Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis And so it goes

L,Based on what you said about seeing previous guy alone and how your H felt about it, I'd say don't jeopardize it by seeing him alone. If your H keeps wanting to see him that's more than half the battle right there.

If your H starts refusing to go then I'd check into seeing whether the MC will see you by yourself.

seeking..thanks for the good advice. I think I'll take it!!

I'll ask the new MC in front of my H if he wants to see us alone at any point..and then if he says yes, I'll mention the 25th..otherwise I'll cancel it and just keep going together.

Excellent idea!

Have any of you guys noticed that there are several people who you thought were your really good friends, aren't really? The reason I say this is because I have briefly explained some of what is happening with my marriage and most of them have not even bothered to call and see how I'm doing. I think that's weird.

I have a small support group..my bro, my BFF and another really close girlfriend who I talk to at least a couple of times a week, if not daily and they actually call me to see how I'm doing. The other friends that I'm speaking of, know that I'm going thru a really rough time as a result of conversations we've had while exchanging Xmas greetings, etc..and haven't heard from them since. Maybe they don't feel comfortable asking about it. I just know that if they were going thru this, I would be calling to show my support. But I guess we're all different.

L,

I was thinking (I do that sometimes) maybe you could run it by your H first and ask him if this MC offers separate sessions how he would feel about each of you meeting with MC both together and alone.

That would at least show your H you are considering how he would feel about meeting with the MC alone and show him that you're not ganging up on him if he had equal time.

Just an idea. Maybe some others will have a different perspective and opinions.

I am not sure you want my opinion but here goes.

I went to 6 months of MC. We finally quit when my W refused to work on our marriage and we really were not accomplishing anything.

My wife used the counseling to justify her desires to get a divorce.

I think in retrospect no MC can do much with someone who is in MLC. Maybe MWD as they seem to be very experienced at it here. Both parties have to be commited to trying to fix the marriage for MC to work. In DB'ing one person can work on the marriage by themselves.

Hi Taylor,
How are you doing?
I can see by your posts that your in a place you want to be but
don't want to be. You are glad that you are both seeing a C but
are frustrated with the process.
About the friends thing, you will know who your true friends are
through this. The friends that don't want to know how you are doing are either scared or don't want to get involved. You will know who they are. The ones that don't want to get involved have
no clue what this is all about. Realize that this is heavy sh!t
for most. I never knew how this could be such a nightmare. I really believe not many could handle this going on in their life.
It takes special people to see this for what it is and then live
their life to work at some kind of a sanity for themselves.
I know about free will from God but it just seems like this is
a test put in front of us to be better. Not that we were not
very good before, but gee, could we not have at least had a "heads up" first. Guess it would not matter anyway because this was going to happen no matter what. I can see that now and it doesn't make it any easier but it does make more sense on something that did not make any sense at bomb. That my friend, is
a good thing! It verifies it is the MLC'r not us. We get this
opportunity to look at ourselves and face our demons too. Forget
about it not being fair. I could list a million things that are not fair in a sinful world.
We get this on our plate for now. The LBS's that report back say
it was the best thing for them. That is a tough pill to swallow.
We will get through this and we are going to be better in the end.
My W and I have separate sessions with IC. It works better for
us because he helps her face her demons. With me present, all it
does is help her put her mask on and spew. The lies that come out
do not help at all but the C knows this and just lets W vent.
I don't get to vent. Never get to vent. Probably will not get to vent. I don't know what to recommend to you and would be a little
hesitant to do that. But feel free to ask me anything I will do my best to help you.

Warrior..long time since I've heard from you..thanks for checking up on me.

I, too, believe that not everyone is capable of getting thru this thing in one piece. The MLC, I mean. It takes an ornery SOB to stick this beast out and win!!! It would be just my luck to give up, find someone else and then have to go thru it with them!! Story of my life..haha. But I jest, because I am not going to give up. I almost have a couple of times, tho. And just recently even. I didn't post it (or maybe I did..losing my mind) but on July 24th we sat down and divided everything up. I had told him the night before that this just wasn't working for me and that he didn't seem to be trying at all and I couldn't handle it anymore. I really was ready to be done. So, he said we should just divorce then. Well, after seeing it all down on paper, he changed his mind and has been trying. So, not sure what that says..but I guess we'll see. It's not intolerable by any means. He is cordial and we do things together; we watch movies, have a glass of wine on the deck, laugh, we talk about all the stuff under the sun, he kisses me goodnight, etc. Not sure if he will be able to get the emotional and physical intimacy back or not. But I owe it to us to let him try. What else do I have to do anyway..haha. So, I'm just doing my thing. Exercising, working out in the yard, looking for a job, doing stuff with my kids, reading my fiction, keeping up my home..all the normal things a normal person does. Even tho we're not normal..yet.

Lance..I think a MC that is skilled in behavior techniques and why people do the things they do, can help a person in MLC. At the very least they can help the LBS understand what is happening and how they can move forward. Sort of like all you guys help..only face to face. Sometimes I can be really obtuse, so it helps to have it spelled out to me face to face. I think the reason is that I tend to think that everyone thinks like I do..so when I try to reason it out in my mind, I reason it out in a way that makes sense to me because that is what I would say, do, think..etc. But at this late stage in life, I have come to realize that no one thinks like me cuz we're all unique. Duh. Why I didn't deduce that many years ago, I'll never know. Like Michelle W-D says, if what you're doing isn't working, try something different..so we are.

No question that a MC can help you.
Just don't have any expectations that it will save your marriage.

Taylor,

I am going to post because you asked me to, but I can guarantee you up front, you are not going to like what it is that I have to say.

First, congratulations that your H has decided to work on the M.

You need to be very careful. I agree with the others, I am very skeptical. But I am skeptical of you more than your H.

You said you couldn't be happy, GAL, blah, blah, blah, because your M was in shambles.

Well, now it seems to maybe be heading in a better direction, you have found other things to complain and worry about. Who your real friends are, what the MC thinks, that this is not happening as fast as you want it to.

You have actually done some stuff for you, highlights, happy emails with family, new clothes.

Tell me why you didn't do those things before, when your H was not wanting you? Those are things you should have been doing, to help you feel better.

You came here looking for the quick fix. You are still looking for ways to move this forward for your H. (ie, CONTROL) You got lucky. He responded to the LRT, in the way you wanted. (ie, ULTIMATUM and CONTROL)



What would you really have done if the answer had been different because it still could be you know?

Would you have been angry and bitter? I am gonna guess yes. I don't believe that you really would have been ok with the other option. Maybe you would have lived with it, but I don't think you would have been ok.

Honey, 9 months, is like a day in the life around here. Nine months is nothing.

If you can't get your life together for you, whether you are with your H or someone else, you are always going to be making yourself happy, based on the fact that you have someone that you think wants you. When it is all said and done...

Are you really going to want you?

The talk about alone and lonliness, if you don't want to be with yourself, who is really going to want to be with you?

I see lots of room for a ton of self growth here.

Good luck with your future IT. I hope it turns out as you would like.