Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

i remember that i stopped talking about the r and the m fairly early because i knew i wasn't getting anything across. it was very hard for me at the time but despite not knowing how to db, i did it pretty naturally.


letting him lead was a 180 for me. cuz usually i lead. i'm the know-it-all. i watched h stumble throughout and it's sad but sometimes it's best to let them learn from failures.


hmm .. ok.
my statement was inspired by randy pausch. if i'm going to apologize, i need to have three parts to it .. it was my fault, i'm sorry, how can i make it right? the last part shows sincerity. which is why i said "i wish there was a way for me to make it right."

i can take out the line in bold. but in general, when i read that statement, i don't show emotion. i can say it with a straight face. but i will remove it if it's too revealing.

no where in that statement, do i say he has done anything wrong. do i need to include anything like that? it's hard to without finger-pointing.

is the statement enough? i don't want to make it too verbose.


i would have to ask him to meet for coffee or something to go over the separation agreement. i think he's off to see mom and dad soon though. i still do not have his supporting documentation. without it, i don't want to predict what the numbers will be.


you need the google android phone.
i have been waiting patiently for your guidance. i was really proud of my statement. i asked coach to look at it but he has stopped posting on my thread. he gave me some guidance a few weeks back but i have yet to hear from him.

oh well.

summer squash league is about to end. regular season begins in september. $570 to play. ouch!

I like your statement. Sounds like recognizing some of your contributions to the problems, taking responsibility and showing remorse, without a hint of groveling.

I agree with Forrest about the part in bold.

I also wonder if there is a way to work in that not only have you rediscovered who you were, but you are even better now because you have grown and learned from this experience.




What is the hurt that you cover up with contempt for your H?

Deal with the hurt, and you will find that you will be better able to keep your emotional balance regardless of what he throws at you.

There is nothing more deadly to a relationship than contempt. Even if you don't say anything contemptuous, it will be communicated.

for days, i was asking coach to review my statement. nothing. sigh.

thanks for reviewing my statement. i really put thought into that statement. it took a while for me to get started because i didn't know how long it should be and what it should cover. but in the end, i think it covers almost everything. the truth of the matter is .. i didn't discuss with my h what was important for us. i made that decision for us and just went ahead with the plans. when i put everything together, that's what it all boils down to. i put emphasis on certain things because i thought it was best for us. and i would sacrifice our quality time and intimate time. that's why my h says intimacy wasn't a priority or a passion of mine.

i totally ruined our sex life because i felt that having children was "what's best for us". so in my mind, sex only took place around the fertile time. and lots of it. did that make sex great? no but i didn't see it that way. it was so mechanical. and then i would get upset when we failed to get pregnant. but at the same time, i thought .. you're getting lots of sex, what are you complaining about? i know now .. that there IS a difference. sex isn't great when its purpose is for pro-creation. even if it's lots of sex. baby sex is not good for the man.

and there are other examples of similar things. this is just one of the standout examples. and i know it bothered my h.

i think he is disappointed in me that i became this way. almost a non-loving wife who was trying to create the illusion of a perfect marriage. and totally ignoring the man's needs. not what he wanted to marry. not who he fell in love with.

so instead of talking about this specific thing, i mentioned that my plan for us made me a totally different person. and i didn't like who that person was either. i admit, i was trying to follow the trend. you see everybody settling down, having kids .. who says that was right for us?

he was patient with me. and i completely missed the mark. it is no wonder he fell out of love with me.

all of the other things that he mentioned why we were different and i brushed them aside as 'excuses'. well, there was some truth to it. again, i didn't factor those in my 'what's best for us' plans. i ignored his needs.

i own up to my part in the breakdown of our marriage.


it's a thought. but i tried to steer away from that because usually you don't talk about the changes you made to yourself. you let it show through your actions. so i should let my actions speak for themselves?


deep down, i'm hurt that he confided in his mother and not me. i'm hurt that he sided with his mother and not me.
of course, i'm still thinking that i only tried to do what was best for him. i can't change this overnight.

contempt is bad. it's one of the four horsemen.

thanks for your input, dudess. i waited a long time for feedback. and this wasn't one of my crazy posts too!

Very understandable. I imagine that I would feel very hurt by that too. You were his wife and although his mom is very important, you should have come first.

It is obvious that he needs better boundaries with his parents. That's part of his contribution to the problems.




Crazy posts? Not sure what you mean, but if you are referring to the times when you are journaling and letting those vulnerable feelings come out - I think those are pure gold!

i think it's as "simple" as that.
i thought i had everything figured out for us. which was wrong.
and he needs to set better boundaries with his parents.

i'm not asking him to disrespect his parents. i need to come first.
and i need to stop planning what's best for us. i need to loosen up. the BGPs are on a bit too tight.


hehe. yes, i was referring to my crazy journaling posts. my crazy posts are the times when i drove the vets nuts with my out of control mindset and i start spewing out stuff like .. i want to have a baby now. i want to find someone to prove that i'm over my sexual insecurities, blah blah .. oh man, i look back at those and it's so embarrassing. but y'know, if it wasn't for that, i wouldn't be where i am now.

i read other threads and i seriously don't think there is another poster who has journaled as much as i have about my sitch. i love my thread. it documents my mood, feelings, and thoughts throughout my journey so far.

"you need the google android phone."

The phone is not the limiting factor. It is the way my brain works that makes it hard. The way I post is so that it makes it easier on me. Sometimes people accuse me of posting in code.. until they start to understand it. It is hard to duplicate the flow for my brain on a 4 inch screen.

Dudess had some good insight also. Coffee and "dirty talk" is not a fantastic idea. Keep thinking about a place and time for a sit down with him. The phone cal to set this up will be interesting. Remember.. your L is advising that you do this. Coffee.. and the statement comes after "dirty talk".

so not used to you posting so early.


i thought about this. he doesn't take my phone calls. i could try email but if he doesn't respond to that either, then what?


i assume the "dirty talk" the separation agreement stuff.
i don't even know if i have it in me to use the statement. if i get a negative vibe, i may not even use the statement. if he looks at me with the same hatred that i felt 6 months ago, then there is no point.

i'm feeling down today. i looked up some friends on facebook and all i see are happy couples with kids/families. and i look at myself and i have nothing. i don't have kids, i don't even have an h. when i confided in my mother, she told me that i picked the wrong guy to marry. in other words, i made a mistake and i'm paying the consequences for my mistake. maybe she's right.

We all "see" the happy couples when this is going on. It has to do with our "vision" of things.

When we are happy couples.. we don't "see" the unhappy people.

Funny how that works...

Don't believe the hype.. your "vision" of things will change.

It is.. just part of the walk.

Believe me when I say.. there is a reason for all this. You just don't understand it yet. Fight to understand it.. don't let it beat you down.

This.. is the easy part.

i guess what i see is .. if this all goes down in flames, i can walk away and say 'i tried' but in the end, i still have nothing. and to make matters worse .. i lose a lot of time. which i often feel i don't have much of.

underneath all the crazy posts, there is a fear of lack of time. that's why there's that rush to have the baby now. find a new guy now. don't waste time.

when i take a step back, i start to understand why those things came out of my mouth. they weren't really digs at my h. it was really my fear of getting old.


someone tried to make me feel better by saying "you don't know if they really are a happy family underneath the smiling family photo".

i don't want to seek solace from something like that. that's like putting someone down to make yourself feel better. i don't do that.


well, you have yet to fail me. so i will trust you on this.
just don't say that "maybe it just wasn't meant to be".

When you came into this marriage.. you had nothing. Those things that you thought were important.. most likely faded some. Think about it.. heck make a list of what was important then. I would like to see it. Now.. describe their importance now.

Time in this situation is really not important. Do you really think that RP was motivated by a time limit? I doubt it had much impact on him. Simply because no one person could give him a factual limit. If they tried to give him a limit.. it was based on the statistics.

I did not post earlier to make you feel better. I could post until I ha tens of thousands on my post count and it would likely not mean much.. or make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. I am just here to point out what I think you are missing. I am not the one you want cheering you on when you feel down.

My thoughts are the situation is not as bad as you think it is. You just have to see the openings.

Don't play this game to win. Play this game so it shows your heart. Be you. Noting more.. nothing less.

Now...

Do Work.