First thing you need to do is get a signature so people can better understand your situation. We don't know how many kids you have, what ages they are, their living arrangements, yours etc...
If your H is being passive aggressive and cheating on you in my opinion you need to get YOU and your kids AWAY from him until he stops his destructive behaviour. This is pretty standard for anyone drinking, gambling, doing drugs...
You said lease so that tells me you don't own a home with him... So there's no legal ramification to you moving to a friend's place.
We don't know your employment situation, who works, who doens't, day care, income levels or anything either... so its again hard to help there.
But if your H wants you to live there while he overtly cheats on you and just blithely denies it then you and your kids need to get AWAY from him.
I am not saying your marriage is over, but moving takes planning and you need to start doing that.. I do NOT think you are going to end this quickly and safely while living there.
Your H wants you to remain there to keep exposure down. He doesn't want the bad press that comes with you moving out on him and taking the kids away... He KNOWS that's public and he KNOWS it makes him look bad.
If your H wants it quiet, then you make it as NOISY as POSSIBLE.
Why are you so obsessed with evidence?
You said you have a photo of his boss naked.. That's pretty condeming in my opinion... just get all the info you have to someplace SAFE... he will destroy it if he can.
Because there is nothing identifying it as her. He told me it was but hecan easily say it's not. He has already told everyone we are splitting but with the I've been miserable speech. Everything I have is safe for now.
We both work but he makes more than I do. I want to stay in this school system for the ixia, the problem is we are living in the cheapest complex I can find. Also, she is the property manager here and he works here. It's incredibly frustrating. I will get a signature.
Last edited by Ihavehope; 08/15/1006:11 PM.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
OK, well, my advice still stands... You are WAY TOO VULNERABLE right now.
What he's doing is abusive. You will start to get ILL if you stay there exposed to that.
Get you and your two kids out of there... He will have to provide you some means of financial support. You can contact a lawyer about that.
Just accuse him of the affair, you don't need evidence. You said people are already gossiping anyways. Forget the evidence... It's fruitless... He will deny anything you produce...
What's more important is you getting out of a vulnerable situation being exposed to abuse like this...
This is very early on... So you have your health and are stable right now, but if you live there much longer it will start to wear on you. You don't want that.
Put an exposure script together as a start.
Love Hurts has some good ones in her thread.. I updated them a bit, you can find them there...
Right now you are in such a vulnerable position you need to get out... I am hoping HR will act against this affair when you report it... But you can't report it in your current living conditions... you are too vulnerable.
Focus on planning living separately... Right now that's the most important thing.
So ignore until then? Or just do 180s and db? Part if our initial problems were because of my lack of attention.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
Until the affair is over 180's and all of that in my opinion won't make a difference... The less exposure you have to him the better..
Until the affair is over he's not going to acknowledge anything... Put your energy into yourself... Not him
You only have a short amount of time before his abuse starts to wear on you...
Insomia, exhaustion, migraines, panic attacks... If it hasn't started yet it will soon.. you do NOT want to be living there in those conditions... get AWAY from him... put 100% of your energy into that... not the marriage. In my opinion you can't save the marriage while living there.
Paying attention to him NOW just sends a clear message that you support an open marriage and that you support his lying and abusive attitude towards the marriage...
Distance and silence sends a powerful message and it the LEAST TAXING on YOUR NERVES right now...
Stay away from him.
Is there NO FRIEND or famly member supportive of your situation who you can live with?
Someone must need money and would welcome you in their home for a few months...
Once you STOP pursuing him and arguing he WILL try to BAIT you into a fight.. He likley feels guilty at some level and picking fights with you helps him justify leaving...
He will think : "We can't get along see? I tried... And we just fight.. so my affair is the best course of action"
You want to AVOID him to reduce the amount of fighting that happens.
Don't say anything to him that isn't scripted out.. Don't tell him what your plans are or anything... Just stay away from him.. IF he starts to harass you get out of the home and go to a bookstore or soemthing quiet...
You can read other threads on the infidelity forum if you like but you will find there are people here who tried the gentler approach and the affair has gone on for more than three years... Do you want that?
You are too vulnerable there, that's obvious.. so take the two kids and exit the household... Get to a safer place.
I could but it would be tight and none of them live in the school district. I will be looking for places this week. Luckily I fly out and back Wednesday and he is gone almost all week anyway so I won't see him much at all. I will be able to focus on the kids coming home and avoid him that way. I have had issues about this all summer so most of the physical aspects have come and gone though some still linger.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
If your H still lives in the kids' school district, they can still go there. Can you move just outside of it and drive them to school?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
OK, if the phyisical issues have started you need to get out...
I am not saying end the marriage... But you can't deal with any of this living in the same home with someone who is abusing you like that... If YOU are ILL from his ACTIONS then he's abusing you... The atmosphere isn't healthy for children either...
Get to a safe place then you can run exposure at his workplace and to family and such... Right now you need to get to a safe place... deal with the marriage once you aren't subject to abuse directly on a daily basis
