Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Hello hello - is there anybody out there?

Two steps forward, one step back.

DH and I were doing it about once a week during Feb. and March - then in April got derailed by health issues (mine were minor, his were more problematic.) It's been downhill ever since.

He just got through having a prostate scare. Thank FSM it's not cancer! We've both been through some emotional stuff lately - his cancer scare, and family stuff for both of us. The fact that we're back to no sex is very hurtful (to me, at least.)

I don't know how much any of you could tell me that I haven't already heard. I just posted a long remark in "Stalled at Stage 3" in answer to Beyondtired.

I love DH with all my heart, and don't want anybody else. But I'm not ready to start living like I'm 75 y.o. when I'm only 46.

Thanks for listening.

Not hurtful to him? Did he say so?

Nice to see you again, by the way.

Margali, you say you would like sex about once a week. Nothing wrong with that. I find it encouraging to read stories from women who like sex -- it's a reassuring contrast to my own situation.

But I still feel somewhat alone, even in forums like this one, because I see very few, if any, women who want sex every day. Or maybe I've missed the thread.

Is there any hope that a guy like me, in my late fifties, if I were to look for another wife, is there even any hope of finding a woman who would like sex about once a day on average (skip a few days here and there, but double up on weekends is fine)? And I'm not just talking about a flash-in-the-pan heat of romance and honeymoon, but sustained wanting sex every day for years? This is the way I've been for 45 years since my early teens. I've met a few women who tell me that this is the way they are too, but I haven't had the pleasure of sharing that experience with them. The woman I chose to marry certainly didn't have that sustained high level of sex drive, which has been one of the most enduring disappointments in my life in an otherwise quite wonderful marriage. If only it hadn't been marred with this one rather major problem.

Margali, if helps you feel any better, if you're asking for just once a week, you're not asking for much, and your husband shouldn't have any excuses for pleasing you once a week, one way or the other, AS LONG AS HE HAS A PULSE. As one man to another, I would tell him that anyhing else is just lame. My god, I can't believe some of the excuses men come up with. I wouldn't have known without reading forums like this. What an eye-opener.

SillyOld, he hasn't described the lack of sex as "hurtful". He says he doesn't like it. I'm just not 100% sure I believe him. I can't help thinking, if he *really* wanted it, and if it *really* mattered to him, he would go for it!

I think he does love me, in that weird way that LD people can love. I'm beginning to suspect I really should pick up that book about the five love languages - I suspect he and I have a serious disconnect in that area.

SSMguy, thanks for the remarks. It DOES make me feel better.

There are other things about DH that I'm not thrilled about, but the lack of sex is the worst. I could live with his not liking to travel or go out. If he would open up and talk honestly about money, I think we could work that out to both our satisfaction. But feeling like he just doesn't care whether we have sex or not...that really hurts.

One of the things that really surprised me was how much both my LD wife and I were hurt by our lack of sex together and how happier we both are now that we are having sex two to three times a week. We are both happier, which has stunned my LD wife, beyond words.

Even though I am the HD person in our marriage, there was a point where I totally gave up on having sex with my wife because I could no longer stand the emotional pain that always accompanied sex with her. It just wasn't worth the pain no matter how much I wanted to have sex. You might want to do some introspection on who is suffering from your lack of sex and imagine that it might be both you and your husband (but for significantly different reasons).

According to your post he says he doesn't like the lack of sex. You might want to find out what it is that he doesn't like or how it makes him feel. Ego's are pretty complex things that can be easily damaged.

Yes to the 5 Languages of Love and making your partner feel loved in their primary and secondary language of love! After they feel loved, if you are lucky, they might just figure out that you to need to be loved in your (not their) languages of love. If that happens you will likely become one happy person.

good luck to you.

I asked that question both of my wife and here many times. The longest we went was literally a couple of years with no sex. She would talk to me about it--sort of--crying and telling me she didn't know what it was, but it wasn't me, she WAS attracted to me, she WAS, but . . . .

My question was the same as yours. "I KNOW I desire you. You CLAIM you desire me. We're consenting adults married to each other and we're in bed together right now. What's stopping us? If you find me so attractive, why do you keep rejecting me?"

She wasn't rejecting me. She was rejecting sex. But that was hard to see when she would laugh at me (and I don't mean a kind-hearted chuckle, I mean literally laughing out loud at my audacity in thinking she would have sex) or call me a pervert (again, not as a joke, though she may have intended it that way--by the time the word passed her lips, it was dead serious.)

But those things were her way of making excuses and placing blame. As Young at Heart says, it hurt her too. Honestly, we both blamed her and thought there was something wrong with her, that she was failing to live up to her obligation as a wife. She was miserable. She thought she was a horrible person and a horrible wife (and I did not disagree, though it took me a long time to admit it.) Don't be too sure your husband doesn't feel the hurt.

Wow! Not rejecting you but rejecting sex is a great insight.

My wife's individual sex therapist/doctor told her that the principal reason that older women (who have no medical problems) don't have sex with their husbands is because they are deeply angry at their husbands about something that happened long ago. She then said that if you are really angry with someone and don't want to forgive them, the last thing you want to do is have sex with them, even if you love them.

I remember many times my very successful wife crying and saying that sex and being a good wife were the only areas in her life where she was a failure. I tried to remind her of some of my most erotic experiences that she caused and that I will probably bring a smile to my face for as long as I live. I told her that a woman who can do those kinds of things is not a failure at sex or being a wife.

One of the things discussed in MWD's SSM is that it really takes two to fix a SSM and that ultimately both share in the responsibility for a marriage problems. While MWD makes a good point that it only takes one party to start the healing process, both parties need to take some responsibility for the problems. I was lucky and admitted that to my wife early. Ultimately she had help in recognizing her contributions to the problem.

Margali? You out there? I guess I figure maybe you'll get an email if someone posts here. Just wondering how you're doing.

Thanks for asking. DH and I did do it a couple of weeks ago. This was almost 2 mos. after the last time - if you remember, he had a prostate scare in June, and we were both pretty emotionally wrecked. I decided to just give him some time. My patience was rewarded.

However, that was a couple of weeks ago, and now I'm feeling insecure and unloved again. WHY does sex have to be so important to me?! It just sucks that I feel unloved or threatened when it's been more than about two weeks. Why can't I measure love in other ways?

Just lately, I've been really depressed about my job. We're still understaffed and underpaid, and I think I'm finally reaching a point where I'm starting to feel resentful and have trouble caring as much. I used to be such a fiend for getting a lot of work done. But our workloads are so high, and there's no end in sight. I can work myself to death or I can be the biggest slacker in the universe - and it really doesn't matter, bcs either way, I won't finish everything. This evening DH saw me sitting w/ my head in my hands and after asking what was wrong and I said I was just tired, he said it looked really pathetic. Nice empathy, DH.

In good news though: I read the 5 Love Languages book! I thought I wouldn't like it, but I really did. I finished the whole book w/in 24 hours. In better news: DH and I both scored highest in the "Physical Touch" love language! (Yes, I got him to take the quiz.)

Although actually it's rather puzzling: since this is the case, and he answered questions like "I love having sex with my wife" with the "right" answer [g] - why do we STILL not have much sex?

Well....in the best news of all....he didn't score very high in the "Acts of Service" category. I was worried that if that's what he wants from me, I'm doomed. I loathe, despise, and hate housework. Some of the guys in the book whose favorite love language is "Acts of Service" sound like real asses. They don't need a wife; they need to hire a f*cking maid!

But back to me and DH. Just a few days ago was his mother's birthday (she died almost 7 years ago.) So that could be part of why he's been sort of "blah" on me, not really with me, for the past day or so.

Sometimes I wish both of us could just stop being depressed, unhappy or stressed out...if only we could both feel active and joyful at the same times and really enjoy life together. I love him and I don't think anyone else would suit me nearly as well, but I worry that we're losing each other.

More thoughts, relating to the last two posts before mine: (SillyOld and Young):

So maybe the LD partner feels bad, feels like a failure as a spouse or that they're a failure in the bedroom. How do I find out if this is the case with my DH?

And if it is, what can I do about it?