The respect isn't coming from exposure... THe respect comes from protecting the marriage, the family, children, and fighting FOR your spouse rather than tossing them to the wolves like most spouses would have...
HOW that's done generates a lot of anger, but the RESULTS I think is more what gets the respect, and the WAY its handled...
You can handle exposure in a dignified way or in a vendictive nasty way that won't get you any help at all...
You get respect when yo speak up for your marriage, you get disgust when you name call, fingerpoint, and BLAME
You can expose by being dignified or nasty, you only get respect by using the former
i guess i see that when the exposure is to family, friends, co-workers .. if i was having the affair, i would probably see that as vindictive. as the person having the affair, wouldn't dignified be "confronting me" about it in private and not taking it public? because now i can't look at anybody in the face. you ruined me. that was so vindictive of you to do that .. blah blah .. and for that, i will never get back together with you.
you see how it can go that way too?
i didn't do any name calling, fingerpointing, or blaming .. i let my h do all the talking. i just let him rant and let him take the lead. he thought i was going to be vindictive and nasty .. in the end, he did the name calling, fingerpointing, and blaming. and he was vindictive and nasty towards me .. for doing nothing.
i felt i have been more than fair throughout. and i wonder whether he will ever speak to me again. even as friends. does this mean he does not respect me?
The exposure happens and confrontation is immediately after that... There is no hiding done at all...
The reason why I reccomend exposure first is because if you confront first then you give your spouse a WARNING and they may run a counter-exposure campaign on you, telling all of your family and friends that you are crazy, jealous, off your medication, etc
So, you expose first, and then the next day you confront your spouse directly... There's no hiding, its merely tactical
It's hard not to respect someone who sends a letter out to friends and family that says
a. My spouse is in a hurtful affair b. I want them BACK c. They are hurting CHILDREN, please HELP me PROTECT THEM d. Please do what you can to SUPPORT our FAMILY and help us get back on TRACK
How can anyone do other than respect a stand up position like that?
i've done (a), (b), and (d). no children. people have been pretty supportive. i've said that he wanted out. i still want to save my m. and i have received support from friends and family.
i didn't do it vindictively. i didn't exaggerate. now it's whether my h will ever speak to me or respect me for wanting to save my m. but then .. he's 7 yrs old ... who am i kidding? respect?
i think to his mind a woman marrying him means she becomes part of his direct family... joining his father, sister, and mother.. .that's very likley how he understands marriage
And when there's conflict, and you don't tow the family line and give in to his mommy crying then he gets stressed out and shuts down...
That's how i understnad his brain to work at the moment
I think to his mind respect means catering to his mommy.. if you love my mommy you will love me...
As you said he's seven years old
Most boys get OUT of that mindset when they hit 13 - 15. Puberty forces children to rebel and isolate themselves from their adult counterparts... MOST teens go through this and come ou the other end... They still love their parents, but they respect them as people, they don't idolize them like they did as children...
DIvorce can hurry that process along, which is why its so painful for kids to have parents who divorce.. it forces that shift too early for kids and its very painful.
Your husband very likley never made that shift at all... He still looks at his parents as would an infant
And when there's conflict, and you don't tow the family line and give in to his mommy crying then he gets stressed out and shuts down...
That's how i understnad his brain to work at the moment
and then it's all my fault? and they tell him that i have to be removed from the family? i'm sitting here wondering what on earth i did that was so unforgiveable. i didn't cheat, steal, or physically hurt anybody. even cheaters can be forgiven but what did i do?
and here i am .. being called every nasty name in the book. for what? all i've tried to do was be a good wife. i supported my h, i even supported my ILs. i looked out for their best interest. and often times, i made my h look really good in front of his friends, family, and co-workers.
i can only tow the family line for so long. you're an adult for heaven's sake! crying to get your way?! oh for f*k sake. grow up.
christmas will be hard this year. i've spent many christmases with him and his friends. i feel like he's going to drag my name through the mud. i feel so wronged.
You have likely exposed him as a mama's boy already.. And no one likes those guys. I don't think anyone worth your time will believe him... If they do, you can find supportive friends instead...
Everyone knows you are working at this and he's not...
But ya, you didn't become part of his family so to his mind you were the bad apple so to speak... he likley feels similarly about his sister
i hope he reads stuff like this. so he knows we're not attacking him. we're just saying that he needs to make that shift. you can still respect your parents but at arms length.
at some point, you have to grow up. i don't know when i made that shift but in our household, the kids grew up fast. my parents are still together. i still take care of them but i'm not in their face all the time. i don't call them for the exact time required to boil potatoes. i just wing it. if i make a mistake, i will learn from it. my h was never like this. but in the last few years, his parents really laid the death card on thick. and now he calls them for the exact time required to boil potatoes. i just roll my eyes.
