Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

does your exH mother and my stbxh mother trade notes or something?

cut the apron strings already!

it doesn't matter whether they live several states away or across town.

i understand that a mother has a difficult time detaching from their son but the son has a responsibility as well, no?

Continue doing that for yourself!

I have one of those MILs as well.

Funny thing is that throughout our 11 year courtship, I always had problems with his mother. she was such a b!tch to me. he eventually saw it for myself and put his foot down. They have had their ups and downs.. to the point where he has gone for a few years without speaking to her and then they'd make up and then again for almost another 3 years and now they are speaking again. it's like they don't realize that their sons are now grown men with responsibilities. they expect to come first.

I remember on time that H told her that his first priority was HIS family, meaning me and the kids... that ruffled her feathers..

at least your h put his foot down.
mine has to grow a pair. and i don't mean feet!

to avoid diverting from the original subject .. i will try to keep the mil talk to a minimum.

thanks for the encouragement.

i hope that h going dark is really his way of utilizing the time and space he needs to sort things through.

i am using this time to do things for me.
honestly, i have been very patient, understanding, and generous throughout the process without being a doormat.
i think i have been fair.
i did not react to h throwing temper tantrums when he felt he wasn't getting his way.
i basically took a page out of Laura Munson's book and just let h deal with himself.
all i wanted for me, was that at the end of the process .. d or no d, i wanted to be true to myself.
i did not want to let the d process turn me into an ugly person.
i did not want to look back with regrets on things i did or said.
this was my core value. i think before i speak because once things have been said, you can't take it back.
my h has said many things.
and i had to do what Neo from the Matrix did .. move out of the way when the bullets came flying.
yes, the words hurt. but with a bit of compassion, i understand it's like a child telling his mother that he hates her. the child really doesn't hate his mother.

as long as there isn't someone else, there is always hope.

it's funny. everyone who knows us as a couple, didn't see it coming and thought we were made for each other.
when they hear that we're separated, the first question i get is .. can it be saved? it's like fairy tale that didn't end in happily ever after and everyone is saddened.
i have well meaning friends that tell me not to give up.
because far too many people rush into d, only to regret it later on.
they regret not fighting for their m and instead, ended up miserable afterwards.
i don't want to look back and regret not fighting for my m.

i shouldn't say that i'm fighting for my m.

the choice is his to make.
i am here if he wants to be with me.
but it's ultimately his choice.
i'm not walking away yet.
but when i do. i will be gone for good.

so make your choice.
needy parents who manipulate you with guilt?
or a partner in crime who's touch had a calming effect on you?

You know BobbiJo, I've been wondering more and more if my STBXW has that kind of relationship with her mom. She's the middle child and the older sister hates MIL and the younger sister takes advantage of her -- living at home for five years without a job, getting two DUIs, running up credit cards all bailed out by MIL.

So STBXW has always been the one for MIL to turn to. Now that I'm out STBXW has adopted more and more of MIL's personality -- romance novels, wine at night. They are pretty inseparable.

"recently we physically separated and neither of us have made any effort to contact the other."

This does not mean that "this" forum is the right place for you. You are a newcomer. You will find that that forum get the most "traffic". Some of us wander around some.. but mostly you will find that the "vets" tend to focus on a group where they can maximize their time. Don't take it as we don't care.

"is this normal?"

Yes.. and No.

"i've only recently made peace with myself that it's out of my control. the only thing i've done is be happy with what i have and control only the parts of my life i have control over."

This is good.

"i've started seeing IC again."

Make sure the IC is working with you.. basically following your ideals. I had a mentor.. not really a C. Just someone I could go yell at.. and he gave me his perspective.

"found a financial planner to help me make sure my finances are in order for me to live by myself for the rest of my life."

Good.

"i worry about H
we didn't part on hostile ground"

Any way you part.. places you on hostile ground. You worrying about him is very normal. And to a point healthy.

"i thought we parted cordially but there was one incident where he on purposely avoided me."

I would need to know more about the situation to really give you a solid take on it. For future reference these would be the times it becomes really important for you to "shine".

"i have made some 180s and i so wish he could see the changes in me.
i've never been more proud of the way i look."

At the end of the day.. it does not matter if he see's it. You keep doing it. One day.. he will run into someone and they will say.. "Have you seen "Good Girl".. Wow."

"he is also very bitter about the "small price" he is paying.
i fear that this is going to make him hate me and he will never get passed this."

He suggested it. Does that not make him just like you? You both had "no idea" what you were doing. Now you are both "screwed".

"i know she had a role in convincing h to d me."

Most likely because of the "info" he was feeding her.

"it could be too early to tell?"

Yes.

"i found it a bit discouraging that on other threads, there were posters who seemed like they were picking fights with the veterans and yet, the veterans continued to respond."

This is normal. We all have our nit picky issues!

"whereas, i'm here taking your advice and needing support but nobody is giving me a chance."

It is not that "we" are not giving you a chance. In posting to someone.. you have to find a common bond.. or something that peaks your interest. Sometimes this takes a while. Sometimes you just have to journal it out and then.. bam.. someone shows up. Or you can wave your "hands" around.. scream and holla. And bam.. I show up.


So... off we go.

"sometimes i wish there was an OW."

Are you sure about that? Cause it may come up later. Is this a deal breaker for you?


"my biggest hurdle is the co-dependency between h's mom and h."

Why? Why does this matter? Did it effect you while you were "happily married"? If so.. how?

"i saw my h's priority change throughout our m. i went from 1st to 8th on his priority list."

Expanding on this.. I was told "You become what you Judge". If you saw it happening what did you do to "stop" it? Flip in your mind a second and from "his" perspective explain to me why you moved down the list.

"leave me with nothing and i would be fine."

This is important.. hold onto that thought!

"but because i lost the most valuable thing to me - my best friend."

How well did you and this BFF communicate?

"i have no received a penny in support payments yet and i manage to do it on my own."

This concerns me some.

Do you have D papers signed and ready to go? Do you live in a state that has a "forced separation" time?

"soon to be "the good girl"

Good.. cause your name is kinda weird. It has some weird sexual overtones in it. For me at least. But.. then again.. I am weird.

Answer the question's..

And..

Hi Dumped, sorry you are here--a few things peaked my interest as I read through your thread.

I was here 6 years ago after getting the ILYNILY speach. I had a really hard time at first, as my personality is very laid back and easy going--I never cried, begged, pleaded--I was very "cool" from the beginning and patted myself on the back about that--DBing seemed "easy". I'm not by nature a "pursuer-type" and detaching isn't hard either.

Through really persisting I found out what was wrong--and it was because I was too much on the other side of the spectrum--I needed to be more interested in my H. (a 180 FOR ME) He thinks he is the cat's meow, don't ya know.lol. But I actually had to sit with him more in the evenings, call him more at work, get him to talk more--it was a 180 for me and it worked. Well, I'm back but it's almost because I became too much of a doormat. That's not the point though.

I read through your sitch looking for what your H says is wrong--and have you ever really pursued him and gotten him to tell you? It seems like you didn't really have "problems". But there has to be something--even if you don't cook or clean like dear old mom--what do you think he would say if you asked him why he did this?

Not that you can trust 100% all that they say--I did have to filter through a lot of weird stuff to get to the truth of his unhappiness. I thought I did it all right--we are financially responsible, I like sex, I like to cook, etc. I thought I was doing a really good job.

But I wasn't available to him--I didn't call him much at work (didn't want to bother him) But he LIKES to hear from me at work. He actually likes to be pursued I think--but it took a while to figure that out.

So what do you think he would say?

i am separated and i have been in the newcomer section but not a lot of answers for me. my sitch isn't very 'catchy' so i figure i'll try another forum.



why yes and why no? can you expand? i'm new at this.



ic is helping me manage my anger.
for the first 3-4 sessions, i just vented and yelled.
in the end, the ic could only calm me down by telling me that it wasn't my fault.

i couldn't understand why i hadn't shed a tear.
probably because i knew it wasn't me. what kind of h sides with his mother and not his w?



ran into him at the grocery store.
i had a pair of cute shorts on (h hadn't seen these ones before). i looked up from my cart and saw him make a 180 degree turn and went the other way. i know it was him.



i am. somehow i doubt he will ever notice me. he's got a narcisstic personality so he's likely feeling sorry for himself or blaming me for his loneliness because i gave him no choice but to d.



how does that make him just like me?
i had a vague idea but i admit, i didn't study up on the d-laws.
how are we both screwed?
he's the one who asked for the d and didn't read the rules.
i tried to warn him about the emotional, mental, and financial toll it would take on him.
now that he realizes the rules are not in his favour, he's now blaming me.



this is the ultimate betrayal to me.
if his manhood ever went into another woman, it will never come back into. ever.

the reason why i said that an OW would be so much easier is because i wouldn't bother db-ing. i'd just go for the jugular. i cannot stress how PO-ed i'd be. there would be no limbo. it would be over. period.



i don't think you want me to get into this.
he calls his parents every day.
his mother is constantly telling him how she cannot lose him and that he's all they have.
every small problem, we get a phone call asking for help.
they cannot make a decision without consulting each other.
they keep guilting him to spend time with them because this may be their last week alive.
he chooses them over me because on the age scale, who's dying first? he'll have more time for me after they die. so he tends to their needs first.
did it affect us? big YES.



his perspective is that he is all his parents have. me? i have my family so it's not like i need him.
he thinks the bond he has with his parents is more special than the bond i have with my parents or his bond with me.

he tried to stand up to his parents once, and his mother cried and cried and cried. she said she wasn't welcomed in our home so she was never going to come visit.

he resented me for making him stand up to his parents. i wanted him to break away and be independent. but yet, time and time again, he would call them to consult with them on our issues.



we weren't the best communicators. but every birthday card or anniversary card, we'd write out our feelings. every card, we'd acknowledge that we had our faults but we never stopped loving each other. despite our issues, i never stopped loving him. our deal breakers were infidelity and physical abuse. when his parents weren't around, he was the sweetest thing on earth.



i think h figures that i couldn't live without them.
that i would curl up in a ball and cry.
that i would run home to my parents.
but i didn't.
i found my own place. i packed and moved on my own (his mom came and helped him pack - she was also here to make sure that h and i don't reconcile. cuz she has her baby boy back and she's #1 in his life again).

yes, 1-yr separation is mandatory before d-filing.


well, i'm sure if he wantd his sexual needs satisfied, she's be more than happy to take care of them too.

soon to be "the Good Girl"

hi laura,



it's funny. i think i'm pretty easy going and i guess you could say that sometimes i forget about h's needs.
but when h dropped the d-bomb, he said i was needy and clingy. but at the same time, i wasn't paying attention to his needs.



i get mixed messages. he'll tell me to not be so clingy but yet, i don't pursue him. i don't call him everyday (like how he calls his parents).

maybe it's just me but we didn't fight all the time leading up to the d-bomb.

i cook, i clean, i did everything. and it wasn't enough.
was it because i spent all that time keeping the house in tip top shape that i didn't have time for him? why didn't he say this?

he said that i made his parents feel unwelcomed and that i ruined christmas for them. coupled with the fact that there was lack of action in the bedroom during december. and there was a whole bunch of other excuses like how we can't live together, how we are too different, and that he didnt think marriage should be this hard. he felt that i wasn't the same person he fell in love with.

i'm like why did this all come out now?
we never argued about our differences, which parts of us were too different? i don't know. and has he ever thought that maybe his parents were exaggerating their feelings?
marriage is hard work.

ok. maybe i let myself go a bit but ever since the d-bomb was dropped. i went back to my 'single girl' habits and started dressing a lot better.



i still can't filter through what he has to say.
the thing is, i think the sex part is really what bothers him.
we are like you - financially responsible, i liked sex, i liked to cook, i did laundry, i did a lot of housework. i took the load off of h because his job was very stressful.



i'm not sure what he'd say.
he might say i'm being needy or clingy.
it's funny how he said i was too needy and clingy.
yet, his mother is the queen of neediness!
what's up with that??

Hi D$ML, Just a couple more things--can you tell me about the neediness? I never heard that one myself--what "is it" to a guy? If you don't call on him (check up on him) all the time?

Oh, I just thoguht of something--is your LL quality time? and his is something else? Maybe physical? Because I can see if you like to be "with him" a lot and it's not his love language he may be thinking that you are "needy" or "clingy".

Just musing aloud here....

I WILL say that in my sitch I am dressing more "sexy" and am starting to flirt more--something all men love and something I have not ever really done.

Another thing that I just started doing is thanking my husband for working so hard. He complains a lot about work and has many other options, so I would tell him to pursue other things in hopes he would complain less. But thanking him is hopefully going to result in less complaining--I just started that one so I'm not sure yet.

My H also spends TONS of time with his parents and they can do no wrong. I get a lot of criticism when they leave from their visits--H usually has a bit of a meltdown when they leave. He is an absolute ANGEL in front of them, and cannot keep up the pretense forever.

I won't go to their house any longer--I was never allowed to do anything but sit around. His mother is a nice person, but has nothing in the way of interests other than her husband and cooking/cleaning. She is one of the most boring people I know. Oh, she loves to knit. Ugh.

I think sometime my H wants a woman like that and is turning (or trying to) me into her. I would rather die than be that woman!lol.

Anyway, I think maybe 1/3 of that stuff is "legit". I heard a lot of similar stuff and you know, the minute I changed about 1/3 of the major things, the rest went majically away.

laura,
are we married to the same man?



i think neediness is if you call him all the time for nothing. it will appear as if you don't trust him and you need to know where he is at all times. Or, you call him for silly things like "why does the coffee grinder make this weird noise when i turn it on?". neediness makes you appear 'weak' and that's unattractive to men.

my mil is needy with a capital 'n' but because she's old and helpless, h doesn't bat an eye.



my LL is physical touch. i love it when my h touches me. and i think h likes it when i touch him. he always says that when i stroke his forearm, it calms him. and he has said on a few occasions that he likes it when i touch him lovingly.



ditto on the dressing.
flirting .. well. my h and i are physically separated now and for some reason, i get the feeling he despises me right now. he wouldn't respond to any touch or flirting. i feel like he's pushing me away emotionally.

but when we were still living under the same roof, i did notice that he was checking me out (ie. looking for VPL but didn't find any. :o)



my h complains about work too. i try to encourage him and surprise him with small things like a special dessert or something. but i sympathesize and listen to his work woes. it's the best i can do for him.



like i said, we married to the same man?
my h has a meltdown but it's the kind where he cries because his parents are getting old and they keep guilting him with phrases like "we don't want to leave you .. you're all we have. we can't live without you. we don't know how much longer we will be alive. we could die tomorrow."
oh pleez, if they want to die so much .. here's a gun. why delay the inevitable? spare me the "poor me" speech. i see through it.



ok, serious laura .. are we married to the same man?
his mom loves to knit as well and is the most boring person on earth.
she has no opinion, she has mental issues but the family is afraid to confront her on it so they just let it ruin everyone else's lives.
and i don't have a choice anymore .. i won't be going there any more because their son is d-ing me.
and for some reason, they are very disappointed in me and have developed some kind of hatred for me.
what i'd like to know is .. what the heck did i do that was so wrong?
it's not like i cheated on my h. i didn't steal, i didn't hit anybody, i didn't even yell at anybody.

everybody who knows me, knows that i am the good girl that every mom wants their son to marry. i'm as clean cut, smart, comes from a good family, good girl as you can get. i take off that 'good girl' outfit when in the bedroom though.



my h said he didn't want to marry someone like his mother. but i think he's constantly comparing me to her.
i could never be like her. i don't like to wear my underwear that tight. lol.



what is your sitch like? are you back together? did you ever separate physically?

i'm having trouble filtering the problems and figuring out what the real issues were. i've heard a lot of excuses. all of which i have stopped. but he's still pushing the d through.

i feel very pessimistic. he's got this me-me-me mentality that he feels more sorry for himself than he does for hurting me with the d-bomb.
friend of mine told me that guys like him will never notice the change in me. he's too self absorbed to see beyond himself.