I have an excellent MC. I'll make an appointment tomorrow after my colonoscopy (yay!).
I'm keeping expectations low. I know that she could be just be scared of losing her soft cushion. But I really don't think so. I know mind reading is bad, but when she was speaking about being scared of things returning to our old R, I could tell she was being honest and speaking from the heart.
And she really understood that I had accepted my part in the past, and that I wasn't the same guy anymore. I know that WAS often backslide, and their confusion makes them do things they regret later, but I hope that's not the case.
Last night, she said that she's so confused, and that days like Sat (when we spent a lot of time together) make her want to stay with me. And today was pretty much the same type of day. One day at a time.
I had expected her to pullback this morning; was all prepared to act "as if." But she didn't. She acted as if she wanted to be with me. With my daughters. As a family.
Last night when we were hugging, there was no holding back. It was the first time in probably 6 years when we held each other like that. Neither of us are used to that, and there was no hesitation on her (or my) part.
Now, that's forward progress PH. She came to you and said she wants to work on this, but can't promise anything. That's good.
Now, you need to remain "as if" you don't know what you want. If she sees you pounce on this opportunity to work on things, you're again just pursuing and needy.
And you need to find a PRO MARRIAGE counselor. I know you had a church person or something, but you need to research this. I would suggest http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/ call and interview them. Ask them if they are solution based. Stuff that MWD recommends.
Not sure it is progress, but despite the appearance of my trying a 'flavor of the day' approach, this is the only thing that has worked. Perhaps it's the combination of me telling her the night before how I felt, the two months she's had to see the changes in me, as well as the "time to move onto the couch and then out of the house" speech that brought such a change.
My real indicator will be if she follows through with MC, and if she brings up stuff about moving out. Sadly, I'm expecting both things to happen; if so, I've accepted that in advance.
Then it sounds like the strategy of showing your feelings in a transparent manner worked. Being honest, but not combative. Just being transparent.
Again, seperated at birth. I started being emotionally transparent 2 days ago. Instead of saying things like, "I don't know." or "nothing" or "fine". I say things like, "I don't approve of that." or "I don't like that."
Maybe that is NUTS.
Last edited by john28; 08/15/1007:13 PM.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
It's like I don't care if she rejects me, or something I say. No Fear. I'm expecting and putting down boundaries that she's respecting.
For example, (and yes, this is silly) when I'm driving with her and stopped at a light, she has this really annoying tendency of telling me that the light has turned green. Drives me crazy, always has. So yesterday, she says it. And I calmly said, "Please don't tell me that, it's distracting, and makes me feel like you don't trust my driving."
Just like when I told her not to snap at me, she paused, then apologized. Why oh why couldn't I have learned to set simple boundaries and communicate 11 years ago?
It's like I don't care if she rejects me, or something I say. No Fear.
yes you do. this is just from the last 24 hours.
"My real indicator ..."
"I know mind reading is bad, but when ..." "I apologized for my actions in the past," "Don't know if I did the "Right Thing." "I get so angry when ..."
"I'm detached about her leaving." what does it mean to detach?
"I'm changing tactics. I've realized that doing a lot of the LRT is very counterproductive to my situation,"
Know yourself, pin, be honest with yourself, and begin to understand and control your emotions. also, anger is a negative energy. remember the dog whisperer, lead the pack with calm, confident positive energy.
I've never really given her a heartfelt apology for the years of neglect that led us to where we are today. That I had a sense of how hurt she was. I can't feel what she felt, as I've only been going through this for 2 months, where she put up with my neglect for 7 years. The effect of my apology was really amazing. I know all the walls she puts up, all the facades. This was no act, she was totally open and honest with accepting it.
I'm not afraid anymore. Anger is something we all are feeling, I just can't let it make me do things that I don't believe in. Anger and fear have crippled me for years, and I'm letting go of both. When I feel them, I try to channel them away. If she still decides to move out, not much will change in what I do. I will give her my full attention when she wants it, I will be open and honest with her when she asks, but I won't be expecting anything in return. Expectations do not equal wishes...
W called to apologize to D5 for scolding her for spilling a drink earlier in the day. She asked if I was going to bring her something to eat (at work) and I said sure. Took both Ds there, and W seemed very happy to see me, and was very talkative. D5 had a meltdown for a minute as we were leaving, then W made a point of thanking me for bringing dinner.
Pin - It seems like you are doing quite well. You seem to have "got it" early on in the process. You deserve an "atta boy" for your efforts regardless of the final outcome.
I don't know that I got it at all. I think that I have a chance despite numerous miss-steps. I could wake up tomorrow to find she's signing a lease on an apt.
The key to DB from what I've seen is to test different approaches, and stop doing what doesn't work. That's been my biggest success.
