Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Welcome home

Did she ever tell you that it was a problem. While I'm sure it was, don't feel like you have to take all the blame. Her up and leaving you flat with the kids goes beyond normal WAS. I mean she ABANDONED you and took your kids with her.

What were some of the problems that SHE said she had with you? What have you been doing to get your kids back? Have you talked to a L? Are you still giving her money?

I will avoid going legal and she says she will do the same for now. All it would do is widen the rift and hurt the kids. They are happy and well adjusted where they are now. She's not keeping them from me per se. I'll just have to reside in Canada. All things considered it seems a small price to pay. As I've told my wife on multiple occasions, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.... or her.

I understand the intention but it doesn't help you now.



As long as you go along with her calling all the shots you will look like a doormat to her. She can't be atrracted to a man who would let his woman treat him this way.

Don't fool yourself - she is keeping the kids from you, she is hurting them by splitting up the family.



She will play this on you. Whenever you stand up for yourself she will threaten to take legal action. She will use this to keep you in line.



What are the facts you are using to base this certainty?



I think the price will keep compounding over time. Think thru what you are agreeing to. Don't make a long term decision on emotion.

Was this taking attention FROM her? Did you still attend to her needs, or did it really REPLACE her? My W was hurt in the same way, but I didn't feel I was neglecting HER needs in favor of this. I would rather have been with her, she just wasn't interested as often as I was.

I really hate to even talk about this subject, but it is a reality.

Ragman, what do you ultimately want for your marriage? I aslo found out while I was deployed that my W wanted to D me.

I have found out through many trials and many failures that things are never too far gone. I too had flaws that I recognized and set out to fix.

While I was deployed i looked at myself as a person. I recognized them and improved myself immensely. I also learned that no matter what I said to my W it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was showing her through action was all that she would see.

With that being said, you can't do and action to get a reaction. The changes and the things you do have to be genuine and not forced.

I turned my focus to my children and myself. My children became the number one priority and myself second. I had to put the M on the back burner because it was something she clearly wasn't interested in repairing at the time.

We tried MC and it hepled us to communicate our issues, but the D path still remained. It wasnt until I stoped bugging her and wanting to talk about things all the time that she started to see my changes.

I had to take the pressure of the R and focus on myself. that's what you need to do is focus on you and the kids. No amount of words can bring them back like your actions or inactions can.

I also learned that you somehow need to put the past behind you (something she needs to do as well), and live for today. You obviously can't change the past, but you can change the future by being better in the present.

I hope some of this makes sense, and some of the advice will seem counter-productive. these people have drilled these things into my head, but I didn't see it. It wasn't until I started to follow the advice from this site and DB that things began to turn around.

I have been home for 4 months now, and my W is just now wanting to drop the D. it isn't because of anything that I said to her. It was the changes she's observed in my everyday behavior.

This takes patience, and allot of strenghth to help you through. Refer to this site often. Someone will help stear you I promise.

I'd have to say I'd rather have my husband cheat on me than have one who has a porn addiction. You men can't begin to understand what it does to a woman to see her man all wound up in that.

Luv

I'm beginning to realize that. Thanks.

You are right. At least I don't understand. I'm not trying to e a smartass here, but this is an issue in my R also. Can you enlighten us? They are only pictures on a screen. That is worse than another live human being whom emotions are shared with?

I can understand how it would be a problem if it meant we were negleting our W's,but what if that was not the case? I don't think I have an addiction, but I used it when W wasn't "interested". I didn't think it was a big deal, but apparently it was. It seems that some women are particularly averse, while others don't seem to care. I don't get it.

I think I should add that the 2 close friends I shared this with said that internet porn is/was a contributing factor in their marital strife.

It was certainly a contributing factor in my marital problems. My H WAS neglecting me. We already had an SSM, with HIM as the low drive spouse, and it was much more "convenient" to do porn--I think he did it mostly out of habit--than is was to take time for the wife.

I was sick about it, but too naive to take firm action and lay down a boundary. I just assumed he didn't want to ML because he just didn't love me all that much. I also assumed that the women in the pictures he got off to were more exciting and that I must be too plain and boring. (I'm not...far from it, BTW)

For me, it was cheating...just as painful as an affair would have been. You see, he was "giving away" my LL--physical touch. Just food for thought. Porn is NOT innocent.

--silver