lol citygirl. I can't believe he actually took that deal. But good for you. I never even thought about the cruel and inhumane angle with an A.
I put a post on my thread with a recap. I'm over at my thread talking to myself...it's quite funny. If you're interested go take a look at the recap of the past 18 months.
CD, you're not alone. I saw the potential too. But she wouldn't even come to the playing field. Nothing I can do about that. Just keep working on myself.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
lol CD. I'm a one man band over there. Most of it's just journaling stuff that's happening. Sometimes I'll paste a post I find really helpful. I've actually printed out all of my threads and it's over 500 pages now. I've also copy/pasted all of them into MS Word documents. May need them for court at some point.
I'm also going to keep them as a record of everything that happened and everything I did to try and save my marriage. The way my W has been the past three years I have a feeling I may have to one day show it to my kids to counterbalance her twisted/convoluted/fabricated/re-written version of the truth. She also won't be able to help herself from talking to them as they get older - she has basically told her story to anyone with two ears.
I'm reading No More Mr Nice Guy after I saw you talk about it earlier in this thread. It's actually an awesome book. I have it on audiotape so I read along as I listen. It's definitely a book I'll go through again right after I finish it. I will also be doing the exercises.
Did you do the exercises?
One word of caution. As you seem to be very similar to me be careful of jumping from one book to another, then getting another, then another, never really completing any one of them. That's my poor habit and I'm working on overcoming it.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Well you guessed it. I didn't know how to broach the subject, but I've finally found you! We are twins separated at birth...lol
Ok, let me guess. You decided to save the NMMG exercises till later - maybe after you finished the book. But you didn't finish the book because you went off in a different direction - like a different book maybe?
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
CD, Sorry, I got on last night and had good intentions of helping you dig and my own sitch came up and I had to deal with it. Like I said, I am in the trenches also, fighting for my marriage.
So, I now that I have had a little time to go back and read a couple of things you posted, I am going to challenge you a little bit.
Your W said these these things below in a letter or email, right?
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
Since we decided to have Calla things have completely changed. You have said and blamed many things on our relationship. Your job, Reno's, your new job, the house, calla, money..... truth is these are all regular things in life. "
But then you told me that some of your dreams were fullfilled below here.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
I had most of them built.
I had my little affordable house. My "toy" car and a garage to put it in A decent job that I didn't mind doing. I had time for my family and friends Played hockey all winter Pilot's Licence I had a studio in the basement for my drums.
Remember, I am poking at you here to start to do some internal thinking/digging. Earlier, I asked you to to remember back way before you were a part of anyone else's life, what were CD's dreams, hopes and aspirations.
Did you really acheive those things? Your W doesn't seem to think so....in her words YOU blamed "your job", "your house", "your money" on the Relationship....(remember her perception is reality whether it is true or not, right?)
These are her marital complaints, but you said that you already had these things "in the bag" before you met her......HMMMMMM.
Granted things change, and financial situations change but whether external forces caused some dissatisfaction for you or not, the fact is you were bitching about the very things that supposedly made you happy.
You have heard the term "Pursuit of Happiness" haven't you? Well I don't neccessarily think that the term is accurate. You never really arrive at "Happiness" and end your journey that would just be boring. It is all in the "Pursuit". You see, when you are pursuing your dreams you must have a reasonable expectation that you will obtain those goals. Whether you obtain them or not is irrelevant I think that it is the "pursuit" that makes us "happy".
Personally I don't think things and stuff makes us happy but rather the pursuit of a preceived better life. Now you may have reached the age in life where you realized this or maybe all of a sudden the "trappings" of the "good life" became a burden, who knows. CD has to dig and answer these questions.
Is it possible that CD stopped pursuing a goal/dream, and it is okay if those goals change but you should be going after something always trying to make yourself better, that is life's journey, the race never ends. DEEP CHIT, HUH?????
So lets bring this back around, and somebody said it up thread....Women are attracted to strong, confident men who are moving in a direction and have a purpose in life, they want to hop on that train and go where you are going. Thing is sometimes when they jump on we start to focus on them and forget to keep the train going.
This is what attracted CD's wife to CD.....guaranf@ckingtee it!!!
I know you want your wife back, I want mine back too. But you better get on with LIVING YOUR LIFE or she is not going to ever hop back on that train with you.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Who? Me? Oh, I READ the exercises. But "it's important to read the whole book in case there is important stuff later that makes the exercises more profound"
So lets bring this back around, and somebody said it up thread....Women are attracted to strong, confident men who are moving in a direction and have a purpose in life, they want to hop on that train and go where you are going. Thing is sometimes when they jump on we start to focus on them and forget to keep the train going. This is what attracted CD's wife to CD.....guaranf@ckingtee it!!!
I know you want your wife back, I want mine back too. But you better get on with LIVING YOUR LIFE or she is not going to ever hop back on that train with you.
Pretty damn close.
I got jerked at my old job and changed it just after we were married. Had to learn a whole new thing. Time Distraction-Money Pressure
We also had a 25K debt from the wedding. Money Pressure
When we got pregnant, we looked at more "family houses'. Bigger, larger yard. Found one on a golf course. Twice the price of old but we loved the idea. DISTRACTION-FINANCIAL PRESSURE
To maximize the down pymt on NEW house, needed to completely (down to studs) reno the old one. MYSELF! While she was pregnant. DISTRACTION-TIME; Money Pressure!
She had quit smoking during pregnancy. She berates me for not following suit as promised DISTRACTION-GUILT
Her pregnancy-she gained 80 pounds. Uncomfortable; moody; hormonal; isolated (I'm job then reno every day) NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE.
And yes, they ARE regular things in life. But, and I've said this to her, if you exclude 'death in family', we were simultaneously doing allmost all of the most stressful experiences in life. Plus looking forward to childbirth; maternity leave (reduced income); new house; etc. And, since we have both admitted our courtship was almost issue free, we hadn't had to really learn any coping skills for conflict. Then when EVERYTHING hit at once, we both withdrew. Depression, resentment, unhappiness, etc. She went negative towrd me and the M. I'm even considering that since she was thinking "end of marriage" during pregnancy, that she "waited it out" til D was old enough and then dropped the bomb.
As you can see, I wasn't blaming these things on the R. I was attributing the slide of the R on all the things we were going through. And the condition of the R made all these things more difficult and less enjoyable.
When "things' had to drop out of the time and/or money budget, MY stuff went away. Drums, hockey, driving the car, family, outside activities, friends, etc. All I had was a miserable wife; a new job I was beginning to dislike (so was she); and so much pressure to DO EVERYTHING that I lost me.
By the time we got into the new house, (D was 3 months) then a whole new set of problems. I was responsible for dealing with the homebuilder deficiencies. She was doing "retail therapy" to counter her post-partum. (Doesn't like pills) 400/month in gas going in and out of town PLUS whatever she bought. (remember, we were double the old mortgage pymt and her income on mat leave was half.)
We just never came out of the slide. There were happy times and occasions but the negative tendency was already there. My mistake was I kept hoping things would get better over time as the pressures subsided.
Of course I had more dreams. I wanted to finish the basement; maintain our yearly Mexico trips; get a travel trailer for summer holiday; put in another patio with a hot tub; start spending "couple time" once D was more independent. Improve my job and build this new career.
I agree that I need to find my purpose and set some goals. But I can't really do that until I am free from her (Sep Agreement) so I know where I stand to begin again.
All I want to do is get back to where I was before. It was pretty good. Better than this.
