Yeah, for me it's all about respect. She's idolized a college relationship that she lost for years. The first year we were married, I caught her on the phone with this guy, who's married. She said that she's just good friends, "with all her old boyfriends" and it didn't mean anything. Happened again about 2 years later, and I told her I didn't like her talking with him. She said the same crap. Next time it happened, maybe a year or two later, I told her never to contact him again. She sent him a birthday message via FBook this May.
So it's really my fault. I failed to set and enforce boundaries from day one. No wonder she doesn't respect me, and gets so angry when I try to enforce them now.
When my blowout started there was no way I COULD enforce boundaries, unless I LEFT. That was pretty much the only choice I was given in my situation.
Anyway, good luck - and I was saying don't fault yourself. When these waywards decide they are going to do this to you there is nothing you can do about it.
I wish I got in the helicopter and left. Took a bunch of damage and attrition at the expense of this crap.
Yeah, no fun being the last man out of Saigon...
My wife had such a strong/angry reaction to me telling her that her relationships with coworkers were inappropriate. Not that I should mind read, but an EA is an EA...
When they do it the way your wife is, there will be a certain wall you can't get over, but maybe her "friends" at work can.
In reality, in marriage it should be the other way around. There is a "wall" that others can't get over, but the spouse has access.
Mine started out the right way and ended up the wrong way. It was plainly visible to anyone who saw us together. My ego-esteem was strong enough to take it, for a while. But several years and thousands and thousands of situation where its clearly obvious that I don't have her, wore me to the nub.
Plus the consistent rejection took my high powered sex drive and trashed it. I'm working on that now, with a female friend. Some are saying you "can't get it back".
I believe I can, I believe its a mental thing from being forced in the repitition of being in a situation where I always get told "no", "wait", "later", etc.
Anyway, my hats off to all the rest of you and best of luck.
I see the same results to me. If someone had been drinking beers with me in 1999 before I got married and said: "You'll have sex less than once per month from here on out," I'd have laughed my ass off.
Sadly, I didn't even meet that. And I used to think of myself as an animal.
LOL! Are you going to stay stuck with a once a month or less sex rate?
Oh.
My sex rate was nearly every day from 2000-2007. Sometimes doubling up on the weekends, all over the house, anywhere.
During the affair, I was dropped to nothing for 6 months. Oh - btw, she STOPPED DOING EVERYTHING. No more cooking, helping, nice guestures a complete and total blowout.
In 2008 I did it approximately 2 times a month. At the time I noticed the sex would not make up for the poor treatment.
From 2009 to today I have done it 6 times. 2 of them in the last month.
She's feeling I'm getting my $hit back, and the other day said some crap like "Well, were still married on paper.". LOL.
Like you I could have never guessed it would be a complete and total blowout, and I could have never have guessed that verbal and emotional abuse can be totally heart wrenching, you'd rather it be physical abuse at times.
Got TWO kittens for my daughters today. W hates cats, but not really concerned with her likes and dislikes. My daughters are ecstatic! So nice to see them really happy for the first time in ages. The little buggers are cute too...
Ate dinner then went and worked out. W doesn't like that she's not part of this little kitty party, though she actually smiled a couple of times at their antics.
Feeling pretty good, a bit more detached, and tomorrow we go look at 1BD apartments for her on my lunch break. She made a point of mentioning that she has a session with our pastor tomorrow afternoon.
Should be interesting when she moves out. Oh, and last night she made a comment about not caring if I dated or not. Once she's out, I consider that a green light for casual dating, though anything physical would break my own boundaries.
Seems like your doing well with all this. I'm not sure, but why are you going with her to get her an apartment? It's almost cake-eating on her part, dont you think? She still has your security.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
