I'm changing tactics. I've realized that doing a lot of the LRT is very counterproductive to my situation, and actually damaging my chances with reconciliation. Instead of pushing my wife to leave quickly, I've done a 180.
I've lived my life in fear. Avoided confrontations. Been afraid to fully commit. Quick to run away.
I'm not going to let my fear drive my life anymore.
I've told her I'm fighting for her, and our marriage. I don't expect anything. I didn't when I first asked her out. Nor on the first date.
No expectations. Just hope.
This is how I've wanted to live my life, how I dreamed I would be. And I squandered 46 years.
She may still leave me to figure things out. She may not figure them out. She might decide not to leave. She might never come back.
I've told her I'm fighting for her, and our marriage. I don't expect anything. I didn't when I first asked her out. Nor on the first date.
How did she respond?
I don't know PH, I am worried that she will feel smothered. If what you were doing wasn't working you needed to change it up, but I don't know about this. Be prepared with a backup plan. It's always good to have a backup.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
She told me that she was scared that I would get hurt. That she didn't want me to hate her if things didn't work out. She's still planning on moving out.
Her self-esteem issues are so strong, she's scared to let herself feel anything anymore.
I can't change that. What I can change is myself. And that's showing her as much love and affection as I can, without smothering and pushing her away.
Do I expect this to work? I don't know. I know that distancing myself wasn't working. I'm still detaching. I'm still GAL. This is just a huge 180 for me. I'm so happy I'm confronting how scared and afraid I've been my whole life.
She may still leave me to figure things out. She may not figure them out. She might decide not to leave. She might never come back.
mays and mights are no way to live your life.
I don't want to start a disagreement about tactics. ultimately it is your decision how to live and how long to live like this, if you call her bluff from the other page you will have sooner certainty and a better outcome. Just a thought, call her bluff.
SM, I'm a professor at a university and I would have never thought of associating your 64 Nova example as a priceless memory. And if it was clear PH wouldn't have thought it was a riddle.
would it have been better if i told a story about the Dodge Dart?
none of this needs to be a riddle. its quite simple when you consider yourself.
She told me that she was scared that I would get hurt. That she didn't want me to hate her if things didn't work out. She's still planning on moving out.
To me, this sounds like she has not changed her mind. Listen to the pros here PH. Let them chime in. I think you should say something like 'I don't want to fight you on this anymore. It's not what I want and I'd like us to at least try to make this M work for our sake and the kids, and I don't know if we can get there but I'd like to try. But I don't want to hurt you anymore so I'll stop resisting."
That's what you SAY. What you do are your 180s, your GAL, etc. SHould you help her move out? I suspect the pros will say yes but I leave that one to them. You are being TOO NICE! I know, that shouldn't be a bad thing, but she doesn't respect you right now PH and she has half her body out the door.
The only way you can find out if there is hope is to stop fighting what she "thinks" she wants/needs right now. Let her have it and DB your a$$ off.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Yeah, maybe I wasn't clear on things. Here goes another attempt.
She's still firm about leaving. Needs to figure out if she wants to be Mrs. Pinhead, and have the Pinhead family. No doubt that as of today, she's going. I hope she'll reconsider before she goes, but I don't expect it at all.
For me, I'm not going to pursue, cling, bake her cake, etc. I'm just going to GAL, do this big 180 where I'm open and honest with her, listening, really listening to her for the first time. Trying to understand it from her perspective, not so I get an edge on her, but so that I can appreciate what she feels.
While she's planning on leaving, she's going to see the most attractive guy, confident that things will be just fine; whether we reconcile or not. But I've been a moody, pouty guy for 2 months, trying to act "as if."
Can't do that. It's not me, and it's not effective. She knows me well, and knows that it's just me acting out. Being afraid. Clinging, controlling.
I really have had a huge epiphany in the last week. I love my wife. I want to be with her. I'm not afraid anymore of losing her, because I already have. I'm letting go completely, yet holding onto my hope.
Those are my feelings; my actions are showing my confidence, my calmness, my strength.
I've already lost her, so that fear is gone. Can I find her again? That's where hope will be my ally.
I'm not afraid anymore of losing her, because I already have.
I don't buy this. You will continue to have thoughts and fears. Her leaving will only be the beginning. An djust b/c she's leaving doesn't mean you lost her. Trust me.
that's why in is important to focus on yourself and the kids too.
Hang in there.
Once my W left it was still a
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
For me, I'm not going to pursue, cling, bake her cake, etc. I'm just going to GAL, do this big 180 where I'm open and honest with her, listening, really listening to her for the first time. Trying to understand it from her perspective, not so I get an edge on her, but so that I can appreciate what she feels.
Quote:
I've told her I'm fighting for her, and our marriage. I don't expect anything. I didn't when I first asked her out. Nor on the first date.
Fighting for her and the marriage is NOT "really really listening to her. It is IGNORING her and what she wants. She doesn't want you to fight for her. She is telling you that she wants you to let her go and stop trying to win her one day by chasing, win her the next day by not chasing, win her the next day by chasing again, win her the following day by some new tactic, win her the next day by saying you are not going to be afraid, win her the next day by kicking her out....
No wonder she wants out. You seem to be a tactic a day type of guy...
None of this is going to work. I can tell you that NOW. Women don't respect men who hang on and tell them they are going to "fight" for them when they are giving you the "I am dumping you " message..
You are NOT listening to her. You are just being selfish. She says she wants out. Your best chance is to GIVE her that AND more.
You're right. This was a mistake. My IC convinced me that keeping her from leaving was the most important thing, that leaving no words unsaid was the best path. I should have stuck to my guns and just been patient. I was wrong.
How do I "GIVE her that AND more."???
I'm not holding her back. Not fighting her leaving at all.
I just don't know how to turn off how I feel for her, even when it's obviously so counterproductive. Or to hide it well. She sees through almost anything I do, and at least admitting to myself seemed like the right thing to do. But that was my heart speaking, and I should have told it to STFU.
So now I've made things worse, at least for a day, if not longer.
I'm not going to try and convince her to stay. I'm not going to shelter her from the realities she (and our kids) will face. Not my job any longer.
Facing my fear obviously doesn't mean that I've learned anything about DBing...
