Remember the problems in your M didn't happen overnight and they won't be fixed overnight either.
I somehow feel you are not paying attention to her signs: private, no affection, not letting you see her unclothed, staying at friends house a coincidence?
Just because you try to convince yourself things are what they are don't make it so. She has had an A and IF she wants to make a go of the M she should be concerned with YOUR trust issues and WANT to convince of this by being transparent.
The fact that she doesn't offer that or refuses it concerns me.
However, you are in a power struggle with her and the A was to take back power. Extremely selfish but it is a battle for another day.
IMO she is not in this with both feet. Right now YOU are doing the pushing -MC, about A, etc.
I might suggest you pull back a bit. I said this a couple of posts ago. If she doesn't really want MC right now then don't push it. Step back and be cool and calm and say you know what You're right it might not be the right time for us to do this let's give it some time to settle in. You tell me when you think it's the right time.
Do nothing to manipulate her. It might be hard because she is detached from you. Her A and the years of the perceived injustices by you have pushed her there.
All you have gotten from her is words. No comittement. No actions to R
You need to keep focusing on you. Your changes.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Have been following your advice, True Gritter, and I see her somewhat "turning" toward me a bit more as a result...starting to disconnect a little bit and, as a result, do feel a bit more "in my own skin" and starting to realize a bit more how unhealthy our typical "patterns" are.
Am not talking about the R/MC and really leaving her be as much as possible. Next 2 weeks for her is very busy (not only her regular job, but a twice-yearly show that is even bigger is on May 24) - so her head certainly isn't in anything related to "us" but just surviving this rush (so know she doesn't need my "pressure")...
Mother's Day was OK, but had a little fight over something really stupid - she had wanted to leave at a certain time and we were 20 minutes late (because she was on the computer) - me and the kids were literally waiting in the car for her for over 10 of those 20 minutes - I mentioned (when she complained that we hadn't left on time) that we had been waiting and she got pretty mad about it (have no idea how she could blame anyone but herself), but, in the spirit of MDay and not wanting to ruin it, "fell on my sword" and apologized for saying anything (which I regreted later in the day, as I hadn't done anything "wrong")!
Started to bug me that she couldn't even admit the reason we were late (not in the scheme of things it really made a difference either way and wasn't a big deal) - just made me realize how she can sometimes blow pretty small things out of proportion.
Am planning to see our MC by myself again this week and don't plan to even mention it to her this week (though it is on our family calendar).
Agree overall that all of her "detachment" has been concerning to me, as I feel like I'm attempting to do all the work here (and that maybe this stepping back will make her feel like she has to start herself).
Will keep you posted on progress (or lack thereof)! Patience, patience, patience...
I think this is good. What is most important here is that you begin to focus on yourself. You have been doing all the work and also putting all the expectation on the M. She doesn't want to do the work and has no expectations. That's where you have to get to but not for the same reasons. She is indifferent. You want to save your M. She is running away from you and you were chasing her. See?
You will get somehwhat different advice from others on here that condone strategies. I don't. Stratgeies =expectations and expectations are the downfall of good men.
You have to put the focus on YOU and detach from the emotional trauma present in your M or you will get more of the same in terms of results.
When she argues with you for now just listen and validate her feelings. DON'T ARGUE. It doesn't mean you have to agree with her.
This could be a long road but the quicker you start it the quicker it will begin to be over.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
"Detaching" is really hard! Just feels like we have such a superficial R right now - talking about kids/schedules, a little bit about work frustrations/challenges, but that's about it. Feeling like we're back in our "old" bad "roommate" M.
W did ask me if I wanted to have lunch w/ her today, and told her I couldn't do it today (busy)...am starting to feel a little discouraged that this will ever "turn around" (and honestly my resentment over being the only person that seems to care about the M is starting to build up). Feel like I'm back to being the nanny/homemaker and nothing more.
Am going to GAL with a friend tonight and even took the MC appointment off our family calendar so there's no "pressure" to go (and don't plan to mention).
The good news is that I am feeling the concern over what she's doing/thinking starting to pass (and not worrying so much about her, but me).
The good news is that I am feeling the concern over what she's doing/thinking starting to pass (and not worrying so much about her, but me).
This should be your goal for now. Big goal saving your M. Little goal detach. This is a 180. It might feel weird but just give it some time. This is not a strategy this is for you to make changes. You cannot see yourself when you are constantly focused on your W.
Take care of YOU for now.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Just a few quick ancedotes after about a week of “detaching”. W has spontaneously hugged me out of the blue a few times and we’ve had pleasant (but short) conversations – no R talk and didn’t mention today’s MC appointment.
She has also asked me out to lunch (which I had brought up before as something that would be nice to do every week or 2, given we don’t have any “alone” time).
The most interesting one was, while we were hanging out at home last night (the whole family), she went into the bedroom and put on these high heels and walked around for a while with them on (I’ve commented in the past about these “sexy” shoes), almost “prancing” around to see if I would comment/notice. Of course, I noticed but didn’t let on – it was a little weird, actually.
She also wanted to go up to an event in another city this weekend but I have a work meeting the same night, so she suggested taking our boys up with her for the daytrip (which she would have never done in the past). I also had a GAL night out planned last night and she ended up changing her plans as a result (which normally should probably would not have done).
Guess I’m just journaling at this point, but nice to see a small glimmer of hope here with some of her efforts to move toward me (as opposed to being in her own little bubble of selfishness)…also feel like I have a much clearer head now, so thanks.
Had a good lunch w/ W - kept the conversation light and talked a bit about some of my needs (for time away/alone, etc.)...broke out of detachment mode a little bit too much (multiple kisses goodbye), but otherwise good.
She did ask me how I thought "things" were going (I said "OK", which felt a little deceptive) and that I had gone to see our MC this week (when she asked - told her I didn't bring up as I knew she was busy/stressed this week).
In my IC session yesterday, she does feel like I need to "push" her a little bit into MC (told her I'm letting this breathe for a couple of weeks at least through her huge work thing next weekend).
Also talked with her about why I accepted this behavior throughout our marriage (it not being about me much, which was my fault, not my W's as I didn't ask for any of that, losing myself in work/my kids as a way to avoid my M) as a "second class citizen" to everyone else. Agreed that detaching and figuring out what I want/need makes the most sense now (and to be a little bit more narcissitic/selfish was a good "180" for me).
Is also encouraging me to be more physical around her, which I have been doing (as I'm in the best shape of my life - started weight training about a year ago but lost about 15 lbs. in the last few months so look as good as I ever have)!
Just some journaling - pretty good weekend....all this detaching seems to be helping me get a little of my "swagger" back. w has been much more playful/a little flirtatious. For once, didn't let her occassional sour mood this weekend affect mine and I think validated well (instead of trying to solve).
Also had a 180 for me, sticking to my guns and staying home tp clean out our basement on Sunday instead of a roadtrip with w and the kids (which "old me" would have caved on)...not that it was fun, but something I wanted to do.
Had a good lunch out with W on Friday too - conversation pretty light (asked how I thought "things" were going and I said fine).
1 thing coming up - she's going out of town w/ friends in a few weekends (big craft show) in om's city - how to handle this?
Afraid even if she doesn't plan on meeting up she may be tempted (is staying w her friends there)....here's to a good week.
