Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I need input. Please help

I have been through 5 years of MLC with my H. He has a fantasy OW who is not interested and has told him that.

He says he wants the M but here is the kicker. He keeps trying to engage OW in convo even after he has told me over and over that he will no longer talk to her and that he doesn't want me to talk to her either, the last convo excuse was this morning.

This is such a cycle. He says he wants the M but after a few months he makes up the dumbest reasons to talk to her. She tells me and i confirm with a friend of mine who i know to be honest just to make sure the truth is being told.

This cycle has to end. I am ready to be on my own if need be.
Sometimes I wonder if I make to much of this contact but when I think about it the circumstances say know given the situation.
I am thinking about confronting him with the recent contact and then telling him that when he decides what he wants out of this Marriage that he will know where to find me.

I just want to make sure I tell him in a fashion that will keep the door open and help in work through this once and for all.

I am not good at expressing things in words like I used to be as H i feel has stifled that in me for the most part as he never wants to talk and to this day has not discussed much at all.
Help
JAK

Hey there Jak.



Good for you a REAL Boundary, not one to make them do something but because you are ready for one.



Ahhh....but he doesn't. He is married to you AND still tries to engage in this OW...even though he said he wouldn't and it upset you and you told him not to and he lies about it...

See a trend here?


IF you want it to end...then you enforce the boundary.

IF you leave it up to him...well...


Thats like the farmer paying the fox to guard the henhouse.

Only one of the characters in the above sentence is going to walk away happy...and full from that scenario.

I AM READY I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT INTO WORDS THE WAY IT NEEDS TO BE SAID JACK.

OF COARSE THE DOOR CAN STILL BE CRACKED IF HE FIGURES HIMSELF OUT BUT....
THIS IS WHY IT NEEDS TO BE WORDED JUST RIGHT I FEEL

DO I SAY I AM DONE WITH THE LYING AND CONTACT AND JUST WALK AWAY?

Yes and I see that would be H. I am going to tell him that I am done with the disrespect, the lying and that we need to figure out how we are going to end this. (meaning the M)

Your caps lock is on. : )

I am not you. Other place might tell YOU exactly what you should do, or even what God told them to tell you to do

However, this is your life. I am not dodging a bullet here, I think that you should be in direct control of YOUR life.

I will point out that you a boundary is pretty much an ultimatium.

THIS or THAT.

If you do this, (usually bad behaviour) I will do that, (Punishment).

What I did with my wife?

"If he is in your life in any aspect, I will not be."

JoJo,
Is he still living with you? From your posting I have gotten the impression that you had a conversation this morning about the excuses for contacting the OW? Am I interpreting that correctly?

I'm with Jack on this one. If you are going to set boundaries, then you will need to enforce them, no waffling one bit. You state your case once and from there, it's all action. No more threats, no more discussions. It will be up to him to figure it out and come to the realization that you mean business about the ow and the contact. The more you waffle and threat and do not act, the more he'll continue to test the waters, i.e., just like a child.

Snodderly, Jack

Interesting what you say snodderly. Is he maybe going through acceptance and rebelling since the last contact was 8 mos ago in which he said he wasn't going to talk to her and asked me not to do the same.
He is trying to turn what he did around so that I look like the guilty one along with OW for contacting me. I told him we were not to blame. OW was respecting my wish to know about any significant contact( which she and I deem significant as it has happened twice with him waiting for her to strike up convo (which he denies says it was in passing, doesn't matter.
I told him that he has had an emotional affair with OW and because of that he should not be talking to her in any capacity if he wants our marriage. Told him if he wants a friendship with her and talk to her in any capacity, he can't have a marriage with me. His choice. He has yet to answer me and I will ask for the answer tonight. He has shut down as I knew he would.
Thank you Jack and Snodderly.

JAK

Yes Snodderly he is still living with me. Ow called me yesterday to let me know that he is again striking up conversation with her. H knows that I had asked her to call if any thing like that was to happen. He talked to her once a few weeks ago about a dying friend of ours and she let it go even though what he told her he knew that she already had the info.
but yesterday he waited for her(he says no, she said most certainly he did) so she decided to call me as she knew that it would get more frequent if she didn't.
She has made it clear to H and I that she wants him to leave her alone and not talk to her but the ass keeps trying. That makes me feel that he still has feelings for her. Doesn't mean it is so but it is the way I feel.

I think your h is still in replay. He wants what he can't have. The more the ow tells him to leave her alone, the more he will pursue her. I swear, he's just like a child, i.e., telling them to leave something along and they'll continue to pick at that item until they have it or have broken it.

I think both you and the ow need to go silent about his contact and not focus on it. The less attention he gets from this, the better.

Snodderly

Although I hate the fact that after 5 years of this he is still in replay I do feel you are right about wanting what he can't have but, you would think even a five year old would give up and forget about it.

I was thinking the same thing last night. He already knows that it is unacceptable and I left no gray area I don't think as to the consequences from here on out.

Thank you
JAK