I forgave myself for my mistakes and I let go of resentments... Laser shots CD. You are on a seek and destroy mission. Find your shortcomings and kill what you don't want in your life. Then wake up each day and be the man you want to be NOT the man you think your W wants. Or anyone else for that matter...
I have to make myself happy. To make myself happy, I need to be happy with myself. No conflicts within. Be as humorous and light as I was in conversation. Listen to people-even better than I did then. I was always looking for what I would say next rather than really appreciating what people were "actually communicating" Talk less. Listen better. Say more with "less" I have to take better care of myself. Smoking has to go (Yes, Puppy, I know) I have to release the things I can't control Release my "expectations" I have to set up a plan for my life: short and long term ANd do it one day at a time.
Don't know where it came from but:
Marriage (and life) is like farming. You start from fresh every day.
I have to set up a plan for my life: short and long term ANd do it one day at a time.
This is it for now....one day at a time.
I think your getting it but it will still take time, this is a marathon not a sprint.
You will find that somethings will take care of themselves, as you start to make CD a better person you will find areas in your life that you weren't even focusing on will improve also.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
It's amazing CD. The points you made in your last posts, the issues you touched upon, what happened to you in your M, it's my story man. I know all of these sitch's have a common under lying thread and the specifics change. But you're specifics are so similar to mine it's uncanny.
By the way, my dad's name was Mr. CD Bear. What was your dad's name?
I spent most of my adult life digging around inside myself. I've been through many tunnels and through the hell inside me...as well as the heaven.
When I met my W I was teaching Jiu Jitsu and self improvement classes to adults. I could see clearly and I had a depth of human psychology and an aptitude to apply it in helping people change - because I had done it with myself.
I lost my way. I lost myself. I lost my center. The path I was on was my center and I completely turned away from it - slowly, but over time the angle had increased so much I couldn't even see it anymore.
I know what she sees in the other guy - New. That's it. Someone who 'listens', someone who empathizes and agrees with her, someone who won't call her on her shite, someone who boosts her ego because he's attracted to her; someone who is hiding his issues as she hides hers; it's all appearance. Don't they all start out the same? Didn't we?
I believe my W is doing the same thing. He's a guy she went to HS with and they stayed in touch over the years. He always wanted to be with her and she once told me 'He never has a shot'. Well EA's turn into PA's. I'm sure she's sharing all her misery with him and how much the devil I am. He's sitting there slamming me and telling her how she deserves so much better, blah, blah, blah.
So it is.
One day, they will see. They might not say they see, but they will see. Life does that. All the Karma loops close. At least that's been my experience so far.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
See "NMMNG" Appeasing (esp women) Pleasing everyone but self Looking for "Nice Guy" validation from her Presumed "contract" (if I do x; you'll do Y) Passive Aggressive bhvr NOT asking for what I need/want "Collapsed" on her. Made her "center of universe" Sold my soul to keep her-surprised I got her (low self-image/esteem)
I'll add my experience to your list. All the above plus:
Grew up with a controlling and hyper-critical mother. Never could please her - she always had a complaint. Only one way to do things - her way. Follow in step all was fine, do something different and the battle was on. My W was exactly the same way.
Learned it was easier to hide behaviors mom may confront me on (just about everything) rather than just own who I am. Did the same thing with my W.
Had a very passive father. They would argue, my dad would retreat to the basement, gritting his teeth (never really stood up for himself with my mom). Mom would do the passive/aggressive and not talk to anyone for a few days. Then drop it and act like nothing ever happened.I followed my role model and carried that behavior into adult relationships.
My issues + my W's issues = throwing gasoline on the fire
Never talked about emotions or the issues. That pink elephant wasn't invisible, but no one talked about it.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Critical, guilt-inducing German Catholic mom. Nice lady. Love her to bits. But as I grew older I saw her "issues'. She got them from her mom. Controlling but also played victim a lot.
Dad was quieter. Smart, industrious and athletic. Stayed active till his 60's and then stopped playing organized sports. like me, kind of gave up on his stuff.
They BOTH would do ANYTHING for us kids. All 6. Their lives WERE our lives. But we picked up varying degrees of the same habits.
They didn't argue much because dad likely learned it wasn't worth it. He wouldn't win either way.
The FORCED Catholic upbringing didn't sit well with my analyzing and logical brain. I fought going to church. They threatened to withdraw my sports.
They just passed 50 years. Hell of an accomplishment. But other than the success of the kids lives, I wouldn't want their marriage.
