Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Pie's Story - he's comfortable again

This morning, he was in his 'business' frame of mind. Since becoming so successful and getting this big IT business off the ground so succesfullly, I'd say that THATS the new 'alter ego' he has that is so different from the man I remember. He's very business like, stressed tone to his voice, its hard to explain really, but on some days I can just see he is in business mode.

Like this morning, all he wanted to talk about was my BFF new business idea, and how he felt she was gonna flop it for not taking his advice (start big not small), she wants to start small, and now he's saying just wait and see, shes gonna fall flat on her face So negative He's always seen the negative in people, but its become worse over the last 2 years, never has anything positive to say, well i wont say never, but hardly ever.

It makes me sad, because I always see the best in poeple, and he always LOOKS for the worst. I think its a self esteem issue? Any ideas?

Anyway, he slouched into the chair when he came, didnt talk to S, just to me, and went on and on about how shes gonna fail

Anyway, not a nice start to the day

Where has my wonderful man gone? will he ever comes back? Just seems so negative!!!

Have the most horrendous headache, even painkillers arent taking it away!! Its the whole going off the pill thing - to be expected - headaches for a couple of weeks!! eeeek!!

Something thats just crossed my mind reading through other sitches.

H is a very very ambitious man, always has been. I'd say in his life his top priority now ,is to be successful and earn enough money so that he can retire early and enjoy lifes adventures with his riches.

While he has always tried to be the best he can be at his job, I never realised that in the back of his head that this ambition was becoming so intense over the years.

It started to become apparent about 4 years ago (just before we had S).

I'm just a bit worried, because it seems the more ambitious the H, the more likely he is to suffer MLC at points in his life.

So, even if he manages to get through this period, and he returns to his old self, he can still suffer from it again 10-20 years from now!!

I'm not sure I can do this twice In fact I'm sure i don't want to do this twice

So now I'm feeling a bit odd Never felt like this before, thinking about wether getting back together is a good idea

Oh dear....going downhill here....thoughts anyone...feel like someone just pulled the rug out from under me!!!

Hate to be a downer but this is my 2nd go round, and it's rougher than the first. I'm at the point of throwing up my hands and saying "Jesus take the wheel"

Argh Sorry punkin You see? thats now what I'm nervous about Grrrrr....why doesnt life go EXACTLY HOW YOU PLAN IT!!!!!

Pie

Welcome to the MLC board. As my bro Grit said this board is more about YOU than about your H. I hope we can be of some help to you.


This ^^^^ IMO is detachment. As Punkin mentioned you need to detach from your H. Detach from his issues. Now is the time for you to really think about you. Along those lines I have a few questions for you.

1) Do you work?
2) What goal do you have for YOU and your kids that DO NOT involve your H?
3) What are you doing to keep your sanity i.e. GALing?
4) Is OP involved?
5) What DO YOU want in your life?

God Bless,
Eric

Pie

Read through your threads. #1 board mechanics. Try to stick to one thread until this one gets to 10 pages. Then continue to link them the way you have been doing so far. You could put one last post on your thread in newcomers linking to here.
Down the road it makes finding all these threads much easier. When someone like me is trying to read through them or go backwards to look something up.

Did you ever get the DR book and read it?

You read though all the links from your first trip here to MLC. Did you have any questions?
I am hoping you read all the links and the links contained with in them, and read the whole thread not just the highlights. The more knowledge that you have the better.

There is also a reccomended reading thread in the resources. I am trying to work my way through every book on that page.
Even if you read one or two it will help a lot.

Keep posting and we will try to not let your thread be a stagnant as it was in newcomers.

Hi Eric Thanks for posting As far as detachment, I've detached from him in a sense that I dont get overreact emotionally in my head anymore to the things that he's doing without me, I've 'let him go' or 'dropped the rope', and have lowered my expectations to nothing, I'm observing mostly, and getting excited or dissapointed at little steps(although not disabilitatingly so, just disheartened a bit), but my emotions are sooo nicely under control that I feel quite proud of myself for that!! Pat self on back, pat pat pat


1) Do you work? - yes! I am a graphic designer, I work from home full time, its my favourite thing in the world, and I'm so glad i do it day to day! I make good money- not a fortune, but more than average,and enough for me, so am happy there!

2) What goal do you have for YOU and your kids that DO NOT involve your H? - I have lots of goals for me personally, saving up for a telescope has been a lifelong dream, getting better at squash which I've always loved but stopped when S was born, taking astrology course,seeing my family in another town more often with S- travel the world -also requires saving. Alot requires money, so I'm saving up as I go thumbs up for goals

3) What are you doing to keep your sanity i.e. GALing? - I visit my best friend everyday with my S, we meet old friends during the week for lunch, and go out every so often, I'm playing squash, and getting fit at gym with my gym lady friend who has kids too, I've reconnected with an old school friend and we have play dates...so thumbs up for GAling...BUT, I've never been a social butterfly, so I'm not going wild, just increasing my social outgoings to a level that I would have been comfortable with before I was married/ in a relationship

4) Is OP involved? - I really dont know, theres no way I'd know unless I hired an investigator, but I'm not that type, if he is seing someone else I'll find out eventually anyway. I try not to be naive about it, but just dont know, his secretary is very fliratious and young and sexy, and there have been red flags, so maybe her, but no proof as of yet.

5) What DO YOU want in your life? I'm a family/close relationship type of person, if I have my creative work, my hobbies and my family, I'm ok, but I would like a companion through life to share it with. I know now that I dont NEED one, just would reaaaly like one, and will wait and am prepared to wait for it, cause i know it'll happen again in time. Family & friendship is very important to me.

Hi Lance! Thanks for your post! I have read through the book, but it was a while ago, so I dont remember everything, its the type of book you have at hand, it was a friends book, and shes since left...I'm waiting for me and H to get to the place where I have a sep bank account so I can purchase it online, one of the issue we have - or rather he has is money and he's very sensitive about seperate bank accounts (his parent had issues - his dad made all the cash, and the mom controlled it) - he wants to control money movings, so I'm not touching on that sensitive topic lest there be an almighty storm, and hes a scorpio, he literrally turns red and his eyes bulge, not that hed EVER hurt a fly, but still, I dont like pushing buttons right now, and THATs the big red one that says 'do not push'

I've read just about every single word on MLC on the entire internet - or at least it feels like it I'm a walking encyclopedia He hasnt got the worst case of MLC out there, but there are elements that point to MLC that I cant ignore, so its in that category for now.

thank you so much for your two cents I feel better just writing things out on this board, so the advice is like a cherry on top And very much needed!!!

OK for the latest : last night H came to bath S, he was in a very shut off mood again, didnt really open up to any conversation, but wasnt being angry, just closed. If I said how r u doing? he said fine, at that point I knew its gonna be one of those evenings, so just let him be and went about my own things merrily. He saw this and then decided ok he'll go play with S, and they had a bit of a romp together.

Put S to bed, and hot footed out the door, he saw I was making curry, and I dont think he wanted to stay incase I offered him some!! yikes! anyway, it wasnt really good, I always feel slightly deflated after eves like that, just because even if it were someone else, a friend, id feel the same way after such an uninteractive evening.

This morning, totally different mood, came bounding in, as he came in I asked him to please get something out the boot of my car, he said sure! and said open the boot with the key (its a super fancy car, got all the fancy things in it - half of which I dont know how to use, if it were up to me Id be driving a small skidonk, never really cared about what I drove as long as it was reliable) - anyway, i grabbed the remote, and I usually open the boot with my hand, you know, the old fashioned way! But lo and behold this fancy car has a button that does it for you, which I never use. So he says press that button, gesture over, cause he can see my pressing the living daylights out of it, and nothing happening. So he smiles, and chuckles a bit, and says, you have to HOLD it down. So I said OH, and did...and pop!

Anyway, he knows I've always been like that, and before, just post bomb, hed get annoyed by stuff like that, but today he thought it was cute, when he came in he sort of jokingly tapped my head with the roll of wrap paper i asked him to get, and said, 'silly, you really need to learn how to use that car' and smiled. This is quite unusual for him - the head tapping thing, its the sort of thing that he doesn do naturally, it must have been done on purpose.

Any way , he was very chatty and even spoke about getting me a new camera (theres a special going) - he said it could be my christmas present (he never buys things ON the occasion its usually at any given time, and then he sort of allocates it to the next avaiable occasion , bday, xmas etc)

So he trying to be nice. We spoke about his new house. I was happy for him, and he said he couldnt stay in that apartment anymore (guilt, justification), so I said I dont blame him, and smiled and was interested etc.

He also asked me what would suit me best for this weekend, - he is taking S with him for a weekend away with his parents, so he wanted to know if he wanted S to sleep at his new house or at my place, I said, it didnt matter - whatevers more convenient for him, cause hed have to drive out of his way, so I said its ok for him to keep S there at his house. He's being very careful about asking me, and checking with me, not sure of his motivation though.

Anyway so he left on a positive note. Argh this up and down, its just so weird. But at least it doesnt effect me like it used to.

I also think alot of the stuff he does now is out of guilt? and I also think he might be using me a bit, for comfort/companionship? So I dont really like that feeling, and it sort of helps with the detachment a bit at least

Ho hum, off to gym for me now then to the drawing board (work)

Another thing he mentioned, his new house is like twice the size of this house!!And it just sounds like one step up from this house! The thing is weve been looking for a bigger family house for a couple years, but whatever I liked, he didnt, and vise verse And that got put off, because he wanted to buy a house by the river, to which I got a bit cross cause it meant putting off a family home for another long period of time, and S is starting to get big now, and this little house with its postage stamp of grass is just too small

When we did find a house that we both liked, he eventually ummed and ahhed, and said naaah he cant see me in it thats where things started going wonky with us....he wanted what HE wanted , and I was just getting in the way

Anyway, just feels a bit yucky...but its helping that I've let go, and see him as a sep individual from me now, with his own decisions.

Its like he got this big successfull business with all this money to spend, and I was the only thing standing in the way of spending it on whatever his heart desires I dont know if its like this for sure, just seems a bit like that

Dunno