I would have been really put off a few weeks ago if my H had strongly initiated sx. Yes, he initiated D instead, but now we are having one of the strongest, closest times ever in our M.
My guess is we had both reached a point where "forced" sx with the other would have been a turnoff. He was still attracted but resentful. I had no attraction or interest to him or anyone else. We would not even undress in front of each other and slept in separate rooms.
I think pinhead you get that I"m not talking about baby steps forever here - there has to be a meeting of the minds at some point. For me, I think that took about 10 days of baby steps for the first sx, which definitely focuses more on him, and then probably another solid week before it became mutual. If either of us had felt "forced" it would NOT have happened.
pinhead - give her nonphysical attention. If you are getting short respones back away and try again another time. Bring up some memory that will make you both laugh. Don't dwell on it - just put it out there. When you feel the tension melting, start with the touching. When she doesn't pull away from that, take it further.
This is all my two cents and maybe worth only that, but I am a girl even tough I was/am the LBS - who refused to be LB without a fight.
Getting to "laughing" and "fun", is a surefire way to be in the zone where you will have physical intimacy.
Too often in DB'ing and Limbo land, were stuck on remaining true to our principles, being strong, showing no weakness, the power dynamic, etc... Good for argumentation, not good for the sex.
I think we need to find some time for ourselves, date night or something. Go miniature golfing, go drive go carts, anything out of our normal domestic routine.
When she was asking what I meant by "trying," she threw out some questions. Separation where we date each other? Staying together with MC? She just doesn't want the status quo to persist, the status quo of the time before the Bomb.
She keeps telling you over and over what she wants.
What is it?
Once you "see" it then you have a shot. Become aware of how women speak. Questions are statements, statements are questions.
"Do you want to go out and eat tonite?" Meaning: "I don't want to cook and clean, let's eat out tonite."
"I am going to color my hair." "Do you like my hair the way it is?"
What is it she says is missing that she wants from you?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She's said during all of this that I'm not very affectionate or emotionally intimate. But even though that's a 180, all I can do is listen patiently and validate.
PH - you and I are on the same timeline here. what has my wife asked for?
Space.
I know man - it feels like you're doing the exact opposite of what we need to do. I feel like when I give her space she pulls further away and is just distancing herself. I have to keep reminding myself that she DOES love me, and she can't let that go with a little space i give her.
Luckily I was able to get my W into MC very quickly, and then we did the "day-by-day" approach. Maybe that's what you should suggest? Something like...
"I want to give you this space. I know it's healthy for you and you asked for it. Let's do this day by day."
That's one more day she's in the house, and one more day you're with her. I've cherished each day, but I've screwed up royally along the way.
If you can give her space in the house, there is no need for her to leave it.
I know my W asked for space. I gave her two days of it - I fully engulfed myself and tried the hardest ever. Was super nice and loving, but gave her lots of space. No touching. No ILY. No calls from work. No asking to go to bed. Within two days she was cuddling with me in bed. You may not believe it, but she wants and craves physical touch as much as you do.
Last edited by john28; 08/02/1007:18 PM.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
When she was asking what I meant by "trying," she threw out some questions. Separation where we date each other? Staying together with MC? She just doesn't want the status quo to persist, the status quo of the time before the Bomb.
She keeps telling you over and over what she wants.
What is it?
Once you "see" it then you have a shot. Become aware of how women speak. Questions are statements, statements are questions.
"Do you want to go out and eat tonite?" Meaning: "I don't want to cook and clean, let's eat out tonite."
"I am going to color my hair." "Do you like my hair the way it is?"
What is it she says is missing that she wants from you?
Space is what she explicitly said.
What I think she's really wanted was attention; undivided attention.
"I want to give you this space. I know it's healthy for you and you asked for it. Let's do this day by day."
That's one more day she's in the house, and one more day you're with her. I've cherished each day, but I've screwed up royally along the way.
If you can give her space in the house, there is no need for her to leave it.
I know my W asked for space. I gave her two days of it - I fully engulfed myself and tried the hardest ever. Was super nice and loving, but gave her lots of space. No touching. No ILY. No calls from work. No asking to go to bed. Within two days she was cuddling with me in bed. You may not believe it, but she wants and craves physical touch as much as you do.
I don't know how much more space I can give her in the house. She's definitely had more than 2 days of it, and she's definitely not spooning with me.
I also think that she really wants to prove that she can be on her own, make her own decisions etc. So that's hard to compete with.
You may not believe it, but she wants and craves physical touch as much as you do.
I know she was enjoying the massage, up until I started on her thighs and that made her panic. But the rest of the time, she was really enjoying it. Especially her hands.
This is just my own admittedly-biased two cents here, but based on over six years' study of mismatched-libidos/SSM couples, while the whole "He Who Cares the Least ... Wins" thing works in almost EVERY other dynamic, it does NOT work with low-drive women and sexual issues.
If you pressure a low-drive woman for sex, she will see it as "pressure."
If you DON'T pressure a low-drive woman for sex, she will breathe a sigh of relief that you've backed off, and gladly take the "space" that you give her.
At least, that's been my overwhelming experience and observation.
