not at all. it's called learning. as a child you learned what you are capable of and made mistakes and got hurt. as an adolescent you tried new things and sometimes your succeeded and sometimes your didn't. you developed. as an adult you never stop learning.
in a relationship, its somewhat like looking in your dictionary for a new or different word to use. you never really know what you will find and sometimes what you taught the meaning of a word was out context for how you intended it to read. you didn't throw anything away. I don't think one should think that way if they plan on being successful.
I need to start over. There's no OM. Just a wife who's felt neglected for years. Are the same DB strategies (especially) the LRT valid? She's still 'confused' and not sure whether to stay and work on things or to go. Should I lead things towards either path or just wait til she drops out of limbo?
I've been reading Robx's original thread for inspiration, since my sitch will soon be where his thread seems to have started.
I decided to lead today. Got back from signing the lease on my Honda, and decided that it was time to set things right.
I asked my W to step outside while I cleaned the bbq, and said that we should decide now about our Golden Retriever. We both agreed that giving her to this family would be the best thing for her.
After that I said that I needed to know what she wanted for us. She said that she thought she still needed space, to move out. I said ok, agreed that we couldn't be happy with the way things are right now in the house. I pressed her to look at this 1-bedroom nearby. She really wants into this nice subsidized townhome complex nearby, but she doesn't know how long it'll take for an opening. I'm not going to have her stay here for 6 months. So we agreed that we would both look at the 1-bedroom this week while waiting for a letter from the housing authority telling her how far back she is on the list.
So that's progress. I acted confident and strong. Made sure that she understood that it wasn't really what I wanted, but that I accepted her choices. We had some small talk about which furnishings would go where etc. and no real conflicts.
The hard part now is co-parenting while doing the LRT. I'm obviously not detached enough, so that's something to work on. It's just really hard to balance everything I feel and everything I should do. I want to be nice, friendly, kind and social with her. And I am. But I think that I'm expecting that to change the way I feel about her. She likes that, because there's less conflict, as well as liking the attention. I originally typed that it makes us closer, but only closer in a friend way, straight towards the Pit of Friendship.
But it's also painful to me because I haven't detached enough. Perhaps I won't be able to until she moves out.
I don't know that it could be worse. Hanging on every word and action is just stupidly painful. It's very hard to detach when I see her so much, and spend so much time around her.
I wish mine was here. If I could get mine back home it would be all down hill. Our situation is a crazy long one and they all are different. Thats why to me saying we derserve a 2nd chance was a HUGE change from I want a divorce. And the fact she said she has thought about coming home. Every time I come home and see a empty drive way, I die inside. I know my wife and kids are not inside.
Im happy its Sunday tomorrow. Church will get me going again.
I'd like to think that my relationship was a special snowflake, and that all I needed to do was keep doing what got me here. But for me IT OBVIOUSLY ISN'T WORKING. And more of the same isn't working either. For example, that retarded note I gave her. Sure, she liked it. But it also reminded her of how broken our M is right now. It did nothing to change her feelings except to remind her of the state of our relationship. NOTHING I DO IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT.
The only thing I can change is how I act; I can't change my feelings, just need to accept them, and keep them from controlling my actions.
My values are that I want to be a good father. A good man. A good husband. I have to put the last on the backburner now.
Being a good father is going to be easy for me. Being a good man, will be harder; it means being kind to my W, being nice, being loving when appropriate. Accepting her feelings and emotions without trying to control them. Accepting that my emotions may be pain, loneliness, hurt, anger, but not letting them stop me from ACTING the way I want to.
I have to accept that God's plan for me will work out. That my faith will protect me. That God will look out for my wife when I cannot.
