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I'm still only a couple of days into this thing. After confronting her tonight about the sleeping arrangements she wanted to skip the separation and go right for a divorce and a nasty one. Shouldn't I give it a little time and go dark for a while to she if she comes around a little?

Ranger, having been exactly where you are 11 months ago, and doing exactly what you are doing, NO, NO, NO.

What complying did for me thusly:

• helped H's EA turn into a PA
• has H living in house, while I live in apt
• turned H into MAJOR bully
• cost me $5,000+ (therapy, moving, new wardrobe due to major weight loss, etc)
• H filed D ANYWAY
  

So you say this: W, I will not live in an open M. I will not tolerate your involvement w/AM. I am committed to this family and our child. If you wish to S/D, then you are free to go. In the interim, I am not going to leave my marital bed, as I am not the one choosing to leave this M. You are welcome to sleep alongside me, or if you feel uncomfortable w/that, you may sleep on the couch. Excuse me, I am tired and retiring for the night. Good night.

Then you go to YOUR bed and sleep in it.

Your W will bully you as much as you allow her to. She knows that she's holding your fear over your head. If she sees she can control you w/it, she will. In every conceivable way.

Appeasing her is only going to make this much, much worse.

If you find the time, read my threads. I did many things wrong in the beginning. Once I found my ball$, that's when the turn around started. Mind you, we are still S, H filed, but he finally RESPECTS me. I don't see his A lasting too much longer; I suspect that H will start changing his tune by winter.

Do I risk losing my family for trying to set up boundries so early? I firmly believe she would file.

If you do nothing, you're going to lose them anyway. It's just going to take longer. She's trying to intimidate you right now, and it's working.

That being said, back to Step 1...

Move back into your bed.

She won't have it? You won't have a W that goes outside the M to cheat with another man. (See, you can do it, too...)

She doesn't like it, she can sleep somewhere else. You need to start DB'ing somewhere... start here.

If you back down now, you're just going to have a harder time regaining her respect later.

This is from your first post:



That bomb is the prelude to the D bomb. Most ppl don't S to R their M, especially when there is OP in the picture. Most ppl use the S to continue/intensify their A.

To answer your question, you are already at risk to lose your family. Your W is having an A. I know it's 'only' an EA, and OM lives far away. But the EA will eventually turn into a PA. What's to say that your W didn't have a PA when she met OM? And the 'only an EA' is just as damaging to your M as a PA.

You put your boundaries in place to protect yourself and your D. Tough darts if W gets angry about that. Unless you don't mind sharing your W w/OM. You clearly stating your boundary that you will not tolerate an open M shows W that you respect yourself, your D and your M. Of course W is going to be angry. She wants to have OM and H and control of the sitch.

She will manipulate you every single way she can so as to maintain having you waiting in the wings in case things w/OM don't work out. You are her fall back option.

At this point, you should state your boundary about not having an open M, no contact w/OM in the house, etc. Then you withdraw. You don't act mean, rude, angry. Just pull yourself back. This does 2 things: prevents you from saying or doing anything stupid ( & this one was a lifesaver for me!!!) and it shows W that you mean business.

I know how tough it is, really. I'm not trying to be harsh w/you. Just trying to spare you some extraneous pain.

Signed off last night and crawled into OUR bed. W rolled over but didn't say anything.

Told her this morning I didn't want open marriage or contact with OM while in the house. She agreed.

Think I need to let go for now and just try to concentrate on me.

I've never been more scared in my life.

I did realize while laying in bed that I have neglected and surpressed this woman physically, emotionally and sexually for so many years. And treated her more like a mother than a wife.

Rangerphan,



I can sooooo relate to this statement. read my sitch from the begining.
The two years leading up to my bomb we were living more like roommate then H and W.

Don't take all the blame for the breakdown. I too felt the tearing apart of my family and everything we worked for to have.

So now that you busted the EA you need to validate her feelings and show her you are working on you. Do the 180s, GALing and make positive changes for you.

This is easier said then done. But the sooner you do it the better your chances.

Don't let her see you cry, take control and be the best dad for your kids.

PLease don't ever bring up R talk with her or talk about future plans.

Keep an eye on your finances if you have a joint account.
Protect yourself and kids first.

Again you will survive this.
Tough situations go away, tough poeple don't.

Sweet. That is a good thing. You say you have neglected her all this time so now it's time to show her you can change that.

Be on the lookout of the OM/communication with him. She has to end it cold turkey.



Yes to all of this!

Congratulations for sleeping in your own bed. I'm proud of you for taking that step.

Keep the changes going. Don't talk about what happened last night unless she brings it up.

Tonight, same plan. Be a man of action.