Hi ris, Yes, it is a little confusing isn't it. I get tangled up in knowing how to do it 'right', too. I think we all do, especially when emotions are high.
To me, I think the thing about validation that makes it tough to pin down, is that it requires the listener to be flexible; to be able to respond in different ways depending on what is being communicated, and the mood of the situation. I just try to keep it simple - even nodding your head and saying just 'uh-huh...tell me more' can work.
When you really look at it, validation is just about making the speaker feel heard; feel 'felt'; feel that their feelings have been acknowledged and accepted, even if they're not agreed with; well, just listened to. That's all. At least, that's my take. I know, though... it's easy to say. But just keep trying - if you keep it genuine and from your heart, he'll be able to tell, and feel it. And if you flub a word or two, just take a breathe, and try again. It will be ok.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
The hardest thing about validation is keeping your own opinions out of the convo. Just don't. Don't think about your own ideas, don't try to tell your side, just listen to your spouse. Try to really hear and feel what they are trying to convey to you.
What is "Messages" that is referred to ealier? the Validation Bible?
Hey CD Bear, Messages is a book about communication skills by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, & Patrick Fanning that I'd suggested to ris. My H's and my M troubles stem mostly from crappy communicating, so I've been doing a lot of reading on how to improve.
In addition to Messages, here's the others that deal with the same, that I've read/been reading if you're interested:
Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a lifetime of Love - by Dr Sue Johnson
Everyone Communicates, Few Connect - by John C. Maxwell
Saying What's Real - 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success by Susan Campbell
Couple Skills - Making Your Relationship Work by Matthew McKay, Kim Paleg, Patrick Fanning
Just Listen - Mark Goulston
They've all been excellent. Hope it helps. Take care, FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
We had communication issues as well. Talking and listening were both "defective"
Yah, that's a tough place to be. I feel for you. I used to think it was one of those things that is 'there' or isn't; like the ability to communicate well (or poorly) was a permanent, unchangeable part of one's personality. I figured asking him to communicate with me more, and in different ways, was asking him to 'be' someone he wasn't. So I had a lot of guilt over my unhappiness with it for many years. I had no clue it was simply a behavioral skill that can be learned, until I got into IC.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
