Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

You GO GIRL!!

Boy, do I like the way you sound in that post!!! Remember long ago we all encouraged the face time--you SO need it. But it just wasn't time yet, and we saw that too.

You have done a lot of work--looking inward at your own "stuff". Looking outward and become who you WANT to be!!! All fun in the end, right?!? Not wasting time on "revenge stuff". Just YOU being the best YOU can be!

being me, put a smile on my face. i feel alive again.
and people are drawn to me now. i said that i am so used to bringing out the best in others - which is why people seek me out for mentoring. when i was down on my luck, others have come to help bring out the best in me. do you believe in karma? i do now.

This is my favorite part. You feel ALIVE again! People are drawn to you--I KNOW!! Isn't it great?! You are being authentic and real and it's ATTRACTIVE!

IF you had been pursuing and going nuts trying to speak with him and he out and out, over and over again rejected you, we'd be much more inclined to have you drop the rope.

That's not YOUR sitch. You have never been like that. You reject who rejects you and you do it MORE.lol. I can relate--but now I am not above the occasional begging.lol. Makes em feel special.lol.

OK, now that you have come so far this way, it is time to think about validating. And all the things that a man loves--looking directly in their eyes, wearing something cute.lol, and being sweet and friendly and NO LOOKS.lol.

You need some truth darts, and some scripts and....so little time, so much to do!!

But I have a ton more confidence after that last post--FORREST!! Look!!!

And that has gone both ways. My point to D is that she is trading her precious time waiting for someone who is demonstrating he is not interested in reconciling. That's not a "hard line" approach.. It's pointing out a brutal reality.



Greek

Correction. Not a reality - but how it seems.
Greek

"And that has gone both ways. My point to D is that she is trading her precious time waiting for someone who is demonstrating he is not interested in reconciling. That's not a "hard line" approach.. It's pointing out a brutal reality."

My question was this....

Please explain exactly what point you are trying to get across herE.

I added the E. Feels like Wheel of Fortune sometimes.. Can I buy a vowel? (Well R is not a vowel.. but I do tend to leave it out sometimes)

What is it that you want her to do different? File? Quit? Act TMR?

What is the goal with your post?

See.. I respect you because I know Coach. "We" (Me and Coach) are not friends and do not "talk" beyond DB.com. We just post on the same posts sometimes. I have read 90% of Coach's thread though. So I question the motive here some. I don't want you to stop posting "here".. I just want to understand what you are saying.

The reality is..

#1.. D is on her way to a D (5-6 months from now).

#2.. Up to this point in time she has done nothing to change that. Which is good. She has not hurried it.. she has just been quiet. As far as he can see.

#3.. She has journal-ed. We can all see that. We feel for her.. and really want her to step out of "this".

#4.. D.. just has to walk this path some more. To me.. it is her hard head. But.. I like that.

#5.. D needs confidence. In her self. She needs to understand her value. From what I am seeing.. this has increased.. "some".

#6.. D needs to get her "statement" going. I have asked for this for a while. My general thought was that they (D and H) would have a face to face incoming. The little interaction in the stairs was not what I had in mind. I in vision it across a table.

#7.. D needs a kick in the as$ to "see" the chances she has coming.

So.. should she give it one last HU Ra... or just quit now and push to get out of this as quickly as possible?

Journaling .. forrest’s comments.

I spent a lot of time this weekend going back to my old posts.
It really took approximately 30 days for things to go from crazy to a semi-stable state.

I feel like I’m no longer in the toilet bowl and swirling around in the vortex. Instead, I’m gripping on to the edge of the toilet bowl and I’m clawing my way out of it. In other words, I can actually see myself moving forward.

I read forrest’s comment about how the ball was always in my court. I simply didn’t see it. I was too busy ranting about getting even with my MIL that I completely missed the fact that there was a legal process ahead where I would have to face my h again. I had to get my head on straight in order to deal with that part. It was if I was ranting to avoid facing reality. But the vets knew that if I didn’t have my head on straight, not only will I look really unattractive to my h but I will also make decisions based on my emotions – not a good thing when it comes to the legal process. It was a lose-lose situation.

I still don’t know how forrest managed to get me to stop, drop, and roll. Did I really hit rock bottom?

Looking back, I wasted a lot of time getting myself prepared. The vets were right – I was clearly going in circles. But hindsight is 20/20. I may have to put in some overtime now.

I was surprised when my h said that he saw the gears grinding in my head and that I just wanted to win. It was weird hearing him say that because at that moment, it wasn’t a game anymore. It was for real. And I wasn’t winning anything. In fact, I was losing.

Yes, my h knows me. He always knew I had this competitive spirit in me. It fuels me to do better and that I’m not just a “pretty face”. He also knows that I’m always one step ahead of him. I’m the pragmatic one who thinks things thoroughly, rather than feels.

For me, I often use my competitive spirit to try and inspire others to do better. Call it my version of Jim Collins’ flywheel concept. The better you are at something, the more fun it can be and the happier you will feel about yourself. And it just fuels you. In my marriage, I think this backfired. Instead of inspiring him, it emasculated him because his wife was more often “right” than wrong. He couldn’t get the flywheel to move so he just gave up. I could be mind reading again but I don’t think I’m far off.

I can see that affection and attention are two different things now. I used the terms interchangeably but they cannot be.

I have to really think about how to approach the subject of working out our separation agreement without the competitive “look”. I have to carefully select my words. It’s crucial because I only get once shot at this. I know there will be more face-to-face opportunities but I have to take advantage of all face to face meetings.

My friend victor said it’s more important how I say it. Delivery is key. He also told me to put myself in his shoes. When I say something, how does it come across?

It’s getting late. I will journal some more tomorrow.

I read the following from D...


...and it seems to me that she is still very much agitating in her mind and spirit about him. She is very successfully not pursuing him outright, but based on what she vents here, it seems to me that she is giving a lot of mental real estate to him. My point (very poorly made - clay feet) is that a bright young woman with clear talents and prospects in life should NOT give so much of her precious time to someone who seems not to care. It only costs her and gains nothing for her but another ride through the loop.

Awareness.


Either way - my (poor) expression of advice was to drop the rope. Not to win him back, not to win in court, not for any other reason than to liberate herself from the thick and negative loop I read in her posts. If they reconciled TOMORROW, that would still be a liability for her.




Motive? Forrest - to be helpful. I work 50 + hours a week in my career field, train for marathons and help raise a family. I don't have time in my day to show up with anything other than goodwill - I wouldn't allocate my resources to anything other. Coming here is a way to give back and be supportive to others.

Greek

first of all, i want to say that i really do appreciate the help and support that i have received on. nobody can force their advice down my throat - it is still up to me how i want to take that advice and use it.

at the start, i would simply complain and whine about stuff. it was unproductive. i could see the frustration in the vets' posts. it was only a matter of time i would stop and say enough is enough. but only i could make that happen. it didn't matter how much coach, forrest, or lauraoh tried to drill it in me. i had to wake myself up. i either listen and do the work, or continue to spiral.

dropping the rope is the goal. but before we get there, we have to work on a few problem areas - my confidence being one of them.
dropping the rope is one thing - but what shape is the rope-dropper in when this is being done? is she/he going to buckle emotionally and fall down? or is she/he standing solid on both feet with confidence? i want to drop the rope and be standing solid. this is what the 30-day challenge meant for me. i focused on me. i let the lawyers deal with the legal stuff and my h. my job was to focus on me and make sure that when i do drop the rope, i walk away with confidence.

it wasn't until recently my lawyer asked me to deal with a portion of the separation agreement. i have had little interaction with my h and to be honest, he can do whatever he wants to do. i have to look out for me.

the jewellery and baseball collection argument is not about things. it's about setting boundaries - as lauraoh pointed out. i was going to have my lawyer deal with it but he put it back on my plate. and my concern was how i was going to deal with my h when he starts fighting like a child? it is not about the items. it took an emotional toll on me last time. here is a second kick at the can .. am i ready to deal with this kind of pettiness without stooping to that level and yet, still remain firm and mature? it's about me. how do i protect myself from being emotionally hurt again?

i was actually proud of myself for getting as far as i got with the work that i had done on myself. but your post really put a damper on my spirits. the comments are "harsh" because it took three people almost three months to get me out of my rut and start doing work. finally, i've made progress. a small step forward but it's a step in the right direction.

if there was anything i learned from the vets here they are the following:
1. mind reading is not a good thing - control it, don't do it, and leave it behind.
2. don't do things to get a reaction from your h. when i started to focus on me, i didn't do anything to get a reaction from my h. changes are only sustainable if you do it for yourself and no other reason. if you do it to get a reaction, then it isn't genuine and people can see through that.

i'm not looking to reconcile tomorrow. even if we did, we'd have to do a lot of repair work on both ends. the meeting i am to have with my h is to test the condition of the lines of communication and not damage them any further by giving the look or digging. i've worked on me but i have not worked on my verbage. and how i delivery my point can make or break the lines of communication. getting my communication right isn't just about my h. it will help me in future relationships.


i know you mean well.

When you can say to him:

It hurt me when you called me a "gold digger."

I didn't feel like a priority in your life when you answered your parents call while we were ML.

Can you understand why I would feel that way?


I know I hurt you when I did _____________________. For that I am sorry. I can understand how you would have felt____________ when I did that.


Obviously use your own thoughts but I think you need to be able to articulate the most pressing issues without getting emotional in a negative way. This means you have no expectations for the outcome but you want to apologise for your behavior and let him know (in a loving way) that he has some responsiblity in this as well (truth darts). That to me is part of dropping the rope.

part of me really wants to drop this.
from our discussions, we discovered the root cause of this.
is it still necessary to bring it up with my h?
maybe i'm learning to be compassionate but i know that those words were said because he was hurt. it doesn't make it okay but i also need to choose my battles. the 'gold digger' comment only came out after the d-bomb was dropped. it didn't break our marriage, per se.

after you allowed me to talk about my past, i have somewhat come to terms with it because now i too know the real reason why it hurt. if i don't let it define me, it won't hurt.

please let me know if i'm being a doormat about it.


yes, i agree.
i think intimacy is a pressing issue.
and being a priority in our marriage is another pressing issue.
i chose those two because they caused the most emotional pain for both of us.

i'm also starting to see how your statements are full of "i"'s and not "you".

and this is along the same line as what forrest told me. come up with a statement where with no finger pointing. something i can say face to face with no emotion.

Here you are. I was waiting for you on the other thread. But now I found you. Forgot you mentioned you had another thread going.

Now I have to catch up.