Its tough to face this everyday. What makes this so hard for you and me is that we make logical, rational decisions on logical, rational thoughts with a sprinkling of emotion on the side. MLC'r would not know logic or rational anything. It is a warped world and in a way helps us know they have fallen and can't get up. A friend of mine stated it like this: Your W is in a pitch black room and can't find the string to pull to turn on the light. In fact, they don't look for the string at all most days. They would rather yell and scream at their spouse for putting them in that room first place. I was about to add more graphic humor of what goes on in that room in the mean time but I thought that would be rude, so I won't. It also won't say much about me taking the high road either and I find I struggle with that too. So one day they find the string and they see how much of a mess they made. There, I said it. Sorry if it is offensive but then I apologize. I take no credit for it, but it helps to use some humor over beer with a buddy to make some sense out of it all.
Okay, I'm going to say it. Play Devil's Advocate. This is a support board, and an excellent one, but there are times when I wonder if we are self deluded left behind spouses just helping each other through the pain. Don't yell! I don't believe in percentages or polls, I don't need specific marriages pointed out to me. I know it either will or it won't - that's all in God's hands.
On the other hand, maybe that's what we really all need, support from people going through the same HELL we are. I know if I didn't have this board I would be a lot unhappier and would not have come as far as I have in detaching.
In short, sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the happy mask the WS displays to the world; whether it's really a delusion and a mask, or if we are the one deluding ourselves that they are not happier without us.
On the other hand, maybe that's what we really all need, support from people going through the same HELL we are.
Do you think that any of us have not gone through almost exactly what you are going though?
Quote:
In short, sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the happy mask the WS displays to the world; whether it's really a delusion and a mask, or if we are the one deluding ourselves that they are not happier without us.
I believe that the mask they wear shows everyone happiness but they are NOT happy. It is erroneous thinking that they are happier without you. As you go further down the tunnel out of replay you see it all very clearly.
Sometimes you can see it clearly while they are in replay. They are in a massive amount of pain. Way more than the LBS. They also use it as their shield, trying to keep you from seeing it. Continue to learn and study and you will see this too.
I know we are all in the same pain, at different stages. Don't misunderstand. I pray and hope that you are right, that he is not happier without me, but, as others have said, sometimes it is hard to distinguish between reality and the so called mask. As humans, we start to question ourselves, blame ourselves, look for the cause.
The books everyone has suggested are very good, but knowing everything there is to know about MLC doesn't change the reality. And for all your knowledge, you don't DARE suggest to them that they are going through anything and that you understand.
If I asked my husband right now if he wanted to come home, what would he say? He's already made the remark "You wouldn't take my ass back". Plus, would we be happy? Nope. The proverbial rock and a hard place.
Punkin - I am glad you asked the question / last night was a little tough - you know "another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody" thing - so I'm trolling around the internet - reading whatever helps me keep the faith and keep moving forward. I hit that "rejoice ministries" site and there was some pretty helpful stuff there.
So I wake up at 3am - check on my S and find he and his friend and their girlfriends asleep in the living room (girls don't have curfew!!??) - so I wake them up - send girls home. Of course it was an "accident" - just tell son to go to bed. Process with him this morning - get the 16 year old's defense mechanism - I remain calm and try not to overreact - hug him before he leaves for his bb game. When he leaves - I break down again. Why doesn't H want me? What did I do? How was I so horrible to live with that he has walked out on me and my S and Ds? I am trying so hard to keep things stable and structured for S but I'm getting so tired. I have to work - I have to sleep - I have to be strong. H and I are NOT co-parenting - this is on me right now.
That rejoice ministries site's hosts are this couple who were married and then divorced 20 years later and then remarried and have been together another 20 years. He said that he did all the MLCr things (OW, $$, etc.) - but his wife, as the LBS was consistently herself throughout it all. She was consistent, faithful, etc. - and whatever the outcome she wasn't changing who she was. She even met the other woman and in a dignified manner told her the way it was.
I know there are no guarantees - but I have to figure out who I am in all of this - I know I am a stander at least for the next couple of years - because I am a mother to a teenage boy and I have girls in their early 20's. I feel like I HAVE to model for them the importance of the marital vows - even in the face of darkness. I feel like if I give in now ~ they will never know the power of recovery and forgiveness.
Do I sound crazy to you?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Check out my thread, as I didn't want to hijack on yours, and see what's going on this morning in my life.
I'm feeling more as I did in the beginning ( the roller coaster) of missing him, even at the expense of peace of mind. I'm tempted to email him and try to start a R conversation, even though I know that would be the wrong thing to do.
I do not envy you the teenager, but I may soon have my bipolar youngest daughter and her son back in the house with me.
Don't email him / or type it and save it. I've started a "while you were gone" list of a lot of the things that have gone on (good and bad) - I will probably never share it with him - but it helps me process.
If D comes back - and is ill - remember your own boundaries. Luckily though you may have a beautiful little boy to bring joy to your days and you can be a model to him of consistent love and support.
You are GREAT!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
The tunnel...wow my H was deep in his...and arrogant, proud, and stubborn...when he came back and realized what he had lost it was very quiet...not like his exit...don't think that it happens like in the movies where the man returns begging on bended knee...sometimes they return and want to act like nothing happened...how you handle this has a lot to do with the success of the tunnel exit, I believe... My H didn't want to admit he was wrong initially...but over time I could see it in his actions...don't look for a lightening bolt moment...I think those are very very rare... Now for the LBS being piled with all the blame...typical...I was the reason H was unhappy, the reason he had to work at jobs he didn't like, the reason that he had to leave his kids, I was even the reason he had diabetes! They can't possibly be responsible for abandoning their family, ruining themselves financially, risking their health and welfare...it HAS to be someone else's fault...OH YEA, the one that is right there...YOU, it must be your fault.
IB...I understand the blows it makes to your self esteem...I thought how aweful could I be that I would drive a man that dearly loved his children away from them too? How aweful that he can never imagine living in the same town with me? How aweful that he can't even look at me? How aweful that he would give up ALL his friends and his life of the past 25+ years just to get away from ME?...yep, went through all the questions...and you know what, the only thing I could do was work on what I agreed with...the rest was just fluff to allow him to do what he was doing... It isn't you...and you are doing great...keep your focus, the kids are noticing...I think it was my kids that had more impact on H initially coming back...then he saw the changes I had made and realized he could work things out WITH me..
I have been following your thread when I have time. Regarding your question above, 18 months ago when XH and I were working out the details of our D decree he told me that he was in love with his XW. (They were D'ed 13 years earlier ----- XH D'ed her because she had severe anorexia and OCD. She had been in treatment off and on for 5 years.) That hurt like heck too. His 1st wife is remarried and as far as I know he hasn't renewed their relationship since the bomb 23 months ago.
Fast forward to June of this year (21 months post-bomb). XH began reconnecting with me. Don't know where that will lead, but this is one more example of "Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do".
Lin and GAG - THANK YOU - THANK YOU - THANK YOU! I needed so much to hear what you've shared. I will keep moving forward. Right now my NC is for self-preservation. I'm hoping that I can begin to heal and recover. I am forever grateful! IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
