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I hear you lound and clear! I used to be asked all the time why I wasn't a stand up comedian (seriously) but the past couple of years, I became withdrawn and sour.

The past couple of weeks I am becoming more like the old me (I missed him!) and it was one of the things that drew her to me way back when too.

Remind me one of these days and I'll tell you about the first time I saw her and why she went to get the manager to ask me to leave the store... HA!

How about Friday?
Might need a feel-good story.

Thanks.

You got it!

Just a song chorus I've had stuck in my head for a while.
==============================================================

I lost my hope along the way...
I lost my hope along the way...
It turns to silence
A silence sometimes I can hear!
Internal violence
A struggle deep inside
"What if..."
What if I leave, could I still breathe?
What if I breathe, could I still BE?
And if I leave, would I be ME?

"What if"
What if"
What if...?"
===============================================================

And the answer is a RESOUNDING YES!!!

Just call me Mr. Doormat…

Sorry I haven’t been around in a while. Life just keeps on giving! Not going to bore anyone with the details, just suffice it to say that I am no closer to resolution to the financial crisis and other things around the house keep breaking.

Anyway, since my last post, I have gone as DIM as I can, considering the kids and joint financial issues. I don’t know if it is working or not, and honestly, at this point, not sure I care.

Anyway, tonight I came home and she was here. After I had been home a while doing laundry, messing with the S13, I noticed she obviously had something on her mind, but didn’t bring it up.

After a while she came into the laundry room and asked if we could talk. I said sure and waited. She said the friend she has been staying with is having her house foreclosed and is looking for a 2 bedroom apartment in another town (her and her daughter) and my W has nowhere to go and can she move into my basement.

Honestly, for a few seconds, I really considered telling her no. But she IS the mother of my children and I don’t want her out on the street or shacking up with someone untrustworthy. So I said yes with some stipulations. I told her she can stay here if she promises me that she will in no way contact the OM. She started crying and looked like it pained her to say it, but she finally agreed.

Now, I know there is no way I will be able to keep tabs on her cell usage so won’t know for sure if she is still contacting him from here or not, and I honestly feel like I made a huge tactical error, but what could I do?

I know, I’m probably going to hear that I should have told her no so she could continue her spiral down to “rock bottom”, but…

She said she is looking and hopes she will e able to find somewhere else before eviction since she doesn’t feel welcome here from the kids and me…blah, blah, blah. I told her that she should understand my stance and she has to work on her relationship with the kids if she wants to feel welcomed by them.

I am definitely going to place one other stipulation on this in that if she and D18 start fighting again, it is “out you go” and setting a deadline for her stay (if she doesn’t “come around”) of 3 months.

Did I just screw up?

Honestly, I am mostly afraid that I will catch her contacting the OM from here and I will lose it and it won’t be as amicable as it is now.

Hey Navajo-
I'm not one of the experts by any means but I certainly don't see a screw up. The only things that concern me are:
-How firmly did you set the boundary regarding OM?
-Is it CLEAR what the conditions of her living there are?
-HOW MUCH GAL'ing have you done/
-Have you changed to who YOU need/want to be?
-Have you required Transparency regarding OM contact?
-Does she have a time limit to find a place?

All I can tell you is that by your tone, your confidence still needs a little bolstering.

If you see this as a positive and that you CAN handle it (and you have set all the boundaries for yourself), your confidence that you have the upper hand should ease your mind and enhance your confidenec.

Are you prepared to go about your life FOR YOUR SAKE despite the fact she is there?

If so, I don't see this as a bad thing.

If YOU have changed and walk the walk around there, she may find less reason to leave.

Wait for an expert or two to chime in.

And you still owe me that story about your wife having you removed from the store she worked.

I think that it's a mistake to let her back in unless she's wanting to reconcile. She'll just cake eat as long as you let her. If she's just looking for a place to stay, that's her problem, not yours.

It's awfully hard to get a WAS out, so letting them back in is like inviting Nosferatu...

OK, I can't figure out how to split a quote into seperate sections, so the below will be a bit confusing. SORRY!

Hey Navajo-
I'm not one of the experts by any means but I certainly don't see a screw up. The only things that concern me are:
-How firmly did you set the boundary regarding OM?

>>>> I was quite clear and firm. She didn’t take it very well and I got the whole “We’re just friends now” BS, but held firm and said NO contact in my house. No computer usage unless it is on MY computer with me watching. The only thing is, I washed my hands of the cell phone and the bill since it really has no bearing unless/until she wants to come back.<<<<

-Is it CLEAR what the conditions of her living there are?

>>>> Oh yeah. The only thing I didn’t cover yet (but will next time I see her) is that there will be a deadline for staying here then it’s time to go (thinking 3 months for this).<<<<

-HOW MUCH GAL'ing have you done/

>>>> Well, I think I have been doing pretty well. As well as I can with a long commute, single parent of 2 kids, financial ruins, house falling apart around me…HA! I have always done lots of things with the kids and have continued to do so, went out with friends a couple of times, gotten closer with my family (even my sister who I haven’t really gotten along with since childhood), still exercising and losing some weight, etc.<<<<

-Have you changed to who YOU need/want to be?

>>>> Yes, I have been working on it. It is an ongoing process and have realized I was backsliding to my Loner ways and immediately corrected. I still need to be a smaller me, but working on that one.<<<<

-Have you required Transparency regarding OM contact?

>>>> I really don’t have any idea how to do this. She still talks to, emails, texts him all the time and admits it, so I don’t really know how to make sure she is not talking to him while here. Any suggestions?<<<<

-Does she have a time limit to find a place?

>>>> I am thinking 3 months. Any input?<<<<

All I can tell you is that by your tone, your confidence still needs a little bolstering.

>>>> Honestly, my confidence is soaring. I have really and truly dropped the rope and am just getting along with my life and my kids. The tone of the last post was more anger at myself for even agreeing to it and at her for even putting me in this situation knowing I am a “nice guy” and would agree.<<<<

If you see this as a positive and that you CAN handle it (and you have set all the boundaries for yourself), your confidence that you have the upper hand should ease your mind and enhance your confidenec.

>>>> I am honestly not sure it IS a positive, but also know there is NO WAY I could live with myself if I refused to let her stay and she wound up on the street or living with some unsavory person and risk exposing my kids to them. It would be a positive if she were even to hint that she wanted to come back to work things out, but she insists and made it very clear that she is not interested in that since she “can’t forgive me for being cold” and doesn’t think I can ever forgive her… I told her that last one is for ME to decide and not her.<<<<

Are you prepared to go about your life FOR YOUR SAKE despite the fact she is there?

>>>> YES! But honestly, if she is here and just sits in the basement, it’s going to be very awkward for the kids…<<<<

If so, I don't see this as a bad thing.

That's kind of my worry! I see it as her cake eating to a point, but as said above, I still have to be able to live with myself and face the kids about how I handle their Mom.

Nosferatu? I LOVE IT!!!

Transparency requires that she has no passwords on nanything and you are free to "have a look" at your request. If they are just friends, "have a look to confirm" Trust but verify.
Your house; your rules.
Your boundary.



Simply awesome, my friend!! I find it ebbs and surges a little but considering I opnly confirmed the affair 5 weeks ago, I feel great.
Go buy No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold onto Your N.U.T.'s.
Very good books, IMO.



Stick to your personal values on this. You value your kids first; if this requires some uncomfortableness to house you W, so be it. Priorities.
You could consider changing the custody. "Until you find your own quarters, I will keep the kids her" Just a thought if she doesn't abide by the boundary.



Great response to the "telling you how you feel". As far as the "being cold", I can't recall all the details of your sitch so could you refresh me on that? Did you pursue her feelings on this issue any further? e.g. "In what way did you feel I was cold?"

PS If you were cold, she wouldn't be in your house......