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This morning S and I were finally the only ones at home! No friends, family, etc. Of course we have our new baby boy Gabe (our lab puppy) - but we were able to finally just talk.

We talked about grief and the grief process and that we both are experiencing it. Talked about the structure of our day-to-day in this new life. What we need to do - how we need to do it. Talked about our fears regarding the future and what we needed to do to help each other through it. Asked each other questions about what was "real" and what wasn't. He talked about what he thought his dad was going through and he said that what he thinks is that dad wasn't happy with himself. I let him keep talking because once a 16 year old boy actually finishes a complete sentence with his mother and moves on to another one ~ it's a gift:)!!!
I was moved by his intuitiveness. He said "Mom I think Dad was happy as a husband and as a father but I think he questions whether he had too many kids."
My heart stopped. I said "Honey - nothing could be further from the truth. I said that many people hit a point in their lives where they look in the mirror and don't like what they see or what they have or what they have done. At that point they start changing a lot of things to see if it makes them happier or feel better. But ultimately most come to realize that the changes have to be inside - you can't just change jobs, homes, spouses, etc. But sometimes people don't come to that realization and they live the rest of their lives trying to "find a fix." I told him that I pray everyday that his dad will come around and see what we had or could have but that in the meantime we needed to "act as if" it wasn't going to happen and begin to set up a new way of living for us. But I also told him that I am standing for my marriage from a compassionate distance. He said - what does that mean? I told him that I believed in my marriage vows and I didn't believe divorce was right for me. I said your dad may believe that divorce is right for him and he has the right to feel that way as well. So when two people believe very different things - you can't try to change each other - you just have to be respectful and take care of yourself to make sure you limit the amount of hurt you expose yourself to. I told him that I didn't plan to see or talk to his dad for awhile but that I wasn't going to date or look for anyone else. I would love his dad from a distance and let him have this time and space to figure things out for himself. I told him that what I really wanted to do was to throw myself into H's arms, beg, cry, convince, etc. - but that doing that would not be the right thing to do. S understood and we talked more about him being scared that his dad had gone "crazy" or was mentally ill. He said that he had told the counselor that in his session. I said "S - do you know how hard your dad worked when he was young to be a star athlete? Do you know how that's all he ever did and that's all his family every focused on? Well - your dad sees that he was successful that way. I, on the other hand, always wanted to have more balance in life and I think that your dad saw that as me being disrespectful of him. And in hindsight - maybe he was right. I have just always wanted us to work hard and be happy and enjoy each other. I think that now your dad is trying to focus all of his effort and work on his own life in order to be happy - because that's what made him successful as an athlete." This seemed to make sense to S but the last thing he said was "it seems like a lonely life to me." I said "Honey, what's great is that you get to discover what kind of life you want and then go after it!" He hugged me / left to meet his friend / and I sobbed.

It's August 1st ~ and my S and I are moving forward.

Irish you are a blessing...

You handled that beautifully.

<standing hands clapping>

Thanks Gritt ~ now if the tears would stop flowing I might make some progress!

Today was a mixed bag of emotions. I worked around the house - ran the errands - cut the grass - all alone. As I was driving home from the grocery, I started sobbing again. When I was in the grocery, the song "Always and Forever" by Heatwave came on. It was the song that we danced to at our wedding. How sappy am I???

When I pull into the drive - there comes my son - just getting home from the park with his new pup. He sees me crying / goes and unlocks the door and when I walk in he opens his arms to hug me and lets me cry. How has this become my life? I will always wonder.H contacted S today around 4pm. I don't understand how he has gone from being a part of our every moment to these "pop ins".

I hope that I can begin to stop hurting and crying. I always feel so pathetic and lost when I do. I just want to heal!

IB, you are still so early into this and have come a long way.
But you are, of course, still going to have moments of great sadness. This is, after all, a huge thing that's happened.

But I can promise you that you will be able to get through days without crying, then weeks. You will still feel sad from time to time, but, this deep sadness will begin to ebb.

Hang in there, sweetie. You are very fortunate to have such a wonderful, thoughtful son.

You will be ok.

IB

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I think you handled the conversation with your son perfectly, so you should take some comfort in this.

As B mentioned, the pain and sadness that you are feeling will begin to get better IF YOU allow it too. By this I mean, that you feel it, you grievve it and then you let it go. Will it come back...yes it will but each time I think it gets a little better.

As hard as this can be you must try and learn from this - not just for you BUT for your children AND your H.

Sending you cyber hugs ((()))

God Bless
Eric

Back to work from 5 day vacation. Overwhelming...
I have always felt like I could do a great job because of all I had at home - but now I am missing such an integral part of my life - it is tough. H emailed me about paying S's textbook rental at school registration. I said thanks and that I would pay for half and pay for yearbook and other expenses, etc. He said it was fine if I just paid for the other incidentals.
Took S to dinner at our family's favorite restaurant. The regular staff said "hey, where's H" - and S and I looked at each other and smiled and I said "well he decided he wanted a different life" - They said "STFU!! - No Way - Not YOU all" / S and I handled it well and said "Yes - we are really sad but we couldn't give up our favorite food:)"
Moving forward...

Oh - forgot...had IC session today. I walked in anticipating asking her to contact our MC (we signed releases earlier) - just wanted her to check in with MC about his perceptions, etc. So I walk in and she said that the MC had called her and shared that he thought I was handling the situation as well as anyone and that S was intuitive and recognized that something was not right with his dad. Weird - but grateful.

I've been having these strange visuals of me being very small and H being very large - and me just being relinquished to nothing by his words and actions - that there is and has never been any love for me - basically that I have just been destroyed by all of this. In someways I think this is me just letting go - this is what is left of me and where I have to begin to build myself up again. It's just strange.

Sorry if this sounds all crazy and such - I'm just a little low.

IB,

You have the power to CHANGE the visual.

You're doing great, give yourself some credit girl.

Irish,

I've had the weird dreams, too. Disturbing dreams where my H is there but not there. Subconscious sh!t. Kept me awake for nights for a couple of weeks.

For what it's worth, I think you & S are doing great. And the better you do, the more H sees, well, if he decides to come back, you might not be so eager for that life anymore. Who knows? It's a bizarre conundrum.

At this point, I haven't lost ALL my love for H, but I've lost a ton and a half of respect. Time and distance gives you the ability to see them in a different light.

Do I sound like a downer? I don't mean to. I only mean to tell you I think you are doing absolutely fabulous, and are finding strength in yourself you didn't know you had.

Peace out! ( as my kids say)