WH just told me he is not coming to visit the baby or I before he leaves the country anymore because it's too painful. I was actually at the petrol station filling up when we spoke, and had to cut the conversation short so I didn't really have time to say anything in response. As usual, he was measured and even. But I know he's upset because he also told me yesterday he was distressed.
He feels guilty and he is too damn immature to manage it...
The mature thing to do is to STOP ABUSING people... instead he just does it more...
I am not surprised... If he feels guilty that's a pretty big RED LIGHT to STOP what you're freakin DOING.. but of course he chooses to ignore it and plow ahead
He is not talking about anything financial right now because he is out of work. One of the first things he is doing when he arrives in Europe is attending a job interview. He has stated from the start that he will provide full financial support once he is earning. For reasons I cannot go into here, we are no longer registered here as separated, therefore I cannot enforce anything through the Child Support Agency. So I am going to take his word for it. My father has also had a 'talk' with him. He is very clear that money is not going to be an issue. As for our assets, the only thing we really have left (since we have lost $20,000 since the separation because of a big mortgage and no money coming in) is our apartment. The law here says I will bet 65-70% of that. I asked him to give me and his baby 100% so we wouldn't be forced to sell up because the repayments are pretty big. He declined (he was the one that paid for most of it). This week tenants are moving in, and I have moved permenantly into my parents house.
You can't make a man-child into a mature adult... They have to walk that road you can't walk it for them.
Thank you for putting this into words and posting it here, Allen.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Actually, he is now coming by on wed morning on the proviso that he sees the baby alone to say goodbye. my offer. might have been a masochistic move, but there it is.
He doesn't want to see me before he leaves.
My last question Allen to you is do I send him an email or leave him a letter? I have done all the tough love stuff, it didn't work becuuse I am 99% his mind is MADE UP so if there's one thing left to do it's a Robx "You know, I've been doing some thinking and this isn't working for me, I'm moving on, we deserve better" thing. I'm taking tactical moves here. Perhaps the last one before all goes silent.
I think you should just show up when he visits the baby. Don't say anything, just be there... It will make it that much more uncomfortable for him.
This appears to be the problem Piano... When your H has to do anythign emotionally uncomfortable that requires strength that only adults have developed he runs like a deer...
Children are taught to share Children are taught to tell the truth Children are taught to finish their work Children are taught to apologize
etc
These are things people by instinct don't WANT to do when they are young and are pressed to do through good parenting.
For some reason your H when faced with the uncomfortable he wants to run away instead.
He needs some serious therapy...
You can write whatever you like, but I honestly think him having to look you in the eye is the toughest challenge for him... Particularly since he asked you not be there.
I am not at all surprised that he isn't offering financials, or that he's professing he will when he gets a job... Most runaway spouses do this... Promise you mountains and end up giving you sand.
Not being negative, there is another poster here (havne't heard from her in months) whos husband took off miles away and left her with three kids to support. He promised he was giong to run a new business venture and they would all be living on easy street...
For starters, he took his business partner (read affair partner) with him. He got an apartment for them, took her to dinners, shows, bought her clothes, and throws his abandoned spouse with three kids pennies. She has'nt gotten to a lawyer yet, which is what i had reccomended.
He visits periodically, subjects his wife to yelling, belittling in public and other abuse and then heads back south to his affair partner/business partner.
This isn't uncommon. Many spouses promise you a lot early on and when the money comes in later they find convenient excuses to short change you.
I seriously doubt you will see much money come in from him... I am not trying to bring you down, but you need to be prepared. You can't rely on him for funding. He's gonig to drop this whole thing on your shoulders and hide in another country for a few years until the reality of his affair gets too heavy for him and he will lilkey come back to you at that time. Assuming you don't put further pressure on him to return sooner.
I would be interested to hear what your F had to say to him.
If you were my daughter your H wouldn't be leaving the country alive.
Yes I have. Probably deserves a reread. Anyway, it's all over now. As I just posted in my thread in Newcomers, he's not coming over any more before he goes, says there is too much grief, that he will write to me from the other country about what went wrong with our couple cos face to face is too painful, and that nothing is my fault and that I am a wonderful mother.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
My father told him he'd done all the wrong things but that he trusted him to take care of us financially. I bet he gave him a hug and a handshake at the end. My father is an adulterer and a coward also.
