Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy New Game- Exposed

I'd recommend nixing the GPS and the chats with OM's W, and use ONLY eBlaster. Check it 1x/week at this point (you can always adjust that accordingly), other than having it push an immediate e-mail alert to you if any of a certain few keywords are triggered, like "lawyer" or "served".

If you want to keep driving yourself nuts, add "husband" and/or your own first name to that list, and ask yourself how that's workin' out fer ya.

Puppy

Maybe 10% of it "gets thru" their PEA-infused fog, but it's still important, cuz:

1) 10% is still something; and

2) YOU need to be doing these things ANYWAY.

Puppy

The Campbell book is a less radical version of "Radical Honesty"

I went to reference the book for you and found here site. Gonna snoop through here today.

http://www.susancampbell.com/

It is more about being honest with yourself; what YOU value; how you need to identify and support your core values. I don't have it yet (has to be ordered)

I'm sure there is an overlap with Dobson's boundaries (Book was really good though I found the scripture references of no value to me)

OK.
EBlaster it is.

Thanks.

I'll only check it weekly. OM's name and mine are the same.
Coming up with keywords is intimidating.

Other than "lawyer" or "divorce"

So I install on her laptop once and everything comes to me on my machine? And she can't find it on her machine? Can I "remove it when required" remotely?

Thanks

So what was "shining the light back"?

Pointless at this point as I doubt I will see her much at all anymore?

You understand the process we are speaking of and what we need to get at, meaning the "disease". Back up a bit....go ahead and list some of the oversimplified symptoms.

What was number one in her mind. Forget that you had the same complaint about her. You have obviously read "HTIYMWOTAI" and understand the vicious cycle, it is not enough to stop your bad behavior but instead you have to eliminate that behavior as an option within you. In order to do this you have to practice it.

Lets assume that you really don't pay attention when she is talking to you. You cannot work on that with her but you can certainly practice being a better listner with other women. It could be women at work, your mom, a friend, whoever. With TIME you could start to change the way you communicate with women in general.




You have "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and the other is "Hold on to your N.U.T s." These two keep the language pretty real and down to earth.

I think the hard inner work that Grit and some others I will send your way will help you discover is just how much you Love your wife dispite her utter and total disrespect for you. Dobson covers this pretty good in "Tough Love". It is the part of setting them free but doing so out of Love not out of self satisfaction. You may claim that you have done it but believe me it is not easy.

I think you can start to arrive at that crucial step by working on some of the other more mundane things, like communication.

Yep that's right I called communication mundane. Sure it is key in any relationship and any person can become a better communicator but that does not change why we love our spouses.

I am going to give away some thunder here. Right now most people Love their spouse because of what that spouse does for "US" in return. The key to success here is to Love your spouse with no expectation of "anything" in return. You have to remove yourself from the equation of loving her. You have to totally remove your wants and desires from your "LOVE" of her.

This is not done overnite.

Thanks, CD. As for Dobson - I didn't pay as much attention to the scripture references, not that I'm not spiritual, but I was more interested in the psychological/cause and effect nature of it all.

Same for me regarding Dobson.

I just went through the Campbell site. I'll order a couple of 'em.

Let you know how I make out and/or what I learn.

Thanks for checking up on me, Sunny

"Shining a light back toward your marriage," (or "Lighting a path back toward your marriage") is, basically, living out in front of your wife* those changes in yourself -- including your willingness to have a forgiving attitude about her affair, if she ends it -- that give her a glimpse of what an ENTIRELY NEW MARRIAGE with CD Bear would look like, should she choose to want to reconcile with you.

It's "Hey, I'm not looking over my shoulder to see if you're watching me or not, but here I go, down the path, living a new and changed life. I now know thru this that I no longer NEED you -- I'll be OK -- but I WANT you to join me in this, if you want to (and are willing to abide my boundaries."

It's just a fancy way of saying "Show her the new you," so that she has some HOPE if she chooses to come back, that things won't just go back to the same, pre-affair dysfunctional patterns that you may have had in your marriage.

Puppy

*If you are apart, this is a little harder, but it is NOT impossible!! Men, especially, don't get that TRUST ME, WOMEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO. They watch, they hear, they ask around, THEY CHECK UP ON YOU. This is a little harder for women to do, if they are no longer living with their wayward husbands, but for men, this is VERY doable.

The "it'll get back to them, trust me" is just one part of it. Another part is to live out your changes in front of them when you DO see them, or interact with them via phone or e-mail. And for those behaviors (like affection, for example) that may be prior marital complaints that would be seen now as PURSUING if you were to give them towards your wayward spouse, you can let your interactions with OTHERS be that "light that you shine" in front of them. With your interactions with your kids, or with other adults while in your spouse's presence.

If your wife said you were never charming or engaging enough, for example, you can DEMONSTRATE your newfound charm and engagement thru interactions with other adults (esp. women!) in group settings.

Make sense?

Wow CD you got some great advice up there. I am printing out missherlove's two posts above. Excellent advice.

There is only one no-fault state and that is NY. A no-fault bill just made it through and is awaiting signature from the governor. Consensus is he will sign it.

I read a reaction from someone online about it and I thought it hit the head on the nail - It's now easier to get a divorce than it is to get out of a cell phone contract. Really sad state of affairs.

CD, I'm not sure what state you live in but in NY an affair really has no bearing on child custody/support anymore - or so I was advised by my L.

I also agree that any more exposure work from this point is worthless. The only reason to keep exposing now is for you to get some vindication concerning the lies she is telling people about you and her A. I understand because there is part of me that wants that same vindication - to show my W's lies are just that. But as you read in No More Mr Nice guy, it's only an attempt at regaining the approval of the other people that are in the mix. Her people.

Don't bother. They will think what they want to think regardless of what you show them. You showed them the proof, now they're react accordingly to it. Or not react at all. It really has nothing to do with you anymore. You know who you are. Your friends and your family know who you are. For me, that's enough. (Most of the time. I do mentally backslide sometimes)

The intel you want to have is anything about W putting kids in situations that are inappropriate or unhealthy for them. ie: Sleeping with OM while kids are in the house. I would aim at behavior on W's part which would help with custody issues.

I'm not sure if you've consulted a lawyer, but if you haven't I would highly recommend it. Find out all you can about what does and does not affect physical custody decisions. With that in hand I would keep detailed notes, carry a tape recorder for a possible verbal slip on W's part - take detailed notes of things you observe about her, things you hear and from whom (dates and times) etc...

I would only do this on issues concerning custody - or any other issues that may be impacted by poor decisions by W. ie: finances, etc...

I took notes even on things that didn't seem to matter. Some of those things I used later on, so it was a good thing I had them. I'll give you an example. Back in March my W sent me an email inviting me to spend the night at the house with her and the kids so we could wake up and do Easter morning together. Of course, I declined.

When she tried to get a restraining order against me last month based on an incident where the police came to our house in January I was able to produce a copy of the overnight invite. The judge was very interested in it - and even admonished my W a bit. Said, "You're telling me about an incident that happened in January and here I have an email where you're inviting him to sleep over in March."

Like I said, take good notes.

I don't think you need intel on when the A unravels. That's only for your own gratification and has no bearing on any legal action or decisions. What does it matter if the A crumbles. At that point your W may or may not come around looking for you. You won't change your game-plan because you will be in full swing of creating an awesome life for yourself and your D.