Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

I can see why Awest wants to tell him she's filing in a way. I get that totally. Because when my H sent me separation/D papers, I was floored and also angry, called him and thanked him for telling me he was serving me. And I thought to myself, You should at least tell someone, geez. But now I dont know.

So are you goign to tell him beforehand Awest?

Mine was a little different. I got the filing in the mail. My L sent a letter waiving the notice.

I was very, very upset to get the filing. I remember reading it and seeing something along the lines "all efforts at reconciliation have failed" and thinking there were no efforts at reconciliation.

I called STBXW on the phone and got very angry. I regretted it later and even apologized in an email for swearing. I have not gotten angry with her again. We just avoid each other.

I'd tell him so he can waive being notified.

What do you mean by "waive being notified?" I am confused by that.



That's the beauty of it. A relationship over so many years boils down to a bunch of words on a few pieces of paper.

Mishka - We have always had separate bank accounts. H never wanted to join them so when we were married we used his as a savings account and mine as the checking so he had way more than me. He gave me just about half last year in September so I would have some savings. Since everything has stayed separate so no real problem there, but to cover my behind (which I learned to do long ago through other experiences) I keep records of everything so I went to the bank and asked for the account balances today on his checking and savings accounts. I am still on the account so nothing wrong there, but I have those numbers to prove if he does try something stupid.

The meeting was good and really I was calmed once I got there. My L is awesome and really tells me straight. She lets me know we can try to do this or that if I ask, but she tells me honestly I probably won't get it. She comes from a family of teachers so she said she wants to keep my costs down and not make me think I can get more than what a judge will allow. She is being straight with me, but if I asked to go for it, she would and would do her best to win.

Right now it is all prelim so I don't really know any numbers yet on what I will get from him or what child support will be. Right now it will be about what he is paying now so that is just going to continue and visitation will continue as is.

I did call H to let him know and I am glad I did. He was caught off guard when I told him that I filed and he would be served. It was a 5 minute conversation, but then he called with tons of questions. I answered what I could and he really sounds like he wants to work this out amicably. I told him I am trying to be fair and he said that he agrees with everything I said about S. We are mostly going to keep that between us. Every other weekend and discuss holidays between us (Christmas he will have S the eve when he family normally meets and me on Christmas day when my family normally meets so he said that was fair). I said no set weekly night visitation because honestly with the way he works, he won't stick to it. He said on the phone today he would, but I said he hasn't proven that and stated last year as an example and he said you are right so we have agreed to every other weekend as we already are and communicate on everything else. We really are working together so why ruin it.

The only place he has a problem is the finances. He doesn't understand how he may have to owe me money when I am keeping the best of everything; house and car. I said, but i am also taking on all of our joint debt and you are getting a clean slaight. He says (we will see) that if I owe him anything he will wave it. I told him flat out that I don't know what will happen, but I feel I deserve $10000 in back pay for the mortgage (although my lawyer said it was a long shot) for all the time I thought he was going to come home. I said with all the junk you have put me through I deserve at least that much. I was completely honest. I told him I am not trying to throw him under the bus, but he did to me and he could have close to $20000 saved if he hadn't wasted it on OW. I told him I don't care what he did with his money, but I deserve something and he is the one who is at a loss because he could have enough to clear his student loan and pretty much live debt free for a while and save to buy a nice house in 6 months, but he wasted it so his loss.

I was completely honest. I cried some when i talked about how I had been done wrong, but stuck to my guns. I told him that I could go for his throat, but I won't as long as he plays nice as well. He is planning on not getting a L so this could be really easy, and over in a very short time. He had already talked to the cell phone company without me knowing about splitting the bill and forwarded his mail without telling me so he should be relieved, but he sounded shocked.

Overall everything sounds like we are going to end this amicably and although i probably won't get what I want and be the one still in debt and on a tight budget (getting rid of the car payment would help me a ton), I was paying for everything before without childsupport and can do it with the child support and excel.

Now I know this is just starting so H could change his mind, but I really think he wants to get out of this with paying as little as possible because he is a cheap skate so I believe he will just play nice so I play nice and this all could be settled by Oct 2.

He ended by saying he was trying to understand what was happening, but he knows that I have the power in this so he is going to be polite or I have some big guns in reserve that I can use if I need to, but I really feel this will just be done quickly. He almost sounded like he wanted to sign papers today if they were ready and were numbers he agreed on so maybe I won't get anything, but a smooth D is priceless.

Ok, Awest, you got step 1 and 2 down...but, DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN with your H. I mean watch what you say and do, document, etc. My stbxh has been civil and generous, but until the D is final, I STILL am not turning my back, so to speak.

If these people are capable of lying and cheating on us, who knows what else, you know?

Believe me, I am not letting my guard down. I am going to just wait and see, but if H sticks to what he says...this could be easy. Now it is a wait and see game.

Picture Day Today! Today S is getting his 3 year old pics taken and we will be getting some new family pics of just him and I. Hopefully he cooperates and it will be a fun day!

Forgot to put. I had a thought about the cell phones. I am wondering if H was looking into me getting off of his plan because he is putting OW on his plan. When he talked, he was pushing for me to call like today about getting off of his plan. I told him I will get to it when I get to it. Filing was enough for now. I will work on the other stuff later when i feel up to it.

Great job yesterday! I think you handled it all really well. You never know when a spouse can turn nasty, but it does sound promising. It's great that it doesn't appear that you will have problems with custody issues (the usual sticking point), but the money issues could turn nasty, so make sure you know exactly where you stand with what you must have and what you are willing to let go of. This is obviously the right step to take for your sitch and I think you get that confirmation more and more each day. Definitely take each step as you are ready, but also too, the sooner you completely separate yourself, the sooner you can move to your new life beyond H!

Good luck with the pics today! I hope S cooperates, but I know how that goes. We're going to be taking S's 2 year old pics in the next couple of weeks too. Oh, how these boys grow too fast! Any big plans for S's b-day?

Pics were crazy. S is still so fussy, and he is at a stage where he doesn't want his pics taken. I know this happens a lot with this many toddlers, but the photographers were great and we got some really great pics. I love Portrait Innovations! It was rough, but they did great and we got some really awesome pics.

For S's b-day we have some traditions that I will keep. We will have a "Dinosaur Train" (from PBS) birthday party the Sunday of Labor Day weekend which is either two or three days before his birthday. Then I will take him out to eat on his birthday and take a special treat to the day care for him to share with his friends.

Today I am feeling sick. Between the stress of yesterday and the craziness of today, I think I just need a day to relax. It is a lot on my body. Plus it has been hot so I want to make sure I don't get dehydrated because that was part of the problem when I fainted. Since the post card I haven't slept well. Usually waking up really early and waking up tired because of some crazy dreams so hopefully the rest of the week I can relax and have fun. Early next week I will go to work to finish setting things up, and then have fun the rest of the time. Now going to get some food to eat and rest watching Hell's Kitchen.

Funny, I think our S's have the same birthday, but only a year a part. My S was born on September 7th. We're also celebrating S's b-day Sat or Sun of labor day weekend with a fire truck theme party. He's a total fire truck fanatic and always points them out when he hears them drive by.

That's awesome that you were able to get some great pics. Now time to finish redecorating with them! It's been a rough week so definitely take some time for you now. And yes, enjoy Hell's Kitchen. I love that show! =)