Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still trying to find my way

Somebody loving you doesn't make you happy. It's just the icing on the cake if you are already happy. The cake is about you (or them in this case). Happiness is a do-it-yourself job.

A new relationship may be exiciting with all of those happy-happy love chemicals flowing strong, but that wears down and off, and then it ebs and flows if you both work on the M.

When the romatic love stage wears off, it takes commitment to keep things going (among other things).

Mystic,

How's the GAL stuff going? Got an excercise, rest, and nutrition program yet?

GAL stuff is going. Got a rest program in place, still tweaking that a bit. Nothing in the exercise or nutrition front. Tomorrow I'm taking DS to the amusement park with a friend and her son who is a year younger than DS. I might take him back in August, too, if he has a lot of fun tomorrow. My therapist wants me to get back going out with my friends on the weekends H has DS, might see if they want to come over for a movie night next weekend.

Not much else as far as GAL stuff.

I RELATE 100%! HAVE BEEN THERE! I bet most of us have! Just wanted to validate.



Wow, you are very clear headed if you ask me! And again, I have been there! In March of 2010 (a year after the separation) I started thinking that if I let go, it will only be "letting go of the current stbxh...I don't want him back. I want the old stbxh." It took me several months to get that. And I tried to think of us each being on separate journeys...a fork in the road...but that if God willed it, we would be together in the end OR I would be happy in the end (with or without stbxh). Just sharing.


This is what SUCKS, Mystik...we can't WIN them back once they have left for OW. Nope. We can give them "pause" and kind of show what they are missing out on. BUt there is a law that the more we pursue, the less they will want us. (and I get it...but it is hard to fake detaching.) And so, the answer is to let them have their journey, take this time to work on ourselves and become stronger and happier, and then live our own journey without a deadline for when we think our H will be back. You see? I still have a teeny bit of hope and we are in the midst of a divorce!



See what I said above.

LETTING GO OF THE CURRENT H. You DO NOT WANT THIS VERSION OF YOUR H- one that will go back and forth between you and OW??? You want him to come to you after he fully sees for himself that OW is not what he wants in life.

MOVING ON from the CURRENT state of things, divorcing the current H, and giving it all to God. Divorce takes awhile to complete. People remarry after divorce.

So faking "moving on" will help YOU get confident and detach (it is what I did, so am passing along the advice in case others want to try it).

I started GAL while wanting my H back, and kept it to myself except here on DB forum. I swear that joining the single parents group really helped me see that life after H was possible and happy. Then I felt so guilty and sad when I had fun without H and when I pictured a life without him. (like moving on meant I didn't really love him enough or something). BUt, like I said, I realized that I didn't want the current H or the mentally ill H. It would make reconciliation less successful by far!

And your C doesn't know the future! She just wants you to stop "waiting" for H and start living your life!

You have some very good poitns, NewMama.



This. It feels like if I move on and let go I'll be saying I didn't love him as much as I said I did. So tie that in with my interpetations of moving on and letting go, makes it easier for me to understand why I'm having so much trouble with it.

While my C may not know the future, I feel that I do. And I don't see myself ever dating or anything. Honestly, I have never dated, I don't know how to. I take rejection very personally, and I tend to latch onto people and want more from them than I should. So I'm just not dating material. Let me explain.

H was my first and only boyfriend. Keep in mind, we met when I was a few months shy of age 21. He was my first kiss, first date, first lover, first everything. I pursued him, looking back I can see how that didn't work out so well for me at the time but in the end he still chose me so I don't regret everything that happened from the time we met until the time we got serious. Yes, there are some things I wish I'd done differently and things that I wish had never happened. But hindsight is always 20/20 and sadly I am not one who seems to learn from the past.

The point is once, I met H and got to know him, that was it. I decided he was who I wanted so I latched onto him and hung on until I got what I wanted: him. The times he rejected me I felt pain similar to what I'm feeling now, but he always came back to me and I would forgive him for hurting me because my heart had decided he was the one for me. And I can very easily see myself doing that to any other man I meet.

So that is how I know already that I won't meet guys or date or get married again. I am too intense, too insecure and too co-dependent to have a relationship.

(((Mystik)))

What are your short term goals that have to do with you and your S? Live in the present. NO pressure. You don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to, other than, IMO, be the best mom you can be.

Take it easy and I really recommend looking into learning how to heal from being abandoned (by your H) and checking out books or online info.

"Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliott is something that Donna...found recommended to me on my thread and I wish I read it months and months ago. I found an ebook version on ebooks.com.

I valued the section on grieving which made way more sense than the typical info on grieving that I have found. BUT we can't make people want to grow and get better. YOU have to want it. So when you are ready, check it out!

You can date w/o getting so serious. Have coffee, go to a bookstore, take a walk, etc. Date. Not be in a dating 'relationship' w/just one man.

The thing that *will* make you dating material is some practice. You can carry on conversation w/others, I presume? Then you can do the exact same thing w/a man.



This is something you should work on then. Your personality isn't fixed. Up until I reached my late 20's, I was incredibly shy. Worked on it, now I'm shy, but 80% less.



Again, something to work on. Maybe interacting w/many different men will help you to not attach to just one. Maybe the experience of meeting and interacting w/men, and having them vie for your time and attention would be helpful to you.




Then again, this is something that you need to work on. Dismissing these things as "that's just the way I am" is shirking responsibility. I understand that you are what you are, and there are things about your nature that you can't transcend, but there are plenty of things that you can change.

I have a streak of codependency as well, but you can change. Believe me. People who have known me for years are amazed at the changes in me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in some ways, but in others (weight loss) the easiest. I've just decided that being passive and taking things as they come is no way to live your life. I hate this phrase, but Carpe Diem!

I've been this way my whole life, even when I was a kid. I don't know how to be anything else. And as you all know, I am scared of what I don't know. I guess I'm just not ready yet to let go and move on, I'm not ready to give up hope for H's return.