Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need help with WAW

So how do you handle it when you ask if they are in or out and the answer comes back that they don't know.

Do you then set a time by which they must decide.
or tell them that answer means they are out.

I guess my issue here is that if she has no interest in reconciling then i don't really want to sit around waiting till it's convenient for her to separate.

On the other hand if she is uncertain i don't want to force her hand.

our problem is in order to separate we need to sell the house and obviously tell the kids. Once that is done so am I

Stop asking. Make yourself attractive to her while letting her go - "lovingly detach."



no



So no sitting around, go have some fun this weekend, be mysterious. Workout, go listen to some music, go to the lake/river/beach, find a team to join, buy some new clothes/music, revive a hobby.

The problem with setting a date, Khud, is that it's like telling the terrorists the date that you're going to pull the troops out -- they'll just wait you out.

If you give a wayward spouse a deadline, saying "I'll give this until October 31st," then guess what -- you just gave your tacit approval for their waywardness, and they will take it an RUN with it, right up until Oct. 30th, at which point they will PROMISE YOU THE MOON AND THE STARS AND BEG YOU TO TAKE THEM BACK (or, they'll throw you juuuust enough of a "bone" on that date to keep your plate spinning on their stick).

Deadlines are good if they're INTERNAL -- for YOU. Do NOT communicate them to a wayward spouse.

Puppy

Thanks for the advice guys. Already planned to get out with the kids today and the boys tonite.

Every time I go out and do something now she asks me where i was when i get back and usually drops a hint as to who I was with. How do you be mysterious in these circumstances. When I give her a vague answer sometimes she will come back with "what sort of game are you playing with me"

She has started telling me where she goes and who she is going out with so I guess after she started that she expects me to open up too.

Khudoo

I would tell her "Considering where we are with our marriage right now, I don't feel the need to tell you everywhere I'm going, and with whom. Please stop interrogating me all the time -- it's annoying, and -- frankly -- very unattractive."

But that's just me.

Puppy

Sweet! I'm using that line.

So I know we are not supposed to avoid talking about the R. What seems to be happening in my case on a fairly frequent basis is that when ever I confront her on anything she will usually come back at me and say it's time to discuss the situation and will ask me if i am available later or the following evening. Even though I say yes and usually suggest I will make myself available and we can discuss sooner the discussions never happen.

She just acts like she never made the suggestion, never opens the discussion and life goes on. Should I be opening it up and asking her what she wanted to discuss. It all seems like a bit of a cat and mouse game. My strategy right now is to just play along and when she is ready she can start the talk. There is really no point in having the R talk unless she is going to do most of the talking and that prob wont happen if I start it.

I have a couple of things I want to discuss with her. The main one being.

She says maybe we can still date after we separate. I want to close this down unless it happens immediately. I have no intention of becoming her safety net.

Also we recently went to a friends wedding. i know she had a good time hanging out with me and even remarked how much fun she had. The next morning she was all friendly and even called me by a pet name the next morning now she has returned to that COLD state. It's like sometimes she forgets she is supposed to not like me and then catches herself and clams up again.

Has anyone here seen someone come back from this cold state and actually save the marriage.

Well I think I am done. We had a R talk last night at her request and she wants to tell the kids sell the house and move on. She gave me the friends and possible dating line but I have no intention of being her safety net if her attempt at a new life fails.

Some of the stuff she said about my S (11) and the way she intends to blame him on the separation is completely crazy so I called her on it and she completely blew up and went on a rant about every little thing that happened in the last 8 yrs.

I kept my cool for the most part but did tell her to grow up when she started saying she was going to accuse the kids of being at fault for this.

I really saw a new side of her last night. It was so self centered even when we were discussing the kids. Remarks like "this is my life and I will not let the kids destroy it" . It was obvious she hasn't fully thought anything out like she talks about buying a new house but has no idea what is required. She works shifts and has not figured out how to deal with her S. She said he will just have to spend some time on his own. He is 11 with ADHD.

last night made it easy to detach but the problem is right now I want her out and dont think I want her back.

Very depressing morning

Khudoo,
can't give advice except that these wild mood swings seem to be the norm for WAW. I know mine is doing the same, and like you said, it's like they forget they are mad/don't love us anymore and for me it seems I pay the price the next day

I don't want D, and do want a version of the original W back, but not this one. Some days suck, others go relativly easy.

hoping for more of the later for both of us

Mood swings are one thing. That statement she made about the kids is not only unconscionable, it's HIGHLY indicative of someone totally addicted to an affair partner.

Khudoo, I know you've checked, and pretty thoroughly, too, but we MUST have missed something. Women, esp., don't just abandon their kids' needs with statements and attitudes like that unless there's an OM, I'm sorry.

Puppy