i don't want this to turn into a competition but i think my sitch is pretty hopeless. my h went dark on me! no contact and avoids me at all cost.
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My H is much better today about confronting/standing up to his parents than he was when we first got together.
things were great when we were first together. as the years went by, they kept repeating over and over again how they were going to die. they were going to die. they were going to die. they can't live without him. they don't want to lose him. and did i mention .. they were going to die?
why would parents do that to their own son?
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I haven't posted over there. Just my one thread in Infidelity. I wasn't quite sure where I supposed to post when I first signed up.
the only reason why i ask is because i've read some of the advice there. and i was just wondering what you thought of the advice and whether you think it's something that would work for you.
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Same here. And even if you try to guide them and give the resources and teach them... it's like that old saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". I get to this point, and then sometimes find myself wondering "Is any of this worth it? What am I doing to myself?"
a few days ago, i still had some hope. but after getting some info from allen a, i've lost all hope in my sitch.
my h's case is so severe that there is no fixing it. the only way he's going to change is when mom & dad pass. h will d-file as soon as our separation agreement is complete. i wish he wouldn't drag it out for so long. if he wants out, then just get out. our separation agreement isn't that complicated.
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It's really hard for me to think that, one way or another, that is now being delayed for who-knows-how-long because of H's immaturity and irresponsibility. I either have to wait for him to grow up, or try to find another, truly worthy man to start a family with. There's no easy choice.
at least your h didn't tell you that he didn't have confidence in your ability to handle motherhood. i got that nice gem tossed my way.
there is no easy way. i have a very hard time trusting anyone. after this fiasco, i've sworn off men. i told my mom i'll just hit the sperm bank in about a year's time. she was okay with it. my old fashioned mother.
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So he feels like he needs to connect with them as much as possible while they're still around. Even if it's unhealthy, and only perpetuates their lack of a life outside of their sons.
i know he gets annoyed with his parents. but they lay the guilt on so thick that you can't get away from it. cuz all you hear is how they're going to die. i can't imagine anybody living that way.
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Makes me think that if I ever do end up in the dating pool again, I'm going be carefully scrutinizing the parents of any possibly marriage partners, and their relationship with their parents. Clearly these kind of parent/child dynamics create some predictable (and destructive) patterns!
no dating pool for me. i have to admit, i went on a coffee date and i realize that i'm still the same girl i was before i met my h. i'm just not a dating type of person. it's not for me.
marriage is something i only do once. i wouldn't do this again.
just that my h needs to grow up. and growing up will take a long time. as long as his parents are still alive, my h will never "grow up".
it requires FT and lots of it. but you cannot force them to go to FT. they don't think there's anything wrong with their relationship.
mom and dad think giving money and baked goods to their 40-yr old son is being a good parent.
you simply can't break that cycle. h has to figure that out himself. i don't know if it will ever break.
to me, this is beyond db-ing. i think i always knew that. i've been looking for a reason to stop db-ing and just go ballistic. maybe i found my reason to stop db-ing.
i came here to figure out if db-ing will save my m. there is zero hope.
sandi2 and greek have told me that i'm wasting my time trying to reconcile. my h will never change.
i'm beginning to wonder what i'm doing here. what's the point in db-ing? to save me? it's not what i came here for.
sigh .. i have to stop here before my post turns "jekyll and hyde".
I understand your frustration. If you don't feel you can properly DB or have the motivation to do so any longer, perhaps you just need to go with the Tough Love/Letting Go approach. It can be very liberating for yourself and can also provide exactly what is needed to motivate the wayward back into the M. Basically, it's similar to the going dark part of DBing... a little different in nuance.
You're right though: H won't grow up or get help to grow up until he has sufficient motivation to do so. Having said that, none of us can say with certainty that any situation is without hope! Even professional therapists can't tell you that.
I'm not saying there's no hope. I am saying its a lot of work. This isn't an overnight fix.
i'm prepared for a lot of work. but it might mean him d-filing, lots of temper tantrums, a lot of hate towards me because i'll still be the cause of all his problems, etc. and what do i do? just a lot of waiting. i'm action-oriented and i'm not used to just sitting around and waiting for him to wake up.
so what do i do? i've been working on myself. doing things that i enjoy doing and make me feel good about myself. i've said on my main thread that my life is fun again. i don't think i've ever smiled so much in the last month than i have in the last 3 years of my marriage. i've been challenged physically, mentally, and emotionally. wow.
my life is filled with a loving family, supportive friends, and well-meaning co-workers. and i wonder what i ever did to deserve all of this.
this was me pre-marriage/pre-h. and i always felt that h didn't have this and i wanted him to have a taste of what it was like to have all of this. it seems very selfish to be experiencing this all by myself.
when life is this much fun, it is meant to be shared. friends who only recently found out that i was d-bombed told me that they couldn't tell. i was always smiling and having fun.
i quote randy pausch a lot because he's been a great inspiration to me. he said "Look, I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you."
You live your life while you wait so you Don't Miss anything... no regrets
i figure .. while i'm waiting, i might as well do something with my life and do some self-improvement.
one thing i really need help on is my communication. you touched on this on someone else's thread about creating a safe environment for communication. i am likely .. ok, i am guilty of not creating a safe environment for my h to communicate with me. and sometimes i feel like this may have pushed him away from me.
i have this way of 'digging' without having to use words. i often know when my h hasn't thought of something thoroughly - which is quite often. so when he says he wants to do this or he thinks things should be done a certain way, i'll let him be his man in all his glory. i'll nod and say "ok" but along with that, i have a look that says "there is something you didn't consider and may ruin your plan. i know what it is and i'm not telling you. you're figuring it out yourself because i can't protect you forever." he hated this because i wasn't giving him the answer. i was making him learn from his mistakes. i wasn't coddling him like his parents. so how can i create a safe environment for dialogue without giving that 'look'. with compassion?
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You can do Pausch while leaving a window open for him to reconsider later if he grows up
i think this is my third option. i can't control him. i only have control over what i do with me. many days i feel like it's hopeless. but there's a boy in there who really wants to stand up to his parents. i've seen it.
is this one of the brick walls that show me how badly i want something (ie. my m)? wait long enough and people will show you their good side. just be patient.
in the newcomers forum, there is all this talk about letting the WAS go is the best way to get them to come back.
ok. after analyzing our sitches with h's who are underdeveloped emotionally, would dropping the rope ever work?
to me, dropping the rope only works on someone who is mature enough to realize that what they are losing. with my h, i don't think he'd ever realize what he's missing (a real chance at growing up).
i don't want to hijack a thread .. nor do i want to start a new thread. but i have a question that have been trying to figure out about some of the advice here.
this is really for puppy or allen .. someone who's been through it and live to tell the story.
in one of the threads on the newcomers forum, puppy talked about his past. and in the end, he said that his wife was livid because he exposed the affair, but she understood why he did it and respected him for it and thanked him for fighting for the marriage.
i don't think i understand the human behaviour behind it. i'm trying to put myself in her shoes and if you exposed my affair and embarrassed me in front of my co-workers, friends, and family .. i would be livid for a very long time. and wouldn't the anger cloud any kind of respect? when does the respect part come in? i'd be so angry for being embarrassed in public that i would not even think of respecting my spouse.
can you explain the respect part a bit more? how did you earn her respect by calling her out so publicly like that?
