Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

NM - I am going to keep my last name so it is the same as S's, at least unless I get remarried. I also don't want to go through the hassle of changing it mid school year and changing the mail, bank, Soc, lisence, etc...just too much of a hassle.

Major questions today!!!!!!!

1. H came for S's doc appointment and asked if I would be home tomorrow or Friday. I said tomorrow I would, but Friday not, and he said ok because I am buying a refrigerator for the house. He said that he has the money and knows ours was not the greatest. I said i would have to think about it. ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!! I say if he is going to give me stuff I might as well take it because honestly I am not going to get a dime from him in the D, but on the other hand this isn't his house and I don't want him bringing this us to manipulate me. ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. H hasn't told anyone except his parents and one teacher at school that we are Ding. The funeral and viewing for Aunt are Friday and Saturday. Here is this question, how should I handle everything? No one knows yet so should I not do stuff with the family although we are Ding because a funeral is not the time to bring this up or should I just go and stay away from the family and if anyone asks just let H explain? ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!

About today, H came and everything was ok. I went to have him sign the summons, but he wanted to wait so I said ok. We drove together. He asked if that would be ok a while ago and I said yeah because it will help S with this transition to know that we are still "friends" (more just nice to each other). At the doc, I know H must have felt weird because I did all the talking. Everything was I did this or I do that, etc. H helped with S because he was fussy and showing off for daddy so not very good.

We then got S new shoes and H paid. We stopped by another store so I could pick up some things I needed while we were out there. Then we came back home. H read the papers and signed them. I again asked if this is what he wants and he said he didn't know. I was honest and said this isn't what I want. I want to stay married, but I have to stay strong and focused. I also need to do this to protect myself. I also told him I did this because he lives in a fantasy where we are a family and married, but I live in the reality. To his family and friends, we are still married and he lives here at home. Has not been the case for 16 months. Even today he said that when coworkers ask about me he says I am excited to start a new school year in a new room, but never once says we aren't together. He still is wearing his wedding ring. He is keeping this persona that he is a wonderful husband and father, when he isn't either. I told him that I want to stay married, but he would have to change a lot and talked about something I read from 10 years ago that could fit in our sitch now. I also said I don't know if it is possible with all the time that has passed. He has his life and I have mine and with all the mistrust and everything, can that be fixed? So I was honest. I don't want this divorce and will stand by that fact. I even told my L that, but it is something I have to do. I truly feel this will be the biggest mistake in H's life and he will regret it for forever, but once again he proved to me he won't try. He cries about Ding, but won't tell me he doesn't want this. He just keeps to his "I don't know". It is all so sad to me because I can see how miserable he is. The only thing he does is be with OW or be at work. I am out doing all kinds of things. Oh well...it is the life he chose and that is his problem.

He left and gave me a hug, which I allowed because honestly, one day, we will probably be friends again or more aquaintances, and I give hugs so no big deal. I am not upset or sad, just one of those days.

Awest,

I would take him up on the refrigerator offer. Why not?


As for the funeral, if people ask, just tell them you're not together and leave it at that. If they pry and you are uncomfortable, tell them you'd rather not talk about it. Kapiche.



And that's just it. He doesn't know. And you do know that you can't stay in limbo forever while he decides what he does and doesn't want.

::Paging Brenalim!::

I think we all are dealing with the same version of 3 men!

Question for the board: didi you guys get a lot of "I don't know" from your spouse's end regarding the D?

Awest, you're doing fine and be glad you KNOW what you want. Not knowing sounds like it would be insane.

I'm also wondering... how effective is DBing? Like, what are the stats for people on this board for making their M work?

Awest, so sorry to hear about H's Aunt! It's always tough no matter whose side of the family it is on. There is definitely no reason not to go, unless it really makes you feel that uncomfortable. I think Soleil has the right idea to just avoid the topic if you can (but no need to avoid the family all together) and just give them the simple answer that you're not together and don't want to discuss it futher. No need to go into the whole D thing. They'll find out soon enough.

Regarding the fridge, definitely take him up on it (if he follows thru). It's only maniuplation if you let him manipulate you. Right now tho, you're the one in charge. Right now your on the D train and there's only one way off, and getting a fridge is it. Take what you can while you can - I think that's the least H could do.

Well you know too "I don't know" is the easier cop out. Sometimes I think "I don't know" is really less about not knowing what they want then really knowing but wanting it all. H knows exactly what he wants - he wants you on one side to have the nice happy family and keep up that front and OW on the other side for what appears everything else. You're just doing what you've got to do to protect yourself now b/c no one can continue living a life like that no matter how much they want to avoid a D. Even so, it's not easy. I'm glad your trying to find the positive though in your new outlook on life and continue to look toward the future.

Soleil - I was wondering the same thing. In theory, DB should work, but it seems like these spouses are just too stubborn & selffish to give up whatever crutch they have (more often that not OW's or OM's). Obviously there are the success stories, but there just seem to be a lot of us in these more bleak sitch's.

With the funeral I want to clarify...

With me at the funeral and staying for everything, no one would ask a question. They know we are separated so that is not a problem. The problem is if I were to leave. Then everyone would ask questions because I am at all the family functions. This would be huge to have me not stay and that would cause questions, especially because it is S's weekend with H and the family NEVER sees S without me. So my question is do I go to the after funeral family stuff and not have to worry about questions, or do I not go and have some people ask just because they will wonder where I am at?

With the frig some of my family said I shouldn't take it because it could harm the D process. Because he is buying me such a huge item, it could negatively affect the D settlement. I still don't know, but if H brings it up again I will decide then.

Very tired because I am trying to get up early. I am also having some strange pains on the side that I hurt when I fainted so I am a little worried about that. I think it is a muscle thing and got irritated from me lifting S, moving stuff in my room, etc. Just over doing it because I hurt the muscle pretty bad, but still something I am worried about.

Don't stress about the funeral. Do what you want to do. Don't decide based on whether it will cause drama. It's not like it's going to change anything either way.

Who cares if they ask questions after you leave? It'll just force him and the family to confront the ugly truth.

The fridge? Do you need one? If so, accept it. Doesn't he owe you thousands in mortgage money? My guess is you aren't going to get any of that back anyway -- or much.

If you think he's giving it to somehow stop the D process then that's another thing.

I would give a quick call to the L just in case. You don't want to do anything to jeapordize the proceedings against you, which I don't think him buying you a fridge would, but it's definitely better to be safe than sorry. Also, from the outside, I would say just take it - he owes you that much, but with you in the middle of the sitch, how would it make you feel? Would it be hard on you to see a fridge that H bought every day (although since it was your guys house, there might be a lot of stuff like that) or would you feel indebted to him in anyway? Probably not, but it's good to just look at it from a legal and personal point of view too.

For the funeral, yes you guys are Ding but it's still your and S's family too. You should definitely go and support the family. Just do what you have been doing this past year regarding family functions, and if they want to talk, let them talk. If you want to go then go, if not, then don't, but don't let your decision be based on what they might or might not say. One way or another it will all come out eventually, and you can just continue to hold your head high b/c you tried with all your heart to save your M.

Oh no, take it easy, girl! We definitely don't want any relapses. You've been thru a lot, so just continue to relax more and go to the dr if it continues to act up!

Went to the viewing and everything was good. I had asked H previously if he wanted to switch weekends so I had him this weekend since he had all of this stuff, and he said no, but yesterday he only really hung out with him for 1 hour. The rest we were at the viewing.

The viewing I sat with all the cousins. It was no problem and I fit right in like I knew I would. I talked to the cousins about their lives to his aunts and uncles. I mean it was no big deal. Then I noticed something very big. In high school and really all my life I have been a social being. I love to talk to people and get to know them. While at the viewing, H sat all by himself the entire time. Completely away from the family. S sat with him for a while, but S is like me. He is shy for a while, but then once he warms up will hang around people. That is what S did last night. Once he warmed up, he wanted to be near me because I was near the people. H still just sat by himself. I was asked to go eat with the family and everything. H just sat there and left with S. He didn't really talk to anyone. Very sad.

I gave MIL a hug, but she was very why are you here and when are you leaving. She kept saying "thanks for coming" and it felt like she was pushing me out the door. FIL wouldn't look at me. Of course he knows everyone so he was talking a lot.

Today is the funeral, but I am ok with it and not worried at all. H was very strange when he dropped off. He was upset and seemed mad. I had him drop S off at my parents because my step-sister and nephews are in town this weekend and S loves to play with them (he actually cried for the first time to not leave because he wanted his cousins). I don't know if H noticed what I did about he viewing or what.

Some may think I am putting on a show because when H and I were together I would have sat with H and not talked to anyone because I thought that was normal for his family. H didn't like to talk to people so I would feel bad leaving him alone and would just sit and talk to him. That wasn't me. I am the social person who likes to talk to people and hear about what they are doing, but I am not worried about what they think because deep down I believe they know I am not putting on a show because of how I have done all kinds of stuff with the family all year long.

And you shouldn't worry about what they think because you were being authentic and genuine! I have learned that if we are being "real," then no one has the right to judge us or be critical.

Way to handle the situation! You just stayed true to yourself and who you are and nothing else matters at this point. I hope the rest of your weekend went well! =)

Been very busy with the funeral and work. Now I can post a little. At the funeral everything was good until at the end when they decided to take family pics. My inlaws know what is going on, but asked to have me in the pic. So weird. I spent the rest of Saturday crying because I will miss the family.

On the H front, we talk everyday for a bit...totally weird. We decided it would be good for S to talk to H every day so H calls at 6 everyday. When S is done talking, if he didn't explain things well, I explain it to H. Then he talks for 30-60 minutes about his day. What he always wanted...a friend, but not a wife...a family, but no responsibility everyday. We won't be talking after this week because I am going to put an end to it when he starts talking about his day, but this week is crazy so I am being nice.

Work is good so far. I am a mentor to a girl who isn't great and my department head didn't want to hire but she was the only applicant. I will have to work with her a lot and right now she doesn't share much.

My department head found out last weekend that her brother has inoperable brain cancer so she will be gone a lot and I feel so bad for her, but she said between me getting D'd and her tragedy...that is why our school is so great...we are there for each other, and we really are. It is like one big family.

So far one student asked if I was married and I just said not anymore. Very hard to do. Also my door is still Mrs...so that is hard at times, but I am doing well, and my huge cry on Saturday is what I needed.