Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How to tell if there is an A

why on his? his will just say "not interested in marrying, as it might kill me."

Well no I meant him warning others not to marry him as he's death in a bottle

i decided to stop checking my intel sources regularly. every time i check, i get a rush of anxiety - and it's not a good feeling. i never find anything unusual. and it seems very unproductive for me. especially since i am working on taking care of myself.

eventually it has to stop. i might as well start weening myself off now. it really isn't good for me and my mental well-being.

i really don't want to destroy all the work that i've done on myself to get to this point. it took a long time.

i think i always knew that my h was spewing garbage. i need to work on my detachment and compassion. i was asked by my l to go talk to my h about any outstanding items that need to be divided between us and maybe work out a deal ourselves. it would also give me a chance to see if h has matured over the last few months.

i fear it because it's like dealing with a 7 yr old child. you'd think that a was who wants out, will want to cut a deal as soon as possible. but my h seems to be dragging it out and hoping that i will give in because legal fees are eating away at my portion of the settlement.

we are both losing. there are no winners. this isn't a game to me.

i need to be strong when i get served. i'm making small progress towards it. i fall back a bit every once in a while.

What is the monetary value of the negotiating items?

If the cost of legal fees to get teh items is more than the cost to replace them tehn what's the point?

It's going to take more than a couple months for him to mature.. he's gonig to get worse before he gets better...

Your H is likely dragging it out due to attachment at work... That I think is the most likely explanation...

can you expand on this? my brain is a bit numb today.
i feel myself falling back and asking myself why he is behaving this way. it's almost like i refuse to use the excuse that he's acting like a child. he's an adult so act like one. it's downright pathetic. and i know mwd says don't get dragged down to their level but somedays i just want to scream at him. i never had the chance to.

i had 12 ic sessions from feb to mid jun. in every session, all i did was yell. i yell and vented and i spoke to her as if she was my h. i felt better when i left. but the next day, i found the anger came back twice as hard. i would be on the phone with a crisis counsellor who would try to calm me down.

i felt so scared at one point that i thought i needed to go to the hospital.

the vets here helped me turn my life around. the only reason why i am not in the vortex of a toilet bowl is because i did the work as of me. i can't get sucked back into the toilet bowl.

and so what if he has found someone else? does it matter at this point? i'm still happy with who i am. i've been pretty blessed to have the help and support i received so far.

i think deep down, i don't like the stigma associated with the 'divorced' label. i hate it so much that i don't tell people that i am separated. i just say i'm single and i leave it at that.

some of the things to be divided are sentimental items from our good friends. he created a 'contentious items' list which contain my engagement ring, a purse, a pair of ladies sunglasses, my wedding ring, and some other jewellery of mine. and you don't have to say it. i already know that those are not his. you and every l i've spoken to has told me that. but who's telling this to h? it's very frustrating.

it's going to get worse than it already is?


some of the items are rare collectibles and are tough to replace.

Why not just give the items away and tell him you don't have the darn things.. a purse? Sunglasses?

Seriously? Just deny having them anymore... lol

The attachment is discussed in Penny Tupy's Overcoming Infidelity eBook in depth.

You don't need to have a cheating spouse for attachment to kick in.

Attachment simply put is the bond that a couple builds after spending years together through thick and thin....

This attachment brings them closer after a fight. This attachment causes them to come home while in the heat of an affair. This attachment causes them to panic when their marriage is falling apart. This attachment is what makes spouses lonely who are so angry at each other they can't bear it

Attachment bonds two people into one over time.. one family unit...

Your H has as strong attachment with his mother as well... Its the same thing...

In short.. He's dragging this out partly for the simple fact that he misses you.

Nonesense? Really?

What would make someone who has been through the nonsense that you've tolerated worry about her estranged husband's sudden weight gain and possible heart problems?

What is making you worry about his health?

Attachment. It's there.

He doens't even understand it, its subconsious. Ask anyone here about their spouse moving out.. or legal disputes.. they DRAG ON FOREVER.. its because attachment is fighting the two people driving them together again...

This is biology.. we all do it...

This attachment is the same one that causes adopted children to seek out their birth parents... its incredibly powerful...

Nuts?

Yes

Unhealthy?

Definitely in the cases of abuse... batttered women still have a strong attachment to abusive husbands.. its what allows them to put UP with the abuse in teh first place...

Excitement brings people together, but the attachment that builds long term is what keeps people from breaking apart

Attachment can be broken, but it is a time consuming and painful process...

Can a man have an attachment to one woman
and an exciting sexual affair with another?

Of course.. that's what infidelity is... in most cases

Everything your H does to avoid breaking all association with you is attachment..

Him goign to his parents and complaining about you for hours on end...attachment... blatant in your face attachment

we didn't have an easy courtship. we endured a lot of criticism as a couple. we hid our relationship because we weren't sure how others would react to us being together.
my h and i never fought each other. but together, we fought whatever came our way. we made a good team.

when we play squash as partners, i just know where he is going to be and he knows where i'm going to be. and it works. even to this day, he can't play with someone else. he gets frustrated because he'll constantly be colliding with his partner.


why? because they know it's wrong but they come home to try and find a reason to stop?


this i don't want to believe. i'm trying to detach and every day, i'm slowly trying to not care.


compassion. i could forget the d-bomb and everything. but in the end, i hold no ill will against him. i don't wish an early death upon anyone. i'm not so mad that i wish they were all dead. no. i'm beyond that now.

when we were just friends, i cared about him the same way. he was alone in the city and he didn't have anybody who cared about him. weird, eh? his parents were out of state. all of his male friends were married with families and had other priorities. i just made sure he was okay. we became great friends that way.


please don't say it'll drag on forever. i have a house to pay for.


when he moved out, he wanted to keep pictures of me. he gave me some t-shirts that he outgrew but said i could use as nightshirts. he also took some items of mine and kept them as momentos.

are you sure this isn't mind reading? i've been warned not to mind read.

I am simply explaining the meaning of attachment.

I wouldn't categorize this as mind-reading.

I think analyzing behaviour in the context of attachment can drive you crazy after a while, as you have aluded to.

YOU are wrestling with attachment. I know you said you are only concerned about his health... but its HIS health you are focussing on.. its not a bad thing.. you just have to be aware of it...