her own time.
It's a tough call, Khudoo, and one of the few tactics I don't really have a strong opinion on one way or another. If you decide to "stand for your marriage," and delay the filing of the separation agreement, then it could be seen as "hanging on," and not fit with the whole "Letting them go" thing that I do believe works very well. On the other hand, if you push for it, it goes against what's widely considered a DB staple, and that is the whole "If this is what you want, fine, I won't stop you, but I'm not going to help you move it (D) along, either."
Wrap into all of that the fact that filing for divorce is THE ultimate "jolt" that you can use to possibly jar the wayward out of their fog, and move back toward the marriage. It puts them in crisis.
It's a really, really tough call, Khudoo, and only you can make it.
Puppy
Hi Puppy, Thanks for the response. It is a tough one. i guess I will just sleep on it for a bit. She knows I am fine with the separation so maybe that's enough for now so long as the home life stays semi comfortable.
Quick question regarding one step in Sandi2's LRT list and it was also listed in the MWD forum version
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
My issue is my WAW will NEVER start the conversation and then it just seems like we are both sitting there not talking to each other. As i don't want it to look like this I will just make an excuse and leave the room but then it seems like I am avoiding her. If i open a conversation she will talk back.
I can see her making a huge effort not to be friendly or talk but she is quite good at it. She was always a very outwardly happy person and smiling but not anymore
So she is miserable, won't talk, and in a crappy mood all of the time, and you are asking if you should reward this behavior?
Nope. You don't have to be a jerk about it though. Go do something you enjoy doing.
yeah ......that makes sense. And your description is spot on. A friend recently asked me did she catch me cheating on her as that was the only thing he could think of to make someone so angry and bitter
My wife buries herself into Solitaire on her iPad, with the TV on in the background. I feel compelled as well to engage her in talk, but I'd rather read a good book than reward her passive aggressive behaviour.
