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Funny you mention that. I didn't sleep at all. Didn't have the sitch on my mind - just wasn't tired. I tried to fall asleep but my body and mind just didn't cooperate. So I rolled with it and watched a movie and did some other things.


For YOU silly.

If you try paddling up river you're only resisting what already IS. Now that's insanity.

How do you want to navigate this river you are on? You can bash into the rocks, moan and complain you don't like the river, try to paddle upstream (definitely not recommended), or you can move around and see the things you want to see, stay away from the rocks, make the best of what you have. And why not?

The river represents all the things you can't control. It's the flow of life.


Nope. It was meant as a compliment. You are further along in two months than I was in a year.


You won't be doing 'this' for another year plus. In a year plus you'll be doing something totally different. Unless you don't change at all - which I highly doubt. I didn't do 'this' any longer than I needed to, because my position relative to 'this' changed. My sitch is mostly the same, but I am very different. You will be too.


Nobody know this. Not even you. I'm not sure we can ever be 'done'.


You'll have to define fruitless paddling. My definition reads like this - going down cheeseless tunnels over and over; sitting in a pity pot and feeling sorry for yourself; doing nothing to improve yourself and your life; pining away for someone who isn't interested in being with you right now; mental masturbation; running what-if scenarios over and over; staring at the past for any other reason than identifying what you need to work on; renting space in your head to other people; projecting into the future; ignoring the present... I think you get the picture.


I think worse is relative. I didn't have infidelity. At least none that I knew of.


Not sure what you mean by the 'exceptions'. I don't think of myself as tougher than anyone else here. I think we are resilient and keep moving forward in spite of.


If you had asked me when this started if I could endure it I probably would have said no. There are some who have been at this for many years.

There are some who have busted their D only to find themselves here years later. Could I endure that? I don't want to find out...lol.


Sometimes I like feeling so tired because the ego drops low and so does our resistance. I find peace there. When I have no energy to think or do I find myself at peace.

Surrendering is to move over to the winning side. (It's completely different than fatalism)

Wow, for a guy on no sleep you can still "poke me in the eye" without even grazing my nose.



Thank you. Feeling the same this morning. Too tired to fight. Strangely calm. Is it common or required (like a stage) to grow through fatalism first? Just curious.



Nice reframe. I understand the paddling now. I think the bold above is DETACHMENT. I've been spending too much energy fighting the current. Trying to get back to that "campsite" we just passed. But I should be looking downriver for another spot. And all my attention has been focused "inside' the boat. Need to look at the scenery a bit while still keeping my eyes out for hazards and havens. (Oooh, how poetic and flowery. I feel like having an Arbor Mist...at 6:30 am?)

And that will get me to the below VVVVVVV


And THIS (VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV), my friend, is the best perspective changing reframe I have seen in a long time.


Fruitless paddling, indeed.

Thanks, Steady.
Really needed that.
Fact is I just sent your definition to my Berry so I have it handy in the future. Ready2Change should be putting that on "DB Quotes III"

And now that the paddling is redefined, and it's not simply flailing and splashing, I can see how it is possible to continue on for a while longer. Quite a while longer.

How in God's name am I going to get Cdn beer to New York?

Attaboy. Love the list, too!!

Puppy

Thanks, Puppy.

I just had to act instead of think/talk.

Wonka put that idea of the list in play.

That helped.

Actions, right?

Great stuff, Wonka.


Puppy

I agree. When you have a plan to get cracking on you worry and think less about your emotional state because your mind has stuff to do!

Gotta keep my body moving or the brain takes over and thinks me to a standstill.

Plus the sense of accomplishment helps the confidence.

Small update. Felt better the longer the day went.
Finished packing her clothes/toiletries into the garage.
Also put all the pictures I won't want there, too. (wedding, vacations, 'couple pics', etc)
Organized my closet.

then I decided to check if the 200 bucks she paid a personal CC was back in the account. She said she would do it.
I texted "the 200 you said yesterday was an accident is not back in there. We are now over drawn"

She sends (verbatim) "I'm trying. Called them to reverse it and they are emailing me a PIN. I'm SORRY!"

M: I preumed you would just take 200 from the 460 you withdrew and get the CC money later. I didn't realize the 460 was already gone.

So, things are pretty tight. The affair is under some financial pressure. I know OM is going to school in a week for the next 16. Only gets Gov't training not his work income. he also has a bout 20K debt from his recent separation. We know W is strugling and I'm sure OM's Bro and SIL and getting tired of footing the bill and doubling occupancy in their tiny place.

I hear cracking. And I also see an apology in the text. I'm feeling some respect in my direction.

Not cocky. Just saying.

Tomorrow is calling bank and mediator. Get some stuff arranged.
Meeting a friend from my car sales days to get some options for W regarding downgrading her vehicle to save her some dough (me, too as I'll not have 1/2 her pymnt anymore) Win win!
Shampoo the carpet in the evening. Place will gleam.

Should be able to sleep better tonight.

Feels good having some direction and being active.

I'm trying to be less terse in my texts but not soft. Civil is a word Coach likes to use.

interesting thought. regardless of whether she comes back and/or I take her back, both her truck and this house need to go.

When she said that the marriage started to go downhill in Aug/September 07 (mid-pregnancy in her mind) I realized that also coincided with the finacial pressure of this house. And it hasn't let up since given the economy; her mat leave income; and her spending habits.

Hmmmm.

Hi CD,

Glad to hear you're feeling better man. I feel like I don't want to fall asleep tonight again. I crashed after work for about 3 hours. Don't know what's going on. Not the sitch in my head, just no desire to actually sleep at night...lol.

The apology is a crack in respect. You earned it. I noticed my W doing it once I started to really enforce the boundaries I set up. If anything, I'll get the respect back. I know I've gotten my self respect back just by drawing the boundaries and then sticking to them.

Not any crazy big boundaries, just decisions I made on how I want to be treated, what I will and won't tolerate, even boundaries across myself. Freedom is a beautiful thing.

Hasta mañana.

I'm thinking a nice set of drums in the middle of the living room, and one of those velvet wall hangings of dogs playing cards, CD.

Seriously -- put your own, male, touch on the house. It's a very powerful DB technique that works when done by male BSs toward wayward wives.

Puppy