Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives This train: rolling down a no-come-back track!

I feel it too Poet! I guilted my kids into going to church with me tonight because I get tired of going alone! Hey, it doesn't hurt them to go the odd time with me, it's at least the youth service tonight! But, lonliness is something i struggle with too. I was used to having a wife and family to do things with each weekend, someone to come home to on the weeknights and now I have a turtle. It's great having the kids every second week but they are at an age where they don't want to hang out much with Dad, I understand that. So, I try to keep busy with activities and my friends when we can get together but lonely is still lonely. I'm not complaining, I have a decent life but when you are coming home to an empty apartment it's sometimes difficult. So, I know what you're feeling Poet, I think we all do. Btw, it's OK to feel depressed for a day or two, sadness is a feeling and we each have it and the world won't end if we allow it a day or two. It's called being human. I'm still trying to convince myself of this fact !!! Hang in there.

Hi, poet

Sorry all I had time for Friday was this: Busy night.

I've poked around some, reading back a bit. And though I really know very little about your sitch it doesn't really matter. You, too, have been simply discarded...by the one person in this life who would never do that to you: the one universal life-altering fact that we all share here. Like whatsis so perfectly put it:Where are you, process-wise? I read your update, but specifically, what is Mediation in your state? Here in Conn. it's H & W sharing the same lawyer to rationally and maturely come to terms on the particulars (yeah, right!).

Like you, I came over to Surviving the Big D before the big D,when all hope was lot and D was inevitable and imminent.

More important, how are you? I know you said Which is it? "Always" or "sometimes"? (I know, I know.) Hell, I just came in from two minutes in the backyard garden X and I created and built side by side over many years. Two minutes was enough to get me all welling-up again, so I got out of there. Point is, it's just gonna take a looong time.

But I digress (I do that): How are you? Today. Overall.

Hi Gardner, Jeff and What,

Thank you all for writing to me. I've been totally alone in all this for probably about six months or longer, so it's nice having someone to talk to about me and my sitch. You all have been carving out a soft spot in my heart. (Gees I hope I'm not beginning to sound like I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve, even though I know that's exactly what I'm doing).

How am I today? Hmmm, well, I guess I'm OK. Slept til 11 a.m., got up but didn't go to church (first time I missed it in two years -- hmmmm, wonder what that means). Oh well, I did take a ride to the mall and bought myself some Victoria Secret items, which was nice. Took a gf to dinner and shared a pair of undies with her. Came home and slept for three hours, got up and watched Desperate Housewives. What a day, huh?

I am pushing the limit to getting my D paperwork done. I think the depression and procrastination is being used by my lopsided brain as an excuse for not getting it done. Gotta hop to it.

Does anyone have a solution for getting the paperwork filled out in a timely manner?

BTW, one of the questions he and his attny keep asking is about my employment. They want me to send them all original paperwork about my employment history for the past 5 years. The only thing I can think of is that they want to prove I can't keep a job because I can't get along with people etc., etc. I guess that's what is depressing me; him brining up the garbage of my past to make me look bad. What's worse? A wife who can't keep a job, or a husband who spent a lot of marital funds on other women???

Sorry for the rambling.

I'm good right now. Thanks for the thoughts!

poet

poet,
Well that sounds like a fine day - sleep-in, mall, VS, undies , gf dinner & couch time.

What does your attorney say about tje seemingly irrelevant employment paperwork requests? And as far as paperwork procrastination, I usually say pick one thing - the most daunting. Don't think of it as"gotta", "shoulda","haven't yet but as "wanna" as in I wanna get this damn thing off my to-do list and out of my mind for good!

And wear your heart on your sleeve and ramble away - and don't apologize for either. That's what this place is here for.

Hi all,

I've been out of commission for the past few days. Thank you for hanging in there with me.

First off, Jeff, I must tell you how much your words mean to me. We've been at this for a looong time. I can still remember the first time you told me, "if his lips are moving, he is lying." I didn't want to believe it then, but so much has come to light since then, that it's impossible for me to stay naive any longer. I was on the verge of denial forever. But, it's so in-my-face that it's impossible to believe otherwise.

For instance, I was in the library yesterday, when "guess-who" walked in. Yes, there he was, and he sat down at a computer in the middle of the afternoon, and I walked up behind him to see what he was so intently studying up on. Of course it was a girlie Web site. (Probably shouldn't say the name of it here). I walked out and then walked back in to make sure I was right. He never saw me; not even once. I was quiet as a mouse and not even the others around him turned around to see me. (I felt like a detective).

So, you are right, he's lost himself to some very sad sickness and has no clue that he's even there. It was so pathetic, looking at him slumped over a computer, surrounded by other men his age. I cannot believe this is the man I married.

You know what the irony of it all is??? Ten years ago, I was the only one who used a computer. He didn't even know how to. He came to me one day and said, "I read in the paper that people who use the computer are depressed. It causes depression."

What, Thanks for your comments. I am embarrassed that I even said I was feeling so alone in my journey. Pain IS pain, and we all have it. That's why we're here - to support each other, to grow and eventually move on. So, I did a search last night and found a Web site for "spouses of sex addicts." It turns out that I have my own addictions to, what they are calling, "acting out." Haven't read much on it yet, but, I plan to. Sounds like there may be something there. After all, I've been struggling with similar demons for a lifetime. Thanks for the kick/inspiration to search out my own answers.

Gardener, I'm glad you are here. Surviving is surviving for all of us. I saw part of your recent journey and I understand your will. It is strong, and alive and good. When "whatis" explained his story, I could SEE how, because his sitch involved being left for another - same sex partner - that it wasn't HIS FAULT. But it is very difficult for me to feel faultless in mine because it involved sex, which could conjure up all kinds of images about blame and shame. We must always remember that it is not about who we are, or are not, but about who THEY are, or are not.

About the paperwork, I'm going to start on it today, thanks to you. And to answer your question about mediation in my state, FL. I'm not yet clear on it because I haven't been through it yet. Mediation is set for April 15. I do know we each have our own lawyers and will be sitting in a room with them and a mediator, who has a lawyer background. The mediator will try to disolve the marriage quickly -- in a couple of hours -- with assets, personal property etc.

I asked to have a mediator with a counselor background but the attorneys for both parties rejected it. Oh well, it is what it is.

BTW, if anyone is Catholic, I am reading the seventh reading at the Vigil Celebration on Saturday, April 3rd at my church. It is a huge ceremony here, with a bonfire out in front of the church that lights up the alter a 100 yards away. There will be baptisms, communions and insence during the 3-hour ceremony.

cheers to all,
poet

Well, I went to church yesterday and, since we celebrated Palm Sunday, it was the Passion of the Christ! I had been doing very well as of late, no emotional turmoil, mostly just calm moments, one after another to fill up my days.

Yesterday was no different, until church. It was a moving experience for me, but tears flowed during the service. I couldn't help thinking about how Christ loved us so much and died for us. The tears came because I'm thinking, how am I supposed to be Christlike when I'm going through all this turmoil?

I spoke to my favorite priest after the service, who calmed me a little. I told him how I was "feeling" and that loving someone who had done so much harm to me was/is "hard." He said, "Well (poet) that's why you are (poet) and not angel poet. You're not archangel (poet)." We both got a good laugh out that. It was a bit of comic relief, which he is good at causing. So, I'm grateful, but a bit of a weepy washy. Oh well, life goes on...

peace,
poet

Good Morning,

Woke up this morning thinking about my H and how I still love him and hate him for what he's done. It's a tough world.

Thanks for listening.
poet

Poet, it's a rollercoaster ride. For a while you feel like you're getting on with life and then it hits you again. The trick is not to put too much credence in the downs or the ups but to accept that this is the way you are today and recognize that either one will not last. I find that I put way too much credence in both the ups and downs and am therefore overly concerned when a few good days suddenly out of nowhere become a down day or two. The ride will even out but it takes different times for different people. I used to think that "in X time so and so should be over it" but now that I'm there I realize that this is not a beast that can be tamed in a specific time period. It's a devastating life event, probably and hopfully the worst you'll ever go through. Be kind to yourself and seek out support as you did by approaching your priest. I've met with my Pastor a few times, most recently when my best friends wife left him. It's amazing what comes up emotionally when something like that happens to a good friend. My Pastor sat and listened to my talk and cry for two hours and at the end he hugged me and thanked me for trusting him. It helps! You will overcome, just be gentle with yourself, OK?

Hi All,

My name is NeverSayDie and I have decided to jump over to this board because of my current situation. I just read through all the postings here and many, many things spurred a memory (good and Bad) in my current situation.

I am on week 3 since WAW filed and have just returned home last night from 10 day business trip out of the country. Those have been hard over the last few years as it always seems something bad happens when I return home (lat year, same business trip, I came home to an empty house as that was the time she decided to move out) so sitting on the long plane flight home always prompts memories and thoughts of what has happened over the last few years as well as lots of good memories of us traveling together to fun places in Europe !! It is hard, for sure and the Ups and Downs talked about here are the hardest to deal with.

Anyways, "this too shall pass" it just a really bumpy ride getting to that point!

NSD

Hello What and NSD,

Thanks for stopping in on my thread. What, you are a great inspiration. I can remember two years ago (almost) the state of mind you were in. You've come a long way, baby!

NSD, my worst moments, too, were remembering the good times we had and trying make sense of it all. Don't worry, it will get better. After my WAS has done all the hurtful things he did to me, it's hard to even feel any remorse anymore. I am beginning to feel like I just want it over with.

Last night, I went to Seder Supper, a large church celebration. Any when I got to my car, there was a voicemail from H, telling me that I need to fill out the census and send it back. (Apparantly, he inadvertantly pulled it out of the mailbox, and then returned it). By the way, that was the first time I've heard from him in over a month. He never calls unless it's to reprimand, or scold or reprove, or warn.

Anyway, I didn't understand all he said, so I called him back, during which I asked if he were planning to file separatly or together. He said separately. Oh well. That's the way it has to be, I guess.

I also asked how much money he made last year, to which he replied. "No, poet, that's all on the financial discloser etc., etc." And he hung up on me.

I started to cry and called him back asking to please tell me, since he already has my financial info. It was painful that he has to be so hateful. And, this time, he didn't answer the phone. So, I left a message. I left on the message to please don't call me anymore. I said every time he contacts me, he's rude and hurtful, and I cry, etc., etc.

My H has always been an "a\@h%@e" to which I've always forgiven. But, my peace of mind has come to be more important than getting a mean person back into my life. Oh well, thanks for listening.

poet