Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

rejection. and knowing that he has hurt me and doesn't care.
no, this is not mind-reading. in the past, he has said things that hurt me and when i told him how much it hurt me, all i got was a blank stare and a "i don't know why you're hurt. i stand by my comment."


i don't think about whether others have noticed my change in attitude. i try to keep the focus on myself. i still have a long way to go. hopefully my changes have made me better and not worse.

It doesn't sound like he was very caring at that moment. How do you think he might have been feeling?

Are you caring about how he feels when you get in your digs?

Did you care how he felt when you went icy cold and passive aggressive at Christmas?

Do you feel more valuable and lovable when you punish people when you feel hurt by them?

i think he was afraid to admit his own fears. it's not manly to admit you are afraid when your wife is clearly not.
ie. i was ready for a baby and i wasn't afraid. but he was and instead of admitting his own fears, he projected it on to me.

i only learned about projection after the d-bomb was dropped. i took it personally when i first heard it. then after the d-bomb, i sought ic because things started to not make sense for me. and it wasn't until then that i realized what was going on.


i've been through this discussion before.
two wrongs don't make a right. it is not the mature way to handle things.

i understand it isn't the right thing to do.

i'm out of practice which is why it concerns me. i can talk about it all i want but when faced with a real situation, will i buckle? will i continue to dig? the boards are all text based so nobody can hear the tone of my speech or see the look on my face when i'm saying it.

i know how bad the "look" and the "digs" are. believe me, there are several posts about this. i get it. but practice, practice, practice.

I get the impression that you are mostly practicing 'what to say' and doing it without emotion. If so, you might find it more productive to practice changing your emotional state, i.e. moving from hurt to compassion, instead of hurt to anger. That's what that Stosny guy is good at teaching.

If you are feeling loving towards him, that will come through.

yes, it's hard to put together a statement.
how long should it be? i don't think it should be a speech.

you know what it feels like? going on a first date and trying to impress a guy you really like but you're too shy and you're afraid you're going to say something stupid .. my run-on statement of the day. sigh ..

but i don't know what my "compassionate" look looks like.
i'm also concerned that his posture/look might throw me off and trigger me to dig. because i'll be trying to negotiate in good faith and if he gives me a hard time just out of spite, i will be discouraged.

in all honesty, i only wanted what was best for us. no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive.

Love is patient, love is kind.

Work on your patience. This is going to be like going on a date with a 3 year old in some ways.lol.

Understand that trigger. What is it really? Here lies snakes. Do you see it? Is the "dig" healthy at this stage of your life? Drop the rope so you can handle it no matter how he responds.

because it is coach asking, i'll be honest about this one ..

although part of me would be okay if he found someone else, i wouldn't be able to handle it. i have no proof .. just my own intel but you hear so many people on this board say that if 99.99% of the people here have a WAS involved with OP. even those who say there isn't, is in denial.

yes, i can't control who he sees. but a whole bunch of snakes cover my brain.

... if he's seeing someone now, how do i know it wasn't going on before the d-bomb was dropped? how could *I* have been so stupid? so blind? so naive? and just so so stupid?!

... how do i know there wasn't more?
... i could never take someone like back. i read allen_a's earlier posts and he's right that even if you take them back, you will not want to be near your WAS because you can't stop picturing them with OP. you feel like your spouse is "dirty" or 'tarnished' with the OP's germs and then it cycles again .. how do you know he won't do it again? how could you be so naive? and did i mention how stupid can i be?

so when i try to form my statements .. i often end up saying stuff like .. my l wanted me to talk to you about our separation agreement. it looks like you're likely to owe me $10k. i know you want to move on with your new piece of trash gf so i was wondering whether we can work out a deal?

dumpling, that's mind-reading! i scratch that .. and restart.

i wanted to know if you were interested in working out the separation agreement ourselves without our ls because it's in our best interest to minimize the legal fees. are you okay with that?
i figure if we come to an agreement ourselves, we can hurry this along.. as i'm sure you're anxious to d-file so you can stop making secret rendez-vous trips with your new skank.

again, that's mind reading!! i scratched that too.

infidelity is the ultimate betrayal for me. because i had full trust in him. and you know what the real kicker is, coach? i'm only admitting this to you ..

and that is .. that i can't stop competing. and being cheated on, feels like i lost. it's like losing face. how was i so stupid to not see this coming? why am i coming out of this looking like the idiot who didn't even know her h was cheating on her? i can't believe i was tricked into believing he was trustworthy?

you know what else i'm afraid of? that my dad will have another hurtful comment for me. that i was so stupid that someone actually tricked me into giving them my "flower". it's the whole "he tricked you into having sex and you fell for it, you dumb whore." it's the reason why i have not told my father about my separation. i didn't really cry over the d-bomb. but i have cried a few times in fear of going home. i chose not to go home because i didn't want my father to kick me while i was already down. i told my mom to let me stay away for the next year while i heal. when i am back on my feet, and my father deals me a blow, it might not hurt as much. but please don't make me go home when i am already on my knees.

i had no reason to believe my h is or was cheating. even now, i don't really have any leads. but when you read some posters say things like "99.99% of the LBSs are being cheated on whether they know it or not". so .. is my head really buried in the sand? is that happening to me and i'm just really naive? if i stay in my naive mindframe, and it ends up being true ... then i will feel like i lost.

so that sore loser anger takes over .. and i dig at him to say .. i know you are cheating on me, don't hide it from me, you are busted. you couldn't keep that a secret from me. i figured it out!

it's like trying to one-up him.

now .. vets, please don't jump on me. what i just did above, was not meant to be a 'crazy' post. i basically told you word-for-word what goes through my mind and why this infidelity thing bothers me so much.

you did it again, coach. you are making me open up about my fears.

i've started a thread with allen_a to figure out whether my h has that infidelity gene in him. it might calm my fears.

i read the quote about the 50 signs of infidelity and 90% of the things listed don't apply to my h. 9% of it checks out fine. the remaining 1% is unknown.

his friends and colleagues don't believe he would cheat or find someone else. when he says he'd rather be alone, he would. he's not a womanizer, far too picky about women (but not gay), and just too shy.

but from this board, if i don't believe he's left me for OW, then i have my head buried in the sand. do i?

sorry for the rambling.

Mine never had anyone the first time, and I'm pretty sure doesn't have anyone this time.

He has been online looking at porn before, so there is that--but right now there is nothing with a real human.

I too went nuts looking for it--but the "signs" just aren't there--the mad testing/phone calls, emails--nothing. He can barely type, he is depressed, has gained weight, is supsicious of strangers--unless someone REALLY came on strong, he wouldn't respond. And he is suspicious of people that DO come on strong....

I sometimes don't know how *I* got him!lol.

From all the lurking I do over in Infedelity, if that is the case with mine OR yours, we would both do better to completely drop the rope, and that would be my plan. They say that about 10% of the truth darts will "stick" if there is no affair, and if there IS one, the percentage is miniscule. I NEED my darts to stick!!

If you get on "friendly-ish" temrs with your H, you can just basically ask the question--are you seeing anyone? and see what he says. Some guys I am sure realize this is NOT a good time to start another R. Yours may be one of them. And if you don't act hurt and all that, he may just be honest with you.

Just be very nonchalant--hey, H, it doesn't matter to me at this point, I'm just wondering...

If he says yes, just quietly say "OK" or whatever and come back here and scream!lol. He didn't "win", you didn't "lose". You know the truth, which is FAR BETTER than what you are doing to yourself.

I think it was right to stay away from your dad--he definitely has "issues". Try not to let anything he says "stick" with YOU --they are NOT truth darts he's throwing at you!!

you and i are alike .. even in the mistakes we make! lol.

but you are ahead of me. you've seen this before so you have a good perspective. how you managed to get your h to tell you what was going on in his head the first time around, is impressive. that's like getting the caramilk secret.


so what you're saying is that i need to throw a lot of truth darts.


the thing is .. the competitive person in me would be one who would go out and cheat before him because he was going to cheat on me anyway. i have to do it before he does - already assuming that he would. that kind of competitive mentality. but i stop myself from doing that. it would make me the lesser person. it wouldn't solve anything.

that's why in the earlier posts, you hear me rant on how i should just go out and find someone. as if drinking poison was going to kill him. but really, it would kill me. the effect on me would be worse. and i thank everyone for stopping me from doing crazy things like that.