I'm so mad about this (I know, detach) that I'm tempted to just file papers on her ASAP. I'm sure I'll cool down, but this venom, this hatred she displayed is just so unattractive. Maybe I should tell her that when I tell her that she's going to respect me whether I like it or not.
When a WAS brings up the R, especially blame parts about the past, how should the LBS react? Validate? Listen quietly like I did? Break off the discussion? I think I did the right thing, and I'm positive the boundary I'm going to set when she gets home is right, but should I have nipped it in the bud when she first went off? My gut tells me so...
I think many spouses want romance, but it fades in real life. This isn't the movies. Both spouses MUST keep feeding that side of a M or it dies. I explained to H this morning, (at my backsliding peril) that a sx life falters because one or both are angry and hurt, neither spouse wants to "give up" the hurt, both take an Alpha dog stance, and M get worse and worse until "the bomb" drops.
I am feeling same as you. I am tired, stressed out, burned out, every darn day, I would love to have a hug. I cannot sleep well, and when I do, I have bizarre dreams. I am worn out and think the whole M problems could be worked out and we could all have normal lives. Call me Pollyanna.
Yes, you and I and all others on this site have worked our butts off changing, acting happy when we are dying inside. The WAS seems to only focus on all the shitty things we did. I told H, I know you are hurting, we BOTH are.I also said that he was making a decision that greatly affects both our lives. I am sick to my stomach thinking of becoming another D statistic. Been there, done that already. 60% of second M's fail. I told H you'd think we'd both be smarter since we both were married once already.I also told H that people say they will "change" ( I said it many times), every time a problem comes up in M, but we really don't identify what it is we need to change and thus we fail to make any real changes. I made a list of what behaviors I used to do (still do at times) and doing the opposite behavior is now my goal. Sometimes I do great, other times, not so great. But I have been humbled to admit I need to change the negative behaviors.
I think you are stronger than you may be feeling right now. I see a strong theme in your posts. I think we take a step or two forward, feel "okay", then reality of it all hits us and we take a step backward.I think this is normal. Those of us going through this hell right now aren't wishing for a movie life like a WAS, we just want our LIFE BACK, so we can have a real chance to make it great. I really believe those of us on this site had a 2x4 moment and we are finally awake.
Your W will not have as high a quality of life as she currently has. HER choice, not yours. Stay strong on the money part. Your WAS will have to make sacrifices in her "new life". WAS's cannot have their cake and eat it too.
I'd tell her that going backwards (playing the blame game) is counterproductive. Validate her feelings, nod and say hmm, uh huh, etc, but state best to move forward, not relive the PAST. Remember DB is a SOLUTION based therapy.
Yeah, she used to control me with her moodiness, anger, etc. I see now how she tries to do the same thing.
In fact, as I had expected, she just called (I let it go to voicemail) and she said:
"I'm sure you're screening your calls, and I know I'm the last one you'd want to do a favor for, but I'm wondering if you would do a favor for me. Give me a call when you get this message, if you want to."
Sounded down, I'm sure she's depressed. Tough sh#t. Live in my life for a day or two...
I don't want to make out like I don't love my wife, or care for her. I do, more than ever. It's just that I don't like being manipulated, or used. I've been used by her for 8 years, so she could have "a family to match our house and neighborhood." That just makes me sick.
So many more things that I'm going to need to add to the list of issues to deal with if we ever come to a point of reconciliation. And that list seems awfully long now.
Luckily the W is working until 9:30 tonight, so I'm going to take my Ds over to their aunt's house and grill some steaks. That's going to be one benefit of separating, people will start wanting to do stuff with me. My W's boorish behavior has always discouraged people from inviting us over. Even family...
go have fun pin, have you ever marinaded steaks in Dale's marinade? yummmm anywho enjoy your time with the girls. I took the S and D to hooters, S is a flirt and the girls love him. Ya and I went to enjoy the "scenery" in any case do things for you, BTW what was the favor? or did you just ignore her?
Sounds like your WAW is miserable and is playing the victim. Maybe she will finally realize that leaving the M doesn't stop the hurt/anger/fear, etc. Her anger will stay with her until she deals with it. Anger= hurt and pain over a real or perceived loss.
My anger is what drove my H away. Your WAW sounds alot like me. BUT there are differences, Pinhead.I don't want to be considered like your wife, no offense meant!!!
My H is a tough man, very closed. I know H's reaction to my pain made my anger much worse than it should have been. But I own my anger.I should have controlled my emotions better.
Your WAW must have had some great qualities or you would not have been attracted to her in the first place. The good stuff gets buried under all the s--t. Sounds like your WAW is hurting ( I am not taking her "side" here), and never has known how to go about expressing hurt or going about getting from you, what she wants/needs.THAT has been MY problem in the second M and actually, the first as well. But I was only 18 and "blame" failure of M on being young and stupid. Am I old and stupid this time? lol
Anyway, it is up to each of us to ask for what we want, calmly and in a tone that is not accusatory. I would bet your wife has abandonment issues. I know I do. Again, I own them.
If my WAH had only said, "honey, I know you are are angry, scared, afraid, but we will work through this together", I may have been able to stop being hurt/angry early on in M. But he always told me "you're a crazy, out of control b---h, etc. It only added fuel to the fire within.
